From the iNews9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Girl’s strip search ruled unconstitutional
Translation: Thomas was dissenting vote – I can’t make this stuff up

Headline: Apple Bans ‘Hottest Girls’ iPhone App
Translation: Apple working on something ‘even hotter than girls’, sources say

Headline: God, Firearms and America Come Together at a Church in Kentucky
Translation: God calls in airstrike on 4998 Valley Station Rd, Louisville

Headline: House Approves Climate Change Bill
Translation: GOP amendment bans warm climate on House floor

Headline: Madoff sentenced to 150 years
Translation: Madoff loses 149 years in massive Ponzi scheme

Headline: Interior Sec. Proposes Solar Energy Zones
Translation: Seattle site is next to shirtless men on first sunny spring day

Headline: Seattle parade marries pride and politics
Translation: Fundamentalist ministers file initiative to outlaw it
Translation (Turbo mode): “Threat to traditional embarrassing politics,” says James Dobson

Headline: White firefighters were victims of discrimination, Supreme Court rules
Translation: Justice Thomas supports preferences – “Brothers all know whites have trouble passing tests”

Headline: Climate bill goes to Senate
Translation: Inhofe offers alternate bill – Would tap Canada as national US air conditioner

Headline: Franken declared winner, giving Democrats 60 Senate seats
Translation: “But we need at least 61 for bi-partisanship,” Reid says

Headline: Pawlenty Signs Election Certificate
Translation: Mrs. Sanford cancels erection certificate

Headline: Palin – I’d come out ahead in run against Obama
Translation: Perez Hilton – Swimsuit competition would be a draw

Headline: …Sanford Admits He “Crossed Line” with Other Women
Translation: North Korea warns US not to cross outer labia

Headline: Call for Sanford resignation grows louder in South Carolina
Translation: Mrs. Sanford purchases bullhorn

I’m fascinated that America still gets excited by political moral outrage, but of course I reside in a land virtually devoid of religious right influences. In fact John Howard might still be our Prime Minister if had of shown an ounce of sexuality, of any style.

Even the current PM Rudd was applauded after being caught out in a New York stripper bar. His comment – “it wasn’t a good look…’ was enough for total forgiveness. The last politician here to go the moral outrage route managed to get himself caught up and still missed his target.

But political attack is not the mood of the moment, less politics and more entertainment is what the masses clamour for. The leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition when into attack mode here last week. In the event his attack lacked substance and he lost badly – maybe.

Given first prize is a trip to No-News Nirvana and second prize was a government sponsored trip to Kabul perhaps everyone was overjoyed with the result. At least the opposition leader found his conflict without bothering the rest of us with his feisty urges.

It’s only the political junkies among us who regret our respective (US and Aust) nice leaders. This pair know the masses don’t want hard news, and they work hard to avoid it; preferring something far closer to entertainment. Sadly it doesn’t leave much room for those of us who prefer some hard analysis.

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 15o years in prison yesterday for financial malfeasance.  Yes, in the good old U.S. of A. you get a life sentence for taking people’s money, but only 10 years for taking their lives.  Seem a bit messed up?  I think so. Here’s my take on scandal American-style.

The government who, in their oversight capacity has been asleep at the wheel for years, suddenly wakes up in the midst of a media storm, they charge in like Rambo without a jockstrap and pick one person (a scapegoat), to take the fall.  There is a trial, a lot of pontificating, then that one guy goes down and voila!  Scandal is over.

I’ve seen it happen time and again.  All I can say is Hollywood we need a new screenplay for this.  Wouldn’t it be nice if just once we actually stood up and did something about the graft?  It’s time America, who’s with me?!

Pleading with reporters to “keep an eye me,” Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina today announced that he is ready to take responsibility for having an extra-marital affair by running for the 2012 Republican nomination for president.

Sanford follows in a tradition of Republicans who atone for personal or professional wrongdoing by not stepping down.

Reiterating his remorse at carrying on an affair with penpal Maria Belen Chapur, an Argentine divorcee, Sanford said he is apologizing to his wife, his children, the people of South Carolina, and the Republican Party by seeking the GOP nomination, and being elected leader of the free world.

“I have very little left to hide,” said Sanford, after striding on stage to strains of Connie Francis’ “I’m Sorry” played over a sound system.

“Seeking my party’s nomination for president means I won’t have time to fool around on my wife Jenny. And when my children want to know where daddy is on Father’s Day, for the next three years the answer will be Iowa. Or New Hampshire,” Sanford said.

Sanford went on to add that “quitting is for members of the Democrat Party,” and cited Gary Hart and John Edwards as examples of politicians who voluntarily stepped away from public life after revelations of marital infidelity.

Sanford said he is running under the slogan “Mark Sanford: Keeping It In His Pants for America.” He asked journalists to keep him on the straight and narrow, declaring, “I call on reporters to turn the bright klieg lights of scrutiny on me follow me day and night.”

“Bug my phone? Yes, please. Telephoto lenses? Tell me which way to face. Round the clock surveillance? Just honk and I’ll have my motorcade slow down so you can keep up,” Sanford promised.

Sanford departed the press conference in “Palmetto State One,” a flatbed truck carrying a diorama of a Motel 6 room, with one wall made of clear Lexan, in which Sanford will sleep while on the campaign trail. There will always be at least one light on in the room.

In related news, South Carolina First Lady Jenny Sanford has signed an endorsement deal to become national spokesperson for Dog-o-Watt Inc., manufacturers of low-voltage training collars for dogs.

I’m certain Frogette has warned Kvatch about what happens when you don’t clean up that mess in the corner: One day something will crawl out of it – and here I am!

Here I am house sitting, with access to subversive web sites and wondering if I should not be informing on my host for the choice of server. I swore and vowed never to use Telstra, the only ISP allowing access to Ragebot (for reasons other than access); but hey! I’m just a visitor and have no choice.

Against all odds; a national government which takes exception to Ragebot and a range of other web publishers, and on an old laptop which boasts 64 mg of ram and bugger all other resources, even ODing on Open Office – but here I am boys and girls from the dark side of politics.

Given that the Aussie Government have pretty much blocked access to the site I guess I could have a field day calling them a bunch of technologically illiterate morons. At least they aren’t subjected to all you American political subversives, even if kiddie protection is the stated aim.

I have, by the way, been quite vocal on the issue of web censorship downunder, though I suspect my mail server has a block on it as well as I have had not one response. Where is Orwell when you need him?

Indian security forces have revealed this week the “secret ingredient” of their grenades.  It’s chillies! Not just any chillies either.  They use the Guiness Book of World record holder bhut jolokia chilli.  Considered one of the hottest in the world, it’s fierce enough to stop a terrorist or put down a riot.  Indian security forces hope to use this new weapon to stun people into submission.  In response Pakistani separatist groups were seen at the border assembling cooking implements and ingredients and shouting, “Bring it on!”

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator&#!51;

Headline: Sotomayor quits women’s club after GOP criticism
Translation: Michael Steele refuses to quit all-white organization

Headline: Republican – Will Sotomayor represent ‘all of us’?
Translation: Cornyn wants separate but equal Supreme Courts for each ethnic group

Headline: Apple Should Disclose Liver Transplant, Experts Say.
Translation: New automatic liver update feature announced for Apple staff.

Headline: Sarkozy says burqas are ‘not welcome’ in France
Translation: Tehran – Burqas excellent protection against tear gas

Headline: Villaraigosa bows out of California governor’s race.
Translation: TV anchors saved from “Schwarzenegger vs. Villaraigosa” tongue-twister

Headline: New Nixon Tapes and Files Released
Translation: “Cheney, I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true”

Headline: Former Vice President Cheney to publish memoir
Translation: Publishing history – book of black ink printed on black paper

Headline: S.C. Gov. Sanford Admits Extramarital Affair.
Translation: Sanford & Ensign caught in Argentina Love nest

Headline: Federal college aid form to be streamlined
Translation: Signing away your life now takes only one signature

Headline: Wolverine photographed in Mount Adams area
Translation: Wildlife biologists catch, radio-tag and release Hugh Jackman – “Good chance at perpetuating species”

Headline: World mourns pop legend Jackson
Translation: Tabloids, paparazzi mourn meal ticket

Los Angeles (f-A-ke. P.) —

The mystery surrounding the death of the so-called ‘King of Pop’ was solved today when Madame Anastasia, a medium working out of a second story walk-up in Tarzana, announced that she had been contacted by the former star.

Speaking from the great beyond, Jackson supposedly said, “Nobody upstages me! Especially not a B-list tart like Farrah Fawcett.”

2009/06/26, 10:30a PDT —

If I hear one more car blasting out Bad, or Billy Jean, or Thriller—one more talking head say, “…he defined the music of our generation”—I swear I’m going to puke!

The streets of Tehran are clear of demonstrators this morning, as opponents of president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad absorb Wednesday’s shocking news: opposition presidential candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi has been disqualified after publication of semi-nude photos.

Iran’s ruling Guardian Council announced Mousavi’s disqualification mere hours after the photographs were published in the hard-line newspaper Iran. “Due to this troubling moral lapse, the Guardian Council has no choice but to rule Mir Hossein Mousavi ineligible and issues surrounding the legitimacy of last week’s election are moot,” read a statement issued by the office of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.

A source in the Guardian Council said the provocative photographs were taken in the 1980s when Mousavi was prime minister, and modeled for a series of posters promoting import sales of TOW missiles. “The shirt was undone at the collar a morally borderline two buttons. In the offending series of photos, a third unfastened button can be seen clearly, revealing skin that is an abomination before God,” the source said.

Mousavi continues to be in seclusion and was unavailable for comment. However, Prof. Reza Frandle, a George Washington University historian familiar with Mousavi’s 1981-89 term as prime minister, speculated that Mousavi’s shirt may have been blown open by a breeze.

President Ahmadinejad took a break from measuring his office for new drapes to assure his country that the electoral crisis has passed.

“The people of Iran can put the election and its aftermath behind them and move forward. Move forward, now. Moving forward, confident that their president’s collar is fastened around his neck as tightly as a tourniqet,” Ahmadinejad said.

God willing, the nuclear weapons will not fall into the hands of the Americans and the mujahideen would take them and use them against the Americans.

Mustafa Abu al-Yazid — Leader of al Qaeda in Afghanistan

Doesn’t matter whether or not he means it; doesn’t matter whether or not al Qaeda’s Taliban allies are actually able to destabilize Pakistan to the point where the government falls; arguments about spending non-existent dollars at home or abroad are irrelevant. This is the kind of nonsense that will keep US troops in Afghanistan for the next 50 years, and so far the ‘President of Change’ hasn’t shown an ounce of backbone with respect to ending the crippling wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.