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Archive for the ‘Science’

Palin accuses Obama of pallin’ around with Martians

April 19, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Science 2 Comments →

Sarah Palin spoke out forcefully today against Barack Obama’s plan to change the direction of the U.S. space program. “The red planet is red because it’s socialist,” she said of the president’s decision to have NASA undertake a mission to Mars by the 2030s. The charge came as the former Alaska governor campaigned for Senator John McCain’s reelection bid.

Palin’s extensive knowledge of Mars was on display, telling a rally of admirers in the town of Cuello Muy Rojo, Arizona: “As governor of Alaska I could see Mars from Alaska at certain times in the evening.”

“Plus, what I remember from auditing Western Civ at one of those colleges is that Mars is the god of war. Sounds like the sort of place we shouldn’t be sending unarmed space ships,” Palin said.

Noting that another name for Mars is Ares, Palin said the President’s Mars plan is the latest in a pattern of questionable associations, which she first spoke about as McCain’s vice presidential running mate in 2008. “First he was pallin’ around with terrorists like Bill Ayers, which sounds like Ares, so Obama is probably now pallin’ around with Martian terrorists too,” she told the cheering crowd.

Palin said that if Republicans take control of Congress in the fall midterm elections, GOP leaders would seek to replace the Mars plan with one that stresses vigilance over discovery. “Unless we’re talking about discovery of illegal Martian socialists living among us — Bill Ayers — America shouldn’t be trying to go there, we should be stopping them from coming here.”

Palin took the opportunity to voice support for Arizona’s new draconian immigration law, calling the measure long overdue. “The police now have more and stronger tools to stop Draconians from landing on Earth and find the ones who are already here,” she said.

iNews Friday – Unlucky Edition, 11/13/2009

November 13, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Politics, Satire, Science 4 Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: NASA on crusade to debunk 2012 apocalypse myths
Translation: Mayans did not have Gregorian calendar converter

Headline: Ensign Leaving C Street
Translation: Found sublet on K Street

Headline: North, South Korean Ships Exchange Fire
Translation: Stop it, you’re both pretty

Headline: Karzai says he’s addressing corruption
Translation: Karzai gets new PO box for bribe money

Headline: New jihad code threatens al Qaeda
Translation: al Qaeda seeks to move HQ to right to work state

Headline: President Obama Visits Tomb Of The Unknown
Translation: Rumsfeld drops by Tomb of the Unknown Unknowns

Headline: Bart Stupak- ‘There Will Be Hell To Pay’ If My Amendment Is Removed
Translation: Owes Satan weekly interest payment

NASA honors Bachmann

July 27, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Environment, Humor, Politics, Satire, Science No Comments →

NASA announced today it is bestowing its highest civilian honor upon Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) in recognition of the assistance she gave the International Space Station (ISS) over the weekend.

The conservative lawmaker beamed with pride as flight director Buzz Frandle presented her with the award, the Space Cadet certificate, and pinned a pair of plastic wings on her lapel.

“On Saturday, astronauts reported a warning light on the U.S. module’s carbon dioxide removal system,” Frandle said, reading from the official proclamation.

“Under our engineering and science-based operating protocols, the system needed to be repaired or a dangerous build up of CO2 would occur,” Frandle said.

“We received a call from Rep. Bachmann, who told us our protocols are invalid because carbon dioxide is a natural byproduct of nature. She said life can’t exist without CO2, so we shouldn’t worry about the malfunction.”

Station personnel resumed normal activites Sunday without the purification system, although according to Frandle overly cautious European, Russian, Canadian, and Japanese crew sealed themselves off from the American section, and lowered their CO2 to dangerous levels using the Russian module’s air scrubber.

However, flight engineeer Michael Barratt reports all is well in the U.S. module. “Excuse me, I’m feeling kind of woozy and need to lie down for a while,” a cheerful Barratt told Bachmann by radio.

Bachmann spoke to Barratt by radio, and congratulated him on his good work. “Pay no attention to doubts of other countries’ astronauts, you’re doing great,” she told Barratt. Bachmann went on to say she plans to introduce legislation giving U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement strict control over foreign entry to the American module.

In other news, Sarah Palin’s resignation as Governor of Alaska became effective yesterday. In a final speech in Fairbanks, Palin told Alaskans she is “excited to become John McCain’s new vice senator.”

Modern-day Icarus

July 13, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Science, Technology 8 Comments →

1998 — Construction begins on the International Space Station, the largest most complex satellite ever placed in orbit.

2010 — The ISS is completed after more than a decade of effort and upwards of a $100,000,000,000 spent during construction.

2016 — NASA preps the ISS and then ‘de-orbits’ the 330 ton space station, causing most of it to burn up in the atmosphere and the rest to crash into the Pacific Ocean.

OK…I’m all for space exploration. Those of you who have followed Ragebot (and Blognonymous before it) are aware of my fondness for the Mars Rovers, my awe over the achievements of the Cassini/Hyuegens mission. But this…! They’re going to just shut it down and burn it up? Gods! What a f*cking waste! 

Perhaps it’s time we stop spending money when we lack the commitment necessary to realizing something positive from our endeavors.

iNews Friday – Headlines From History, 8/8/2008

August 08, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Environment, Humor, Politics, Satire, Science, Society 3 Comments →

You get to drive the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator again this week, pick any or all from the list below.  This time your source material is drawn more or less randomly from the archives of a little community paper called the New York Times.

The Headlines:

1. Denies Hoover held any oil ‘concession’ (Oct. 11, 1928)

2. Tokyo ruler ousts military advisers; Cabinet is blocked (Mar. 7, 1936)

3. Chamberlain sends note to Mussolini as peace gesture (Aug. 1, 1937)

4. Excerpts of conversations between Apollo 11 and Houston ground control (Jul. 17, 1969)

5. Army overrules pollution curbs (May 3, 1970)

6. New Edsel lures crowds on road (Sept. 3, 1957)

7. The dentist McCarthy saw as a threat to security (Apr. 4, 2005)

8. Japan opened – Satisfactory result of Commodore Perry’s visit (June 13, 1854)

9. Exxon concedes it can’t contain most of oil spill (Mar. 30, 1989)

10. Bush and Rice say CIA approved uranium comment (July 11, 2003)

Genetically modified news

May 20, 2008 By: Cartledge Category: Science 5 Comments →

In a world first, scientists have extracted a gene from the extinct Tasmanian tiger and successfully inserted it into a mouse embryo. Researchers from the University of Melbourne and the University of Texas, say the technology will not lead to the cloning of an entire Tasmanian tiger, or thylacine.

tiger embyoIt seems the process isolated one gene and proved its function, sort of like pulling a segment of software and testing its function in another program. If they could find a gene for intelligence to insert into TV news people we’d really benefit.

While they are reporting that we are a step closer to ‘Jurassic Park’ many of us familiar with the thylacine story are wishing the cloning nonsense would go away. Resurrecting an example of this allegedly extinct animal, isolated from its social milieu, raises its own questions.

I say allegedly, as the areas of Tasmania where the tigers were known to exist is sufficiently large and inaccessible to still contain some of these animals. There have been sporadic reports of sightings around the edges of these wilderness rainforest areas.

The great part is that if proof is found of their continued existence it will be kept a tight secret. Humans drove the tiger to ‘extinction’ by the 1930s, and would probably be eager to finish the ob off if others were found now.

Hobbits aren’t real – really…

April 30, 2008 By: Cartledge Category: Science No Comments →

Hobbit headI’m not talking about those Tolkien critters, I know they are real. On a flight to LA we went to close to New Zealand and were infected. The rest of the decade long flight the plane’s million or so TV monitors had the little buggers running around non-stop.

The ones I mean are also called Homo floresiensis, supposedly a new species of human that died out just 12,000 years ago. Nine skeletons found on the Indonesian island of Flores, but some scientists say they aren’t a new species at all but a dwarf form of Homo sapiens with a disease such as microcephaly.

One researcher says they could be just 40 old, worn teeth, particularly on one of the molars, indicate the use of modern technology:
“I have a hypothetical explanation … a filling. I know it is shocking, but none of us looked at [the specimen] to see tooth fillings as this seemed incongruous with the purported antiquity of the specimen.”

I know scientist get a charge out of arguing these things, and probably lots of research grants. But I just have one problem; we were told at one stage these little guys lived on a diet which included rats. What kind of dentist is going to poke around the mouth of a rat eating dwarf?

A Baptist Environmental About Face

March 11, 2008 By: Kvatch Category: Environment, Religion, Satire, Science 6 Comments →

New York (f-A-ke. P.) –

Vowing never to, “…let those damned Papists get the upper hand on the environment,” leaders of the Southern Baptist Convention announced today that they had been ‘too timid’ on environmental issues and that Baptists have a biblical duty to stop global warming.

Well, I was passing under the fluorescent lights at our headquarters and the voice of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, told me that the Earth was getting a little on the hot side—even without the benefit of hell-fire and brimstone. It was then that I realized that we Baptists have a duty to save the planet.

The Reverend Horace Buefort

When asked why the Lord didn’t appear as a burning bush, Pastor Buefort responded, “Are you kidding?! A burning bush would put pounds of carbon into the atmosphere.”

Future Headlines: One Final Surge And Then We’re Done

February 13, 2008 By: Kvatch Category: Satire, Science 9 Comments →

ESA ANNOUNCES: TITAN’S SURFACE ORGANICS SURPASS OIL RESERVES ON EARTH

BUSH ADMINISTRATION INSISTS TITAN GIVE UP ITS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

U.S. MILITARY BEGINS OPERATION ‘LONG-ARM-O-THE-LAW’, MOBILIZES FOR PLANETARY INVASION

HALLIBURTON MOVES CORPORATE H.Q. TO MARS, CITES READINESS TO SUPPORT THE TROOPS

HUGO CHAVEZ CLAIMS TITAN NOT ELIGIBLE FOR OPEC MEMBERSHIP

SEN. HILLARY CLINTON VOTES FOR INVASION THEN CLAIMS SHE MADE A MISTAKE

SEN. BARACK OBAMA CLAIMS WE SHOULD INVADE THEN VOTES AGAINST IT

SEN. JOHN MCCAIN INSISTS U.S. INVADE EVERY ‘OIL RICH’ PLANET IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM

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