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We shall rage again

May 23, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Blogging, Personal 7 Comments →

Change is in the air around Ragebot’s offices in palatial Ragebot Tower, management will be along in a few days to explain what that’s about. In the meantime, a few summative words from here at the fake news desk.

You’ve heard of historical fiction. Fake news is current events fiction. In some ways I chose this genre because it’s easier than real news, and easier than real blogging as well. But for me fake news is the best way within my limited abilities to say something (hopefully) unique and interesting about the state of the world.

Usually the subtext running through my little stories expresses some sort of anger or disgust at something in the news, albeit hidden under jokes and lame puns. I will be forever grateful to the peripatetic Kvatch for recognizing the rage in my writing, and inviting me to join his team.

It has been a great honor to share this corner of the Web with a terrific and talented crew — Kvatch, Frogette, Cartledge (and you too, Station Agent). May Kvatch see fit to get the band back together soon.

Until then I hope Ragebot readers who enjoy my little stories will follow me back to my home base at the Wiseline Institute & Center For The Secular Humorism. And of course fans of the iNews9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator will still be able to follow it at Twitter — just go there and search for “inews9k“.

Until we meet again, Ragebotistas.

iNews Friday, 5/21/2010

May 21, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire No Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Australian finishes round-the-world sail at age 16
Translation: Discovery Institute says flat Earth could be circular

Headline: Palin- Ariz. “Ground Zero” for Border Security
Translation: Palin’s blast creates huge bombast crater

Headline: Top Interior official overseeing offshore oil and gas drilling to retire
Translation: Will receive broken gold watch

Headline: Obama welcomes women’s UConn basketball team to White House
Translation: Palin congratulates women of The Yukon

Headline: Texas ready for textbook showdown
Translation: “‘The first man on the moon was Roger Staubach’ is just an alternative point of view”

Headline: Paul tries to defuse controversy on discrimination
Translation: Paul decides to cut the black wire

Headline: Humans Invent Freak Franken-Cell
Translation: Single cell defeats Norm Coleman in dogcatcher race

N. Korea not joining Arizona boycott – “my kind of xenophobes”

May 20, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Government, Humor, International, Politics, Rights, Satire 4 Comments →

(Phoenix) San Francisco, Los Angeles, Minneapolis, and Seattle are among the growing number of cities adopting a boycott of the state of Arizona over that state’s new draconian immigration law. But one government is bucking the trend: North Korea.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer announced today she had received a letter of support from the reclusive Asian nation. “Arizonans can rest assured that their state is not alone in the world, we have friends standing with us,” Brewer told reporters at the Executive Office Building this morning.

A copy of the letter was released by the North Korea Honorary Consul and Espresso in Phoenix. In it, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il denounces the boycott as “a tool of those promoting open borders,” and praises Brewer and the citizens of Arizona. “Any people who take action to keep out the alien hoards are my kind of xenophobes,” Kim wrote.

Kim also includes an offer of economic and technology aid — linkages Brewer says she is keen to develop.

“It turns out that the very Californians who are boycotting us control power plants right here in the Grand Canyon state,” said Brewer, “and Hoover Dam is half in Arizona, but was built by and still owned by the U.S. government.”

“I’ve recently learned that those constitute an imperialist presence in Arizona. If we purchase nuclear power technology from North Korea we can build our own nuclear power plants, and end once and for all our dependence on big government hydroelectricity,” Brewer said.

The governor also said she plans to seek an in-kind payment arrangement with North Korea, so that any nuclear technology acquisition does not worsen the state’s budget situation. “For example, Supreme Leader Kim has let us know that his country is experiencing a serious tequila shortage,” she said.

Pharaoh enacts tough new immigration law

May 17, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Government, Humor, Politics, Rights, Satire 2 Comments →

May 17, 2193 BCE

(Memphis) Pharaoh Nefer reluctantly enacted a strict new immigration law last night, a response to a wave of popular sentiment opposing the presence in Egypt of the children of Israel — also known as Hebrews, or simply Jews.

The Egypt For Egyptians Act requires royal constables to question any person if there is reasonable suspicion they are Hebrew. The new law directs that anyone found to be Hebrew is to be deported, in a mass operation code-named Exodus.

The new law is an effort to quell virulent anti-Hebrew sentiment sweeping the Valley of the Sun God, instigated by Jan Brewertiti, the conservative Lower Kingdom Vizier, who blames the children of Israel for a host of problems including unemployment, chariot accidents and obscene hieroglyphics.

The immigration controversy is the latest in a series of political setbacks for the Nefer administration, chief among which are the series of plagues. The tenth and latest plague afflicted firstborn male children. However, the immunity of Hebrew firstborns has given rise to conspiracy theories blaming the children of Israel for the so-called ‘Passovergate.’

The conspiracy theories came to a head when political activist Horli Taytsankhammun publicized her claim that Moses, a senior aide to Pharaoh Nefer, is not Egyptian but a Hebrew. Taytsankhammun maintains she has clay tablets proving Moses is an ‘anchor baby,’ found as an infant floating in a Nile wetland by Pharoah Pepi II’s daughter.

“The fact that Moses has been given power in the royal palace is just one example. We need to stop all of the two million children of Israel who are taking away jobs from real Egyptians.”

On the other side, civil rights activists says the children of Israel should not be blamed. “The Hebrews are basically slaves,” explained Cleopatra Djones of the Amenhotep Civil Liberties Union. The organization helped plan a recent pro-Hebrew rally on the campus of Blessed Be The Spirit of Ra Community College.

Djones said Hebrews are doing jobs native Egyptians don’t want. “These include low paid or back breaking work, such as building pyramids, cleaning villas, gardening, and clerking at Khufu-Mart.”

The Pharaoh’s new law should have targeted slavedrivers, added Djones — the people and businesses offering the no wage jobs with no benefits. “Taking slaves is driven by demand, not by the slaves,” she said.

However, the momentum remains with Vizier Brewertiti and the anti-immigrant activists, who succeeded in inserting Operation Exodus — the mass deportation — into the Egypt For Egyptians Act.

Today palace spokesman Horus Senseman provided details of Operation Exodus. “Next month the Hebrews will be marched east to the Sinai Peninsula, with a military escort under Pharaoh Nefer’s personal command,” said Senseman. “We wish the Jews the best, and hope they find a long-term home in the land known as Palestine.”

No iNews this week

May 14, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire No Comments →

Palin advocates for Greek tax avoidance system

May 11, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Economics, Finance, Humor, International, Politics, Satire 1 Comment →

Saying the birthplace of western civilization still has much to teach us, Sarah Palin today called on America to adopt Greece’s popular tax avoidance system.

“Everyone likes lower taxes, and it doesn’t get much lower than zero,” said the former Alaska governor.

Palin’s remarks came in the wake of a May 1 International Herald Tribune report that as many as 95% of Greeks underreport their income, or evade taxes entirely.

“Ancient Greece invented many things that are American as apple pie today, such as the Olympics, Grecian Formula and sodomy. We can still learn from them too, because the average U.S. taxpayer is lagging way behind in tax avoiding also,” she said.

Palin described how the Greek system can help achieve an important Republican goal: “As well, the Greece system creates a nation-wide tax protest. People not paying their taxes is a threat to big government. Big government has to cut programs, the people are in the streets risin’ up, and I applaud them.”

“Anyone who wants to be inspired by patriotic Americans need look no further than courageous Greece peoples,” she added.

Most of all, Palin stressed that wider tax avoidance would bring much-needed fairness to the U.S. tax system. “Tax avoidance shouldn’t just be for corporations and the richest one percent,” she declared.

Liz Cheney calls on Fox to cancel ‘COPS’ – Objects to Mirandizing suspects

May 09, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Rights, Satire 3 Comments →

Conservative political activist Liz Cheney today called on the Fox Network to take its long-running COPS reality series off the air. According to the daughter of former vice president Dick Cheney, “COPS is soft on terrorism by showing police whose first instinct is to read suspects their Miranda rights.”

“I want to take my shotgun and pump a few rounds into the TV every time I see COPS subverting the war on crime,” said Cheney.

“It doesn’t make any sense. Tell evildoers they have the right to remain silent, and they’ll remain silent! It’s so stupid,” she said.

Cheney said Americans know instinctively that it is wrong to remind suspects of their rights. “Most citizens would have no objection to giving up their rights if it means helping the police. Is it wrong for police to randomly stop and question you if you’re just walking down the street? Of course not.”

Most of all, Cheney stressed her top priority in getting COPS canceled is to protect children. “That kind of Constitution garbage should not be coming into American homes. We have conservative youth we’re trying to indoctrinate,” she declared.

The next step of Cheney’s crusade is a national speaking tour, promoting the idea of replacing the court system with something she calls ‘police tribunals.’ “The courts have to be shut down because they created the Miranda warning in the first place,” she explained.

Cheney advocates broad new powers for law enforcement, including the authority to declare criminal suspects ‘illegal urban combatants,’ question them with enhanced interrogation methods, and hold them indefinitely on an island somewhere.

BP changing name to Blackwater

May 08, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Environment, Humor, Satire 3 Comments →

In a surprise move, the board of British Petroleum has voted to change its name to Blackwater, the beleaguered company announced today.

“We need to put the Gulf of Mexico oil spill behind us, BP believes it needs a name that doesn’t make people think of petroleum or oceans,” said spokesman Probert Flack.

Flack said a marketing survey performed this week revealed a majority of Americans, Europeans, Asians, Africans, Australians, Central and South Americans, and Antarcticans associate BP with massive oil slicks, oiled wildlife, polluted shorelines, and poor safety practices.

“But people don’t think those things when they hear the name Blackwater,” he said.

Flack went on to say BP settled on Blackwater after rejecting several alternatives, including Stayfree, Tide and Spray & Wash. BP attorneys determined those brands were already taken and not available for licensing.

“We got the name Blackwater from its previous owner for a song,” Flack said.

iNews Friday, 5/7/2010

May 07, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: California, Environment, Humor, Politics, Satire No Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Flashback! Watch Rielle Hunter Compete on a Game Show
Translation: “I’ll take Sex Tapes for $5 million, Alex”

Headline: Belgium Bans People Wearing Burqas in Public
Translation: Iran Parliament cafeteria now serves Freedom Waffles

Headline: Gulf of Mexico underwater oil gusher a crisis no one imagined
Translation: Not headline writers, obviously

Headline: Airlines to Announce Merger
Translation: No more armrests between seats

Headline: Sandra Bullock Moves to New Orleans
Translation: Faster New Orleans response than Bush Administration

Headline: Left on their own, cities test new marijuana rules
Translation: Mayors seek Community Development Brownie Grants

Headline: Rossi Will Not Play the Role of Scott Brown
Translation: Dino Rossi cancels Cosmo centerfold shoot – Evergreen State jubilant

Headline: Census participation increases in Minnesota
Translation: Multiple Bachmann personalities finally get counted

Headline: Cinco De Mayo- Celebrate Mexican History Across The US
Translation: Jan Brewer proclaims Arizona a Margarita-Free Zone

Headline: ‘Most-hated,’ anti-gay preacher once fought for civil rights
Translation: The fateful day Fred Phelps first snorted myrrh

Headline: Gulf oil spill reaches Freemason Island as BP prepares to lower giant funnel
Translation: BP’s oil bong arrives at beach too late for Spring Break 2010

Headline: Palin endorses Fiorina in California Senate race
Translation: Palin to shoot FCINOs in sheep’s clothing from helicopter

Local insurance company repays bailout funds

May 05, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

Hi, I’m Thurston Powell, president and CEO of Westmost Mutual Insurance, with some great news for western North Carolina.

I’m pleased to announce that we have repaid our one billion dollar federal loan early, plus interest.

This second chance guarantees the company’s future, and frees us to operate without our executive compensation plan having to be approved by the government’s special master.

For me, it means I will again be able to receive my 20 million annual bonus.

We are grateful for the trust you have placed in us, and we are going to do right by the Westmost community and you, our valued policyholders.

So after fifty three years of insuring automobiles, homes and collateralized debt obligations, we are changing our name to MedHealthEx. We hope you will let us be Westmost’s neighborhood health insurance company.

MedHealthEx is going to be all about innovation. That’s why we are working with Nevada Senate candidate Sue Lowden to help make the dream of health insurance bartering a reality.

We’re calling it the Chicken Cooperative Plan — the Chicken Coop for short — and here’s how it will work.

Raising chickens is a lot of work, they take up room, and it’s a hassle to take them to your doctor’s office or hospital emergency room.

That’s where MedHealthEx comes in. With our partner Mount Pilot Farms we’re starting a fully-equipped chicken bank. Just leave your chickens with us.

Then when you go to a doctor who is in the Chicken Coop network, your doctor will submit a chicken claim to MedHealthEx. We will calculate the number of chickens and pay your doctor with chickens out of your account — less a number of chickens for our administrative costs, advertising, lobbying, and shareholder return.

We’re also going to have a catastrophic plan, where we only pay your doctor in eggs, and you make copayments of bacon.

MedHealthEx — charting the future of American health care. Because we need the eggs.

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