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Archive for the ‘Transportation’

Andrews International Airport

April 18, 2012 By: Kvatch Category: District of Columbia, Politics, Transportation 1 Comment →

This is the most fiscally irresponsible act that I have seen during my career… It is completely irresponsible to hold up the budget of Virginia that serves 8 million people for one earmark, for one 11-mile railroad in one area of the state.

Robert F. McDonnell (R), Governor of Virginia

No you partisan f*ck! What’s irresponsible is for the entitled whiners that serve in Virginia’s legislature to continue to play fiscal dodge-ball with the funding of Virginia’s portion of the Phase II Dulles rail extension.

For 50 years now, Virgina has reaped the benefit of having the only International airport in the national capital area way-the-f*ck-out in the their state’s hinterlands. But for the rest of us, Dulles is a big fat, hard to get to PAIN-IN-THE-ASS!!! Which is made all the worse because Virginia doesn’t want to pony up what amounts to 1/10 what the Federal government is throwing into the project.

Here’s an idea, how about we move the international airport to Andrews AFB. It’s a hell of a lot closer to downtown DC, you only have to build a short annex off Metro’s Blue Line to connect it to public transit. It’s got really…really long runways and plenty of space for new terminals. (The president and Air Force One can even have their own runway.) You’ll be able to hear the wailing of northern Virginian’s from space, and Dulles can be left to rot…oh…and serve Southwest. They love airports with lots of free gate space.

Metro Melts Down

October 17, 2011 By: Kvatch Category: District of Columbia, Transportation 2 Comments →

And to think that I used to complain about San Francisco MUNI…

I just took Washington Metro’s idiotic survey regarding last week’s Clarendon incident. In typical WMATA fashion, the survey ensures that Metro will gain no insight about what really went wrong that evening.

The WMATA won’t hear about the 700 inbound riders waiting in vain for non-existent shuttles at Ballston.

The WMATA won’t hear about the dozens of transit police that refused to help direct traffic at Clarendon so that buses packed with commuters could get through.

The WMATA won’t hear about the 40 or so emergency vehicles clogging the streets around Clarendon, when just a few would have sufficed.

The WMATA won’t hear about the thousands of outbound commuters clogging the sidewalks at Rossyln, waiting for shuttles that never came. Nor will the WMATA hear about the hundreds of inbound commuters who were denied entrance by station managers at Rossyln after practically being kicked off of DC bound buses.

The WMATA won’t hear about the hundreds of inbound commuters who, left with no other alternative, had to walk from Rossyln to Foggy Bottom! (It’s about 2 miles.)

In short, the WMATA won’t hear about any of the real problems because their worthless, waste-of-time survey doesn’t ask any of the RIGHT F*CKING QUESTIONS!

Here’s a thought… Maybe Metro managers should pull their collective heads out of their asses and try to learn something from this so that the next time an idiot tries to commit ‘suicide by subway’ they’ll deal with it like professionals instead of the STUPID F*CKING AMATEURS that they are!!!

Stuck in traffic for a month?!

August 23, 2010 By: Frogette Category: Transportation, Travel 2 Comments →

I read this story today about a 9 day traffic jam in China.  9 days.  Can you imagine?  It seems some construction work gummed up the freeway and now trucks and cars are stranded until Sept. 13th.  Yes, Sept. 13th.  That’s with the assistance of 400 police officers.  Sounds like they’ll never untangle the snarl.  Me, I can’t even get my mind around being stuck in traffic for a month.  Time to stop complaining how bad traffic is here!

BOIL’M Initiative

April 01, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Humor, Satire, Transportation 2 Comments →

Washington (f-A-ke. P.) —

Today in Washington, the Obama Administration announced a new initiative designed to reform the energy industry and fundamentally change US energy policy:

We’re going to call this critical policy change (B)ig (OIL) Refor(M) or “BOIL’M” for short and it will do for ‘transportation poor’ Americans what our administration’s recent health-care initiative did for the millions of uninsured in this great country.

President Obama

A centerpiece of BOIL’M is the so-called ‘play-or-pay’ requirement mandating that all Americans buy a minimum amount of gasoline per month or pay a set of government fines that will increase yearly through 2020. Americans who don’t own cars will not be exempt from ‘play-or-pay’ on the assumption that it will encourage them to “do the right thing”. The administration has stated that these mandates are necessary to ensure that, “…we use all the new oil we’re going to get from drilling the crap out of the Gulf and Atlantic“.

Mandatory Life In Prison For Cagers

March 30, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: California, Law, Transportation 3 Comments →

You know…it’s time we stopped screwing around when it comes to sentencing in murder cases that involve cars and trucks. It boils down to this: If you’re stupid enough, arrogant enough, or irresponsible enough to use a multi-ton vehicle as a weapon, then when you’re convicted you should spend the rest of your life in jail…PERIOD! No appeal, no extenuating circumstances, go straight the clink and rot there for the rest of your f*cking life!

Take the case of Monica Mercado, recently given a 32 years to life sentence in Compton, California for running down a pregnant rival for her boyfriend’s affections. This bitch will probably be out of prison and back in an SUV in 15 or 16 years—not even enough time to serve as a decent deterrent.

Frankly, if it were up to me, I’d take ever case of vehicular manslaughter and prosecute it as murder first, letting the circumstances as presented at trial dictate whether or not the charge should be reduced. That would deal with two big problems we have with how cagers treat pedestrians: 1) The fact that most people exercise no more restraint—no more responsibility—with their cars than they would if they were on foot or even on a bike; 2) The fact that most states have ludicrous and complex sets of rules about when the use of a car as a weapon constitutes murder and when it does not. Plain fact is, if every pedestrian/car encounter that results in a death is treated as a potential murder, cagers will have to think twice about how they drive.

Dispatches From South America – The Importance of Down

February 06, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Roadtrip, Transportation 7 Comments →

I would have thought that, with all the new and exciting low-emissions diesel technology making it’s way into cars and trucks in Europe, we’d see some of that here in Ecuador. After all, most of the buses that trundle up and down the length of Quito are fairly new model Mercedes and Volkswagons. But no, even the newest buses put out choking clouds of black smoke. It’s almost as if Europe’s suppliers make special, “Extra-polluting,” models just for South America—might even be pretty close to the truth.

So, in order to avoid coming back the United States with latter-day equivalent of black lung, the Frogette and I have developed a simple rule: If you’re walking uphill, walk against traffic. If you’re walking downhill, walk with traffic. “Why?” you may ask. It’s simple really. You want to catch the buses going downhill at all times. And here in Quito’s historic center, where every road is a a one-way and most streets have a steep slope, nothing is more important than walking where the buses have an opportunity to coast.

More ‘Dispatches From South America’

New magazine jolts publishing world – TSA body scans to appear in “Public Screenings”

January 07, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Government, Health, Humor, International, Media, Politics, Satire, Transportation, Travel 2 Comments →

The White House announced the first stage of a new business diversification plan today, launching the first-ever government owned monthly magazine.

“Public Screenings” will carry images of airline passengers taken by Transportation Security Administration using the new millimeter-wave scanning machines.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the TSA originally planned to release the photos in the Federal Register, as a way to preempt the paperwork burden of responding to inevitable Freedom of Information Act requests by Maxim, FHM and Fox News.

However, the Office of Management and Budget reviewed the project and immediately saw how a new magazine, when coupled with the public’s insatiable interest in seeing people naked, could result in a major new revenue source.


Gibbs
Press secretary featured in spread in premiere issue

Gibbs cited how the tens of millions of people who fly every year would quickly create a huge collection of body scans of people from all walks of life — including the rich and famous. “The sales of issues containing Tiger Woods mistresses alone could pay for three years worth of the upcoming military occupation of Yemen,” Gibbs said, adding: “Whoopsie.”

OMB projections see newsstand sales erasing the national debt by June.

However, the private sector publishing world denounced “Public Screenings” as exploitation and an invasion of privacy, and called the idea of a federally-published magazine socialistic.

“Americans don’t want a bureaucrat standing between them and their paparazzi, we already have the best private naked picture delivery system in the world,” said Vernon H.W. Lechér, spokesman for the U.S. chapter of the British Institute of Nude Observation Clubs United for Laws Against Robes (B.I.N.O.C.U.L.A.R.), a free-market less privacy rights organization.

“This is a job killer. If Barack Obama has his way, instead of lurking in bushes with telephoto lenses, thousands of independent photographic entrepreneurs will be living under those bushes,” Lechér said.

Instead, Government should cut regulations on independent photographic entrepreneurs. “Imagine what the Globe or National Enquirer could do with those TSA body scanners — provided all local voyeur laws are canceled by executive order,” said Lechér.

“Honest people with curtains and nothing to hide should have no objections,” he added.

In other news, Fox News commentator Brit Hume said yesterday that he meant no offense to Buddhism when he advised prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian. “I was only saying that his kitchen floor would be cleaner and shinier with new improved Christianity, over Buddhism or other kinds of witchcraft,” Hume told Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.

Demint has alternative to unionized TSA – Larry Craig may scan male air travelers

December 30, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Politics, Privacy, Satire, Transportation, Travel 5 Comments →

Declaring that every alternative security method should be explored before allowing Transportation Security Administration personnel to unionize, Sen. Jim Demint (R-SC) introduced legislation today directing the TSA to use former Sen. Larry Craig to screen air passengers.

The proposal is in response to the Christmas Day incident aboard an Amsterdam-Detroit flight on which a passenger was caught attempting to light an explosive device concealed in his underwear.

Demint’s bill creates a pilot program that would station Craig, the former three term Republican senator from Idaho, at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where he would visually assess and hand-search all male air travelers.

“Airline security will also be President Obama’s Waterloo, and Larry Craig is the leading Republican expert on loos in airports,” said Demint.

“Craig has the know-how, the eyes and the hands for the job,” Demint said.

Reached while vacationing on New York’s Fire Island, Craig displayed ‘Official Underwear Inspector’ business cards he had already had printed. “What do you think about that?” he asked reporters.

An amendment to Demint’s bill by Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) would require all female passengers passing through McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas to be screened by Ensign and professional golfer Tiger Woods.

“Only Tiger and I together have the capacity to screen the estimated 9 million women annually passing through McCarran,” Ensign said.

Pat MacRauch, a TSA screener since 2006, said a proposal like Demint and Ensign’s is the very reason he and fellow screeners should be allowed to join a union. “Friskings require extensive training and are one of the biggest perks of the job. We’re not going to let amateur enthusiasts do them for free,” MacRauch said.

TSA Freaks Out! …Again

December 27, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Government, Transportation, Travel 9 Comments →

Three years ago, we all thought that the ‘no liquid, no gels’ rule on US bound flights was just a temporary thing. We joked about how it would lead to new draconian restrictions on air travel. A few airlines, most notably British Airways , did clamp down for a few weeks on the really dangerous stuff…like books and magazines. But then we all just learned to put up with 3 oz fluid containers, all the while holding our noses because of all those stinky feet in the security lines.

But with the most recent bungled attempt to bring down a Northwest Airlines jumbo, TSA seems to have jumped the security shark. Reports are coming in that indicate that passengers are being required to say seated for the last 60 minutes of all inbound international flights, while at the same time keeping their laps clear and their hands in view. Fliers are saying that they’ve been prevented from using their ‘approved electronics devices’, from laptops…to iPods…to DVD viewers.

F*ck! At this rate we really will be flying naked in no time—ordered to disgorge the contents of our stomachs and bowels before boarding to ensure that we’re not carrying anything that TSA might not like, including that Taco Bell burrito you choked down on your way to the gate.

Rules Car

October 20, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Roadtrip, Transportation 9 Comments →

You can’t have a road trip without a car. So some weeks before we took off, the Frogette and I acquired a new set of wheels.

We figured that, with Saab still not sure that it’ll be a company in a year, we could get a sweet deal. And so we picked up a used 9-3 Sportcombi—Swedish for “wagon” I suppose—at a rock-bottom price. Now I’ve never owned a “luxury” car, and though this thing probably doesn’t compare to your average BMW, it really does have all the bells and whistles. It also has more indicators than a Space Shuttle, more beeps than R2D2, and one additional thing: RULES!

No starting the car when it’s not in park…and your foot’s on the brake. No fog lights (front or rear) unless your headlights are on. (Daytime running-lights are not good enough.) Want more AC…or heat? No problem, but every chance it gets the Saab gets it puts the system back into “auto” mode. No shutting off the headlights period. This car will warn you when you’re going too fast, get too close to a pedestrian (…or a car, or a post, or your garage door…even when it’s open), get too close to empty, unlatch your seat belt, leave a light on, window open, or parking brake un-engaged.

Definitely the Swedes think they’ve got a better way: Socialistic paternalism embodied in a car.

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