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Archive for the ‘Finance’

CEO Liddy: ‘No More Party Money Needed For AIG’

May 13, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Finance, Government, Satire 9 Comments →

New York (f-A-ke. P.) —

AIG , the recipient of approximately $170 billion in taxpayer bailout money, will not need more government aid, CEO Ed Liddy plans to tell Congress.

“We’ve grabbed so much taxpayer cash it’s starting to look embarrassing, and we’re quite frankly worried about our neighbors coming up our driveways with torches and pitchforks,” Liddy states, according to his prepared testimony for Wednesday morning’s hearing before the House Oversight & Government Reform Committee. “Although as I have said before, my need for a new Gulfstream V will probably be a factor.”

The generous wads of cash for ex-employees is just one four areas in which Liddy touts “substantial progress” made as part of the company’s ongoing restructuring.

“We are throwing parties and hiring hookers…doing as much ‘Colombian Supremo’ as humanly possible,” he says. “But let’s face it, how much cocaine can any one person really snort off the tummy of a teenager. We may need to wind down the activities of the ‘Global Whoopie Unit’ before too long.”

Big Three’s Company – Car makers cut costs, move into small Santa Monica apartment

May 04, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: California, Entertainment, Finance, Government, Humor, Politics, Satire 5 Comments →

General Motors, Ford Motor Co. and Chrysler have agreed to terms with the government under which the troubled “Big Three” automobile manufacturers would restructure in order to qualify for billions in federal assistance. The chief executives of the three companies made their announcement this morning at a press event in Santa Monica, California.

Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli said after his company emerges from reorganization it will partner with Italy’s Fiat, giving Chrysler access to the investment funds of certain Sicilian family businesses. “They’re more ethical and public-spirited than the hedge funds we’ve been dealing with,” said Nardelli.

Ford President Alan Mulally gave an extensive Powerpoint presentation about how there has been absolutely nothing funny about his company since the Pinto.

And GM’s J.O. Sampson said he intends to focus on the ongoing search for “the real killers of the electric car.”

In an unexpected move, all three companies will increase efficiencies by unifying their management and professional workforces. Over the next two years they will consolidate their sprawling, expensive Detroit headquarters operations into a single location in Santa Monica.

Mulally, Sampson and Nardelli said they slipped into this southern California oceanside community last weekend in search of a suitable new headquarters, quickly signing a lease on a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment a short distance from the beach.

New HQ for car makers

New HQ for car makers

Larry Fiat, Fiat’s head of North America business development, has secured an apartment upstairs in the same building.

The chief executives say they look forward to becoming part of their new community once they get settled. “Come and knock on our door, we’ll be waiting for you,” Mulally said.

Santa Monica stands to benefit from additional retail activity and business taxes. Stanley Roper, the Big Three’s new landlord, was upbeat. “Newcomers are always welcome in my building. As long as there’s no funny business, if you know what I mean,” Roper said, mincing.

Roper

Roper

Altruism Takes A Holiday

March 25, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Finance, Kleptocracy 5 Comments →

Q: Why did the AIG execs return approximately 30% of the multi-million dollar payout that they got straight from taxpayers?

A: To keep their identities secret. (And here we all were thinking that they might actually feel guilty for fleecing their fellow citizens.)

(Had this thought yesterday morning, but didn’t post. Now Reuters has confirmed that enlightened self-interest apparetly rules over all.)

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