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Obama, Pelosi pay $2500 for $500 Dodge van – Plan summer Apology Tour

March 22, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Government, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

President Barack Obama and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi followed yesterday’s passage of federal health care reform legislation by purchasing a 1985 Dodge Astrovan for $2500. The van was put up for sale for $500 in the Washington Post classifieds by Ms. Ina Surance of Hartford, Connecticut.

Obama and Pelosi will use the van during a June nationwide Apology Tour — two weeks driving from Washington, DC to California, stopping along the way to apologize to the Democratic base for the health care overhaul, which:

  • lacks a public option
  • mandates Americans to buy health insurance from for-profit companies
  • subsidizes coverage by giving taxpayer dollars to insurance companies
  • fails to repeal antitrust immunity for insurance companies, and
  • does not bar preexisting conditions for group insurance plans, and
  • leaves intact the geographic disparity in Medicare reimbursement rates

This morning Obama and Pelosi went before the Washington press corps to celebrate the van deal. Obama described his negotiating strategy: “When I saw the van was $500, I immediately offered Ms. Surance $600. When she said $500 was all it was worth, I kept bidding it up until finally she agreed to accept five times her asking price,” Obama said.

The Speaker agreed it was a good compromise. “We could have taken the Amtrak public option, coast to coast for $524 in USA Rail Passes. Except Rahm Emanuel agreed with Mitch McConnell beforehand that we wouldn’t do that,” she said.

Giveaway To ‘Big Insurance’ Passes House

March 22, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Government, Health, Kleptocracy 4 Comments →

You can sum up the so-called “health bill” that passed the House last night in one sentence:

Mandatory insurance is NOT universal care!

…no matter what that asswipe Obama or the corporate cronies in the Democratic Party say.

This bill is a f*cking disaster.  It’s an enormous giveaway to Aetna, Cigna, and Wellpoint that will do little to improve the health situation for those 25 – 32 million people who’ll be forced to buy private insurance in public exchanges.  Did you see the part of the bill that details the quality of coverage in these ‘plans of last resort’?  No?  Probably because it’s not there!  Likewise, the ability to exclude based on pre-existing conditions isn’t gone.  It’s just been delayed in order to force more people into the exchanges where insurance companies can offer crap coverage with crippling deductibles at high rates.

About the only good thing in this bill are the industry targets for how much of premiums must be spent on actual care.  But that doesn’t go far toward mitigating the reality of this bill:  The party, that at every stage voiced their support for a ‘public option’, did everything in their power to ensure that no such option ever made it into this bill.

Long story short:  Obama, Pelosi, and Reid screwed us and gave the insurance industry more than it could ever have hoped for from the GOP.

GOP declares itself March Madness favorite – “We are the maddest of all” says Bachmann

March 18, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Politics, Satire, Sports 3 Comments →

The Republican Party surprised the collegiate basketball world today, when it declared itself the favorite to win this month’s ‘March Madness.’

“If this is about who’s the most insane, it’s a slam dunk for Republicans because we are the maddest of all,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, the party’s go-to person on derangement issues.

Bachmann touted head coach Michael Steele’s completely insane starting lineup, which has no forwards or center.

The squad’s chief playcaller is Sarah “Death Panels” Palin, who writes all the plays on her hand. She gave up her final year of eligibility at Alaska in order to be drafted in 2008.

Palin is joined in the back court by John “The Tan” Boehner, who once forgot that health care reform bills have passed both the House and Senate.

Then there’s the totally nuts Sen. Jim Bunning from Kentucky, who tried to cut off the unemployment and COBRA benefits of hundreds of thousands of registered voters. He is so popular fans mobbed him as he tried to enter his private elevator, which does not go all the way to the top.

Bunning often feeds the ball to Arizona’s John “Loopy” Kyl, who thinks unemployment benefits make people less likely to look for work.

Finally there is “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann herself, a second-term outpatient from Minnesota who has called for revolution, is suspicious of the Census, and is currently accusing the media of treason.

The GOP also thinks its bench gives it an advantage, deep with senators who play killer defense on health care reform, and House members who can’t bring themselves to call Joseph Stack a terrorist. New sixth man discovery Bob Marshall of Virginia — who says birth defects are God’s punishment for women who aborted their first pregnancies — adds extra delusion to Coach Steele’s playbook.

Assistant Coach Lamar Alexander also brings experience, handing clean sheets of paper to Steele for the hand-tooled leather and diamond-studded Gucci playbook.

The one question mark is veteran Ron Paul, a fan favorite who nonetheless is in Steele’s doghouse and seen his playing time dwindle to nothing.

The Democratic Party had expected to be highly seeded this year, but has seen its March Madness hopes disappear in the past three weeks after both James Traficant and Eric Massa quit the team. Head coach Barack “The Big O” Obama hopes health care reform with no public option is just insane enough to make Democrats this year’s Cinderella squad.

Journey rushed to hospitals after Democrats stop believin’

March 15, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Politics, Satire, Society 4 Comments →

Current and past members of the 1970s-80s supergroup Journey were separately rushed to hospitals Friday after millions of Democrats stopped believin’. Doctors say supporters of President Obama stopped holding on to the feelin’ after Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated she would not insert the public option into health care reform reconciliation legislation now in the House.

In his Saturday weekly radio and internet address, President Obama urged streetlights, people hold on.

The end of believin’ sent shockwaves up and down the boulevard between the White House and Capitol Hill. Democrats, neighbors and strangers from coast to coast who have been waiting for real health care reform vented their displeasure at the White House and Democratic Congressional leaders, jamming switchboards of progressive talk radio and overloading servers of Daily Kos and Huffington Post.

Signs that Journey was being affected became public after former lead singer Steve Perry was admitted to South Detroit Medical Center suffering from extremely bad vibes. Shortly afterward reports circulated that guitarist Neil Schon, drummer Steve Smith and bassist Randy Jackson were in California emergency rooms suffering from similar symptoms.

“The acute musician senses picked up on Democratic disillusionment that is sweeping the country,” said Dr. Maya Ize of the National Institutes of Rock & Roll Health. “The increase in people not believin’ was too much negative energy for current and former Journey members, resulting in a rise of bad vibes to near-toxic levels,” Dr. Ize said.

Health care reform activists regretted the impact on Journey, but said Democrats have stopped believin’ in President Obama’s health care reform effort. “We were believin’ Obama when he campaigned on health care reform and the public option,” said Franklin Delano Frandle, spokesman for People for the Unethical Treatment of Insurance Companies, a group favoring a single payer system.

“But after more than a year of delay in Washington, we no longer have open arms for the Obama approach. We fear a deal has been made in a smokey room between Congress and insurance lobbyists,” he said, adding: “citizens facing escalating insurance rates can’t afford to pay anything to roll the dice.”

Independent Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont agrees on the need for a public option. “Without a public option it won’t be real reform. Some will win, some will lose, and some will sing the blues,” said Sanders.

“There has to be a public insurance option to compete with private insurance, otherwise this midnight train isn’t goin’ anywhere,” he said.

In other news, the woman at the center of the John Edwards scandal says she is penniless. In a photo spread for GQ, Rielle Hunter revealed how Elizabeth Edwards has actually sued Hunter’s pants off.

GOP lines up to back new Afghanistan strategy – “Time to start over with a clean occupation”

March 11, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

With fighting approaching its ninth year and operations against insurgents entering a new phase, Republicans in Congress today launched a new effort to reform U.S. policy on Afghanistan.

“It’s time to start over with a clean occupation plan,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, the minority leader.

“The American people don’t want the president’s costly, complicated plan. What we need is to find what Republicans and defense contractors agree on and proceed step by step, in a bipartisan fashion,” McConnell said.

Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee also stated the need for cooperation. “Now see here, I, I say, instead of trying to strike di-rectly at Taliban insurgents, we should go step by step, boy, stopping to re-view each move in a series of committee hearings. It’s time to reset the number of tours our troops have served in Afghanistan to ze-ro, and start over with a clean occupation plan, I do de-clare.”

In the House, GOP whip Eric Cantor likened President Obama’s Afghanistan policy to a strategy game he tried to learn when he was a quiet, science-fiction loving teenager in Richmond, Virginia. “What we have now is like that game Risk. Infantry, cavalry and artillery, routes and territories — it’s way too complicated.”

“It’s time to clear the board and throw all the cards and gamepieces on the floor — start over by rolling the dice and going step by step with a clean occupation plan,” Cantor said.

In a related story, House minority leader John Boehner attacked the White House’s proposal to seek out defense waste and fraud using a network of undercover citizen investigators, posing as arms buyers. Boehner called the idea “a government takeover of the military.”

“The American people like the Blackwater they have and want to keep it. What the people want is to control costs, and to do that we need more private, market-based solutions for defense,” said the Ohio lawmaker. Citing tort reform as an example of a way to lower the cost of frivolous lawsuits against firms whose employees rape fellow employees, Boehner announced plans to lead a fact finding mission to Iraq. “I hear the tanning there is excellent,” he said.

Shock! Limbaugh backs health care reform

March 09, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Media, Politics, Satire 7 Comments →

Radio host Rush Limbaugh endorsed the Democratic health care reform legislation in Congress yesterday, surprising listeners and winning praise from liberals.

“If this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented — I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” the conservative talker told a caller to his program.

Support for reform in the House and Senate immediately shot up, as members were deluged by constituent phone calls and emails urging they take Limbaugh up on his offer.

A snap poll taken last night by Stan Dardeviasian of Dardeviasian Opinion Research showed that after Limbaugh said he would leave the country, public support for health care reform increased to 80 percent — up from 65 percent last Friday.

“Rush Limbaugh has finally given the American people something they can agree on about health care reform, providing the final push to get it over the top,” said an obviously pleased House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“Thanks to Rush, we now have an overwhelming majority in both houses of Congress, we should have this wrapped up by the end of the day,” she said.

In recognition of Limbaugh’s support, Pelosi said the reconciliation bill would be renamed the Buy The Big Fat Idiot A Ticket On An Omnibus to Costa Rica Act.

iNews Friday – Hey, You Got Your HCR On My Peanut Butter edition, 2/26/2010

February 26, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: California, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 3 Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Schwarzenegger Says “Worst Is Over” for Recession
Translation: Reporter misheard “Wurst is over” as Governator finished lunch

Headline: FBI Investigates Webcam Spy Allegations Against School
Translation: CIA sends recruiting officer

Headline: Some US Students Learn Mandarin With China’s Help
Translation: China needs an educated workforce to work in its call centers

Headline: Don’t Expect Miracles From Health Confab
Translation: GOP hits Obama – no faith healing in plan

Headline: Michele Bachmann RSVPs Regrets to Constituents
Translation: Miss Bachmann regrets she’s unable to demonize today, madam

Headline: Obama’s health care plan likely to dominate the week
Translation: Palin dominates weak-minded
Translation (Turbo mode): GOP dominates Reid

Headline: Palin to guest on Leno
Translation: Cue card guy gets night off, Leno to write monolog on his hand

Headline: Gibbs- We Didn’t Include The Public Option Because It Doesn’t Have The Votes
Translation
: The Corporate Ayes Have It

Headline: Andrew Breitbart Promises Final Solution to Liberalism in 3 Weeks
Translation: FEC v. Citizens United Macht Frei”

Headline: Fearing Obama Agenda, States Push to Loosen Gun Laws
Translation: States urge sick to get health care at gunpoint
Translation (Turbo mode): New home sales rise after warning shots

Headline: Alexander urges Obama to start with ‘clean sheet of paper’ on health care
Translation: GOP health care plan is a blank sheet of paper

Bayh unretires – Was “counting on my wife’s cut of the Anthem rate hike”

February 22, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: DINOs, Environment, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

Senator Evan Bayh today reversed his week-old decision to retire from the U.S. Senate, citing economic reasons.

The two-term Indiana lawmaker told a Washington DC press conference he was forced to unretire after his wife learned Anthem Blue Cross of California is delaying a planned 39% hike in subscriber premiums. Susan Bayh is a board member of Indiana-based WellPoint, Anthem’s parent company.

“I was counting on my wife’s cut of the Anthem rate hike, that was going to be our retirement nest egg,” said Bayh.

Growing reflective, Bayh wondered aloud about the future of the American status quo. “I worked hard this past year making sure nothing happened with health care reform, for this?” he asked.

“It used to be in this country that a man born to wealth and power could use that position, and his cozy connections, to get even further ahead,” he said.

“Instead, I’m going to have to do like many Americans who have lost their retirement savings in the recession, and keep working. It makes you want to give up on the institution of Congress. Almost,” Bayh said.

In other news, the Obama administration announced nuclear power as the new centerpiece of its environment and energy efficiency policies. “America’s energy future won’t just be green, it will glow green thanks to new, totally safe-ish nuclear plants,” Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said.

GOP split on health care — Bachmann: we didn’t nuke Japan enough – Palin: we nuked them the right amount

February 03, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, History, Humor, International, Politics, Satire 9 Comments →

A congresswoman’s remarks on Japan’s health care system this week have unexpectedly resulted in a disagreement between two of the Republican Party’s leading personalities.

It all began Tuesday when Rep. Michele Bachmann, addressing home state supporters in Rochester, Minnesota, warned that Democratic health proposals would lead to limits on Americans’ free speech. A government-controlled health plan, she said, would allow the government to threaten its critics by denying them health care.

Bachmann pointed to Japan as an illustration of what happens when the government takes over health care. “You know those old Japanese soldiers who hid in the jungles and didn’t know World War II was over until decades later?” she asked.

“Well what they were hiding from was the government health care system, forced down their throats after the war by that well-known pinko General Douglas MacArthur,” Bachmann said.

Bachmann reminded her audience that the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were a preemptive action meant to prevent post-war socialism. “Obviously we didn’t nuke them enough,” she said.

Those comments did not sit well with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The rising GOP star and Fox News commentator questioned Bachmann’s version of history, telling viewers Tuesday night, “I’ve seen M*A*S*H? So I think I’m on on firm ground by pointing out MacArthur was a Korean general, not Japanese?”

Continued Palin: “And not only that, but if you don’t mind me saying so also, the nuking was needed to rouse Godzilla from his slumbering on the ocean floor.”

“Thereto, the three times we nuked Japan was exactly the right amount,” Palin said.

However, in a retort issued through her press office, the Minnesota lawmaker stood by her evaluation that Japan had not been nuked enough. “If all of Japan had been incinerated, it would have saved them from being enslaved by socialist government health care,” Bachmann said.

I hope you’ve had your shots…

February 02, 2010 By: Frogette Category: Commentary, Economics, Health 4 Comments →

…because there is a plague headed your way.  And, no I’m not talking of the H1N1 pandemic Kvatch spoke of earlier this week, I mean the “Foreclosure Plague”.  Yes foreclosures aren’t just a financial inconvenience wreaking havoc across the U.S. economy, they are now a plague.  CNNMoney.com this week issued a post with the tagline, “Foreclosure Plague:  Don’t Catch It”.   It is basically a list of “hot spots” in America where foreclosures are still going strong.  The headline, however, made we want to go into decontamination.  Foreclosure is a plague?  And it’s spreading?  Does that mean I could, uh, catch it?  Wait, I don’t own a home, whew, I’m probably immune.  The rest of you, watch out!

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