A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline:: California State Senator Announces He’s Gay After DUI Arrest
Translation: Fox & Friends- “DUI makes you gay!”

Headline: Massa says he was forced out so that Democrats can pass health care
Translation: And?

Headline: Former congressman Massa says Democrats set him up over health care
Translation: “Baltar set me up! It was Baltar!”

Headline: Massa exits in a blaze of verbiage
Translation: Much of it Caprican
Translation (Turbo mode): “Terminally ill naked drunk insurance lobbyist set me up, the frakker.”

Headline: Massa was investigated for allegedly groping male staffers
Translation: “Thought I was holding Viper control stick”

Headline: Moderate Drinking Linked to Weight Control
Translation: Conservative drinking leads to outing oneself after DUI stop

Headline: Massa- ‘I Forced Myself Out’ of Congress
Translation: Massa- ‘I outed myself’

Headline: Brown lands HarperCollins for memoir
Translation: To be titled “Going Roguer: Electric Boogaloo”
Translation (Turbo mode): Will be a ‘pictorial’, nudge-nudge

Headline: Have GOP, Democrats finally hit bottom?
Translation: Massa admits groping bottom

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This week: #sponsoredbeatles

With fighting approaching its ninth year and operations against insurgents entering a new phase, Republicans in Congress today launched a new effort to reform U.S. policy on Afghanistan.

“It’s time to start over with a clean occupation plan,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, the minority leader.

“The American people don’t want the president’s costly, complicated plan. What we need is to find what Republicans and defense contractors agree on and proceed step by step, in a bipartisan fashion,” McConnell said.

Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee also stated the need for cooperation. “Now see here, I, I say, instead of trying to strike di-rectly at Taliban insurgents, we should go step by step, boy, stopping to re-view each move in a series of committee hearings. It’s time to reset the number of tours our troops have served in Afghanistan to ze-ro, and start over with a clean occupation plan, I do de-clare.”

In the House, GOP whip Eric Cantor likened President Obama’s Afghanistan policy to a strategy game he tried to learn when he was a quiet, science-fiction loving teenager in Richmond, Virginia. “What we have now is like that game Risk. Infantry, cavalry and artillery, routes and territories — it’s way too complicated.”

“It’s time to clear the board and throw all the cards and gamepieces on the floor — start over by rolling the dice and going step by step with a clean occupation plan,” Cantor said.

In a related story, House minority leader John Boehner attacked the White House’s proposal to seek out defense waste and fraud using a network of undercover citizen investigators, posing as arms buyers. Boehner called the idea “a government takeover of the military.”

“The American people like the Blackwater they have and want to keep it. What the people want is to control costs, and to do that we need more private, market-based solutions for defense,” said the Ohio lawmaker. Citing tort reform as an example of a way to lower the cost of frivolous lawsuits against firms whose employees rape fellow employees, Boehner announced plans to lead a fact finding mission to Iraq. “I hear the tanning there is excellent,” he said.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh endorsed the Democratic health care reform legislation in Congress yesterday, surprising listeners and winning praise from liberals.

“If this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented — I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” the conservative talker told a caller to his program.

Support for reform in the House and Senate immediately shot up, as members were deluged by constituent phone calls and emails urging they take Limbaugh up on his offer.

A snap poll taken last night by Stan Dardeviasian of Dardeviasian Opinion Research showed that after Limbaugh said he would leave the country, public support for health care reform increased to 80 percent — up from 65 percent last Friday.

“Rush Limbaugh has finally given the American people something they can agree on about health care reform, providing the final push to get it over the top,” said an obviously pleased House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“Thanks to Rush, we now have an overwhelming majority in both houses of Congress, we should have this wrapped up by the end of the day,” she said.

In recognition of Limbaugh’s support, Pelosi said the reconciliation bill would be renamed the Buy The Big Fat Idiot A Ticket On An Omnibus to Costa Rica Act.

Sarah Palin dropped out of the 2010 Iditarod today, earning her the distinction of being the first former Alaska Governor to quit the storied 1,100 mile endurance challenge.

Palin’s withdrawal comes after two days of disappointments out on the route. Palin was delayed on Saturday in Anchorage when her number one and two dogs Levi and Bristol ran off into the woods together for two hours. As a result the race had to be restarted Sunday.

After the restart Palin failed to shoot any wolves from her sled. “The terrain was unsportsmanlike by being so bumpy that I couldn’t get off a clean shot at any of them dontcha know,” she said Sunday afternoon via satellite phone.

Soon after that Palin was again delayed, this time by a crew from Dog Fancy magazine who had come to photograph Levi for the April centerfold.

Palin suffered another setback Sunday evening when perspiration blurred the directions she had written on her hand. As a result she took a wrong turn in the dark near Yentna Station and fell into last place.

“This is too hard, I quit,” Palin radioed to race officials this morning.

However, the Iditarod will not be a total loss for Palin. She has received a $1.25 million advance from HarperCollins to write a book about how to win the Iditarod, and she gets to keep all the musher apparel and equipment provided by Loki, Go, Neos, and Archie McPhee.

And Bristol is expecting puppies.

In other news, Senator John McCain today explained his decision to include dead people among the signatories of a letter opposing an end to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on gays in the military. “I’m a big supporter of seance,” said the four term Arizona lawmaker. “Our nation has produced many great military leaders like George McClellan, George Armstrong Custer, Bill Westmoreland, and my old navy buddy Matt Perry. Why should we limit ourselves to the opinions of the living, when at stake is whether our men in uniform are comfortable in the showers?”

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Canada defeats USA in overtime
Translation: Eric Cantor calls loss a defeat for Obama – “Time to get out the Zamboni and start over with a smooth sheet of ice”

Headline (photo mode):

Translation: Fortress of Solitude torched by pro-Luthor marchers

Headline: Buffett offers few hints about successors
Translation: No one laid back enough to be next mayor of Margaritaville

Headline: Tea Partiers use Fox to deliver ‘palm message’ to Palin
Translation: “This is your left hand” “This is your right hand”

Headline: How To Identify Census Takers
Translation: Bite marks on census taker’s leg identified as Michele Bachmann’s

Headline: Bunning quits filibuster
Translation: Bunning pitches imperfect game

Headline: NC congressman wants Ronald Reagan put on $50 bill
Translation: Can only be used to pay off national debt

Headline: Sebelius tells insurers rate hikes causing fear
Translation: Insurers say fear a preexisting condition

Headline: Michele Bachmann Reverses Herself on the Census
Translation: Will count herself as -1 persons

Headline: Sebelius calls for openness in insurance rate hikes
Translation: Insurers classify openness as “experimental and investigatory”

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Extreme modesty activists are in a celebratory mood, after producers of America’s Next Top Model announced today that God will be a judge on three episodes of the program.

The Almighty will start lending his ineffable fashion sense to the hit CW Network show Easter weekend, network sources say.

Shirley A. Nutt, a card-carrying modesty inspector from Westmost, North Carolina, hailed the move. Nutt’s consulting firm, Beeswax Incorporated, prints pamphlets that advise women not to dress in ways that encourage men to commit rape.

“It’s about time the fashion world turned to God,” said Nutt. “All those plunging necklines almost exposing pink, delicate nipples; the skirts slit up to where you can see nearly everything; the see-through fabrics — it’s a wonder those models aren’t continually raped day in day out. By closeted lesbians,” Nutt said.

“What we need are Bible-believing models in Christian burkas, so that everything will be left to the imagination,” she added.

Nutt said she had briefly considered plucking out her eyes, so as to not see things that might offend her. “But then I wouldn’t be able to almost see women’s nipples. In order to judge their modesty,” she said.

A staffer with the America’s Next Top Model production company confirms it is responding to pressure from a religious segment of the audience. “The South is glued to their televisions, and what the market research is telling us is that they want titillation on TV, but not in public,” said assistant show runner Giorgio R. Frandle.

“Therefore we’re going to show even more of the models dressing, undressing, and parading around in next to nothing backstage. But on the runway, the fashions to be popularized will be made of burlap, and offer head-to-toe modesty,” Frandle said.

Show host Tyra Banks said she is excited at working with I Am That I Am. “Maybe he can help clear up people confusing me with Naomi Campbell all the time,” said Banks, adding, “I’ve never laid a hand on a cab driver in my life.”

The Bachelor season finale happened this week, and while I have a strict policy never to watch this show I did read on ABCNews.com that Jake proposed to Vienna.  This got me thinking.  In the 14 seasons of The Bachelor a significant number have proposed, but only 1 has actually made it down the aisle.  In fact a little research revealed that in the 14 seasons they’ve been on the air proposals vs. non-proposals are split exactly even, 7 for 7.  Most couples who did become engaged were decoupled before the final episodes aired.

Now I’ve been a single woman, given it was many, many years ago, but I had 2 serious relationships before meeting and marrying the Frog.  That means my odds simply dating like a regular person were way better than anything a woman is going to find on reality television.  1 in 14 ladies.  Think about it.  Do you really want to marry or are you just in it for that 15 minutes of fame?

The Navy is about to lift its decades old ban on women serving aboard submarines. Now…setting aside the obviously charged issue of equality for the members of our armed forces, I have the nagging sense that men and women serving together in the closed environment of a submarine is still a bad idea, and I’d like to put forward a modest proposal to deal with the issue.

Why not just have men’s and women’s subs? I’m saying split the fleet right down the middle and avoid all of the problems. In doing so, situations like these will almost certainly be avoided:

You want me to sleep in that nasty bunk without even fresh sheets? I don’t THINK so!

The seat’s up again!

I’m going to need at least 10 more square feet of closet space.

‘Shit-on-a-shingle’? Couldn’t I just have a salad…with the dressing on the side?

What do you mean, ‘…make a hole’? [SMACK!]

Cruise missiles? Couldn’t we just talk it over?

Seriously, we could have women crew the ‘boomers’ and men crew the attack subs. Thus women would have the keys to the really big bombs (not to mention larger quarters); men would spend all their time hunting the women; and war would effectively end. Simplicity itself!

Dr. Faber (a.k.a. “Dr. Doom”) spoke at a investment conference in Tokyo last week and warned his audience to stock up on farmland and gold in preparation for the next “dirty” war.  In his keynote speech at the Annual Investment Forum he suggested to pension fund managers and investment bankers that their cell phones would cease working, the Internet would shut down and water sources would be poisoned during this upcoming war.  His advice?  Move out to the countryside (apparently cell phones and Internet will work there…), and take gold since you can carry it.  I don’t know about you, but carrying gold sounds like a ridiculous prospect.  The Frog and I discussed it and decided instead we’d stock up on Black Pepper and Brita filters and ride out the upcoming Apocalypse.

George W. Bush has sued France, attorneys for the former President disclosed today.

Papers filed with the International Small Claims Court at The Hague state that France’s declaration of a “national disaster” in the wake of storms that severely lashed the country’s Atlantic coast infringes on a Bush trademark. The filing states France should not be allowed to use the term because it did not wait five days before sending government assistance, that assistance is being correctly and efficiently distributed, and private contractors are not involved.

“I’m the only one who gets to be called that, even in French,” Bush told his official biographer James Frey.

“As soon as I heard (French President) Sarkozy had declared a national disaster, I told my lawyers to jump on it,” said Bush, who is on a motivational speaking tour of Haiti.

“See, I’m what you call synombulous with that term — in other words, I am synombulous with it. Same as how there are a lot of different facial tissues, but everyone calls all of them Kleenex,” he said.

An emergency brief filed with the court by France’s attorney general offered to have Sarkozy fly in his plane over the affected region and look concernedly out the window.

However, a spokesman for Bush said it would be sufficient if the storm, currently named Xynthia, were renamed George.