Mr Kvatch knows full well that a fat fingered, short sighted individual has little chance of operating miniature devices effectively, but challenged for the hell of it:” …but I want to hear his top 25 anyway.”
So, without an iPod device I pulled out my collection of shellac, vinyl and magnetic tape music, threw it on the floor and randomly chose 25. I also, just for the sake of reality – hummed, whistled or crooned a few bars from each.

1. The Rooftop Singers – Walk Right In
2. Different Trains – Steve Reich
3. Dancing In The Street – Billy Thorpe
4. Goin’ Back To New Orleans – Dr. John w/ Neville Brothers, Al Hirt
5. Toccata and Fugue in D minor – Bach
6. Hold On I’m Coming – Eric Clapton & BB King
7. Yeh Yeh – Georgie Fame
8. Akhnaten – Philip Glass
9. Little Red Rooster – Howlin’ Wolf & Yardbirds
10. Papas Got A Brand New Bag – James Brown
11. Whole Lotta Love – Led Zepplin
12. Angelina Zooma Zooma – Louis Prima
13. Pretty Flamingo – Manfred Mann
14. Bachianas Brasileiras No. 5 Aria [Villa-Lobos] – Joan Baez
15. Ring of Fire – Johnny Cash [WTF how did that get there?]
16. New World Symphony – Dvořák
17. Rio – Mike Nesmith
18. Sloth – Fairport Convention
19. Rolf Harris – Kevin Bloody Wilson
20. Boris the Spider – The Who
21. The Gymnopédies – Erik Satie
22. Blue In Green – Miles Davis
23. Crepuscule With Nellie – Thelonious Monk
24. The Real Thing – Russell Morris
25. Big Yellow Taxi – Joni Mitchell.

Ron Nasty hit me up with, “The Best of My iPod,” my favorite 25 tracks. But what Ron doesn’t know is that I am possessed by my iPod. Things are out of my hands. The iPod ‘o Doom knows all…what I like…what I need. It does the picking for me.

And what does Satan’s little MP3 player have for us today?

1. Pearl Jam – “Rats”, Vs.
2. This Mortal Coil – “Fyt”, It’ll End In Tears
3. T-Bone Burnett – “Humans From Earth”, ‘Until the End of the World’ – Soundtrack
4. Crowded House – “Black & White Boy”, Together Alone
5. Talking Heads – “Swamp”, Stop Making Sense
6. Garbage – “Queer”, Garbage
7. Prince & The NPG, “Gett Off”, Diamonds and Pearls
8. Icehouse, “Great Southern Land”, Primitive Man
9. The Offspring – “Come Out and Play”, Smash
10. The Crystal Method – “PHD”, Tweekend
11. Budderball – “She’s Dead”, The Great Pepper Shaker In The Sky
12. Depeche Mode – “Clean”, Violator
13. Nirvana – “Heart-shaped Box”, In Utero
14. John Lee Hooker – “Cry Before I Go”, Urban Blues
15. Siouxsie and the Banshees – “Little Sister”, Superstition
16. Santana – “Oye Como Va”, The Best of Santana
17. The Cars – “Heartbeat City”, Heartbeat City
18. XTC – “The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead”, Nonsuch
19. Peter Gabriel – “Of These, Hope”, Passion – Music for the ‘Last Temptation of Christ’
20. R.E.M. – “Bang and Blame”, Monster
21. Stevie Ray Vaughan – “Texas Flood”, Texas Flood
22. The B-52’s – “Is That You Mo-Dean?”, Good Stuff
23. Madonna – “Bedtime Story”, Bedtime Stories
24. The Folk Implosion – “Kingdom of Lies”, One Part Lullaby
25. Moby – “Inside”, Play

I don’t know if Cartledge has an iPod, but I want to hear his top 25 anyway.

Hello, my friends. It’s me again, John Sidney McCain III, bringing you another installment in my ongoing series, Spare Change You Can Believe In.

My opponent Barack Hussein Obama has been telling Americans that I’m running for President Bush’s third term. Bloomers! There are all kinds of differences between the president and me.

How’s this for different: a market-based solution to homeland security.

People seem upset about domestic surveillance. Fine, I can see their point. When Phil Gramm wants to pick up the phone and call me, no one needs to listen-in on two old farts chatting about recipes, The Young & Restless, energy trading deregulation, or sub prime mortgage bundling.

Here’s some Spare Change You Can Believe In: when I’m in the White House, Americans will be able to get a new USA Rewards card.

Here’s how the USA Rewards system will work. In exchange for access to all your PINs and passwords (which I promise will be used for marketing purposes only), you’ll earn Patriot Points every time you pay FICA, donate to participating political parties, or reenlist in the armed forces.

Patriot Points will be redeemable for interest on disaster repair loans, discount admissions to national parks and the Smithsonian, flu shots, food stamps, and assistance from faith-based organizations.

Most important is that the USA Rewards card will keep you safe. A harmless little GPS chip called the Super America National Tracking Aide, or SANTA, will let the DHS know where you are at all times, and whether you’re sleeping, awake, bad or good. Everyone loves SANTA, my friends, and SANTA is Uncle Sam’s best friend on Facebook. SANTA will help DHS identify troublemakers and assign them COAL status, short for Communist or Arab, Likely.

So to sum up: not Bush’s third term; Rewards card; big discounts; keeping you safe; Christmas.

One last thing. It takes a long time to say “my friends,” my friends. So from now on I’m going to do like the texters do, and shorten it to ‘MFs,’ and sometimes ‘MFers.’ Because I’m young and hep too.

So thanks for listening, MFers. Please join me again for the next: Spare Change You Can Believe In.