Impure thoughts
for complex times.


Archive for the ‘Environment’

Don’t Mess With Texas

March 23, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Environment, Health, Texas 16 Comments →

This is a telling little graphic.  It shows the relative levels of industrial mercury emissions in the United States.  Notice how the scale stops at 6,000 Lbs/year…with one exception:  The Lone Star State—a state that needs a category all its own to cover the mind boggling 11,722 Lbs of mercury it dumps into the environment; an amount almost double that of the next highest polluter; per-capita, 178 times more mercury than California manages to produce.

One wonders if Texas’ prick of a Governor, Rick Perry, is proud of this little statistic.  On more than one occasion, he has trumpeted Texas’ disregard for existing, and opposition to new, federal pollution control regulations.

So don’t mess with Texas, or state officials will come to your home and dump your share of toxic mercury right on your front lawn.

Bayh unretires – Was “counting on my wife’s cut of the Anthem rate hike”

February 22, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: DINOs, Environment, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

Senator Evan Bayh today reversed his week-old decision to retire from the U.S. Senate, citing economic reasons.

The two-term Indiana lawmaker told a Washington DC press conference he was forced to unretire after his wife learned Anthem Blue Cross of California is delaying a planned 39% hike in subscriber premiums. Susan Bayh is a board member of Indiana-based WellPoint, Anthem’s parent company.

“I was counting on my wife’s cut of the Anthem rate hike, that was going to be our retirement nest egg,” said Bayh.

Growing reflective, Bayh wondered aloud about the future of the American status quo. “I worked hard this past year making sure nothing happened with health care reform, for this?” he asked.

“It used to be in this country that a man born to wealth and power could use that position, and his cozy connections, to get even further ahead,” he said.

“Instead, I’m going to have to do like many Americans who have lost their retirement savings in the recession, and keep working. It makes you want to give up on the institution of Congress. Almost,” Bayh said.

In other news, the Obama administration announced nuclear power as the new centerpiece of its environment and energy efficiency policies. “America’s energy future won’t just be green, it will glow green thanks to new, totally safe-ish nuclear plants,” Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said.

iNews Friday, 1/8/2010

January 08, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Environment, Humor, Media, Politics, Religion, Satire, Society, Sports No Comments →

A sampling of recent output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Pacquiao Says He Plans to Sue for Defamation
Translation: Also suing for mispronunciation

Headline: Nestle rebuked by the FDA for misleading labeling
Translation: Must now be pronounced ‘nessel’

Headline: Tiger Woods gets the Annie Leibovitz treatment for Vanity Fair
Translation: Woods repossessed by Liebovitz’s creditors

Headline: Quist – Beating Dems Bigger Than Fighting Terrorists
Translation: Quist delivers 3 hour speech in German

Headline: Accused Holocaust shooter Von Brunn dies in prison hospital
Translation: Never realized dream of dying in Spandau

Headline: Dodd, Dorgan will not seek reelection
Translation: Wrong Connecticut, North Dakota senators retire

Headline: EPA tightens smog standards
Translation: Limbaugh may only eat refried beans Tuesdays, Thursdays and alternate Saturdays

Headline: The Nexus One’s Seduction Secret
Translation: Best. Vibrate. Setting. Ever.
Translation (Turbo mode): Huge growth projected in cellphone sanitizer jobs

Headline: NJ Senate defeats gay marriage bill
Translation: Vote was 14 Aayy, 20 Fuggedaboutit

iNews Friday, 12/11/2009

December 11, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Environment, Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: ‘NOVA’ looks at Japanese midget sub in Pearl Harbor attack
Translation: Palin demands Vern Troyer’s birth certificate

Headline: Missing DNA linked to childhood obesity
Translation: Still no solution to missing Fritos mystery

Headline: Reid Compares Opponents of Health Care Reform to Supporters of Slavery
Translation: And that was a compliment

Headline: Christian group vs. Hastings – court to decide
Translation: Teabaggers demand William The Conqueror’s birth certificate

Headline: Palin to make time for Freedom Club in Minnesota
Translation: Palin makes time to club truth over the head

Headline: Bachmann and Palin each claim a rotunda
Translation: Bachmann and Palin cancel each other out in flash of crazy

Headline: Greenhouse Gases Imperil Health, EPA Announces
Translation: Disco is dead, EPA also announces

Headline: Democrats reach deal on health plan
Translation: Horse Committee reaches deal on camel design

Headline: Study Shows Casual Sex Not Damaging for Mental Health
Translation: Study key in Mark Sanford getting off in the Legislature. So to speak.


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NASA honors Bachmann

July 27, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Environment, Humor, Politics, Satire, Science No Comments →

NASA announced today it is bestowing its highest civilian honor upon Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) in recognition of the assistance she gave the International Space Station (ISS) over the weekend.

The conservative lawmaker beamed with pride as flight director Buzz Frandle presented her with the award, the Space Cadet certificate, and pinned a pair of plastic wings on her lapel.

“On Saturday, astronauts reported a warning light on the U.S. module’s carbon dioxide removal system,” Frandle said, reading from the official proclamation.

“Under our engineering and science-based operating protocols, the system needed to be repaired or a dangerous build up of CO2 would occur,” Frandle said.

“We received a call from Rep. Bachmann, who told us our protocols are invalid because carbon dioxide is a natural byproduct of nature. She said life can’t exist without CO2, so we shouldn’t worry about the malfunction.”

Station personnel resumed normal activites Sunday without the purification system, although according to Frandle overly cautious European, Russian, Canadian, and Japanese crew sealed themselves off from the American section, and lowered their CO2 to dangerous levels using the Russian module’s air scrubber.

However, flight engineeer Michael Barratt reports all is well in the U.S. module. “Excuse me, I’m feeling kind of woozy and need to lie down for a while,” a cheerful Barratt told Bachmann by radio.

Bachmann spoke to Barratt by radio, and congratulated him on his good work. “Pay no attention to doubts of other countries’ astronauts, you’re doing great,” she told Barratt. Bachmann went on to say she plans to introduce legislation giving U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement strict control over foreign entry to the American module.

In other news, Sarah Palin’s resignation as Governor of Alaska became effective yesterday. In a final speech in Fairbanks, Palin told Alaskans she is “excited to become John McCain’s new vice senator.”

iNews Friday on Thursday, 7/2/2009

July 02, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Environment, Humor, Politics, Rights, Satire, Society 2 Comments →

From the iNews9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Girl’s strip search ruled unconstitutional
Translation: Thomas was dissenting vote – I can’t make this stuff up

Headline: Apple Bans ‘Hottest Girls’ iPhone App
Translation: Apple working on something ‘even hotter than girls’, sources say

Headline: God, Firearms and America Come Together at a Church in Kentucky
Translation: God calls in airstrike on 4998 Valley Station Rd, Louisville

Headline: House Approves Climate Change Bill
Translation: GOP amendment bans warm climate on House floor

Headline: Madoff sentenced to 150 years
Translation: Madoff loses 149 years in massive Ponzi scheme

Headline: Interior Sec. Proposes Solar Energy Zones
Translation: Seattle site is next to shirtless men on first sunny spring day

Headline: Seattle parade marries pride and politics
Translation: Fundamentalist ministers file initiative to outlaw it
Translation (Turbo mode): “Threat to traditional embarrassing politics,” says James Dobson

Headline: White firefighters were victims of discrimination, Supreme Court rules
Translation: Justice Thomas supports preferences – “Brothers all know whites have trouble passing tests”

Headline: Climate bill goes to Senate
Translation: Inhofe offers alternate bill – Would tap Canada as national US air conditioner

Headline: Franken declared winner, giving Democrats 60 Senate seats
Translation: “But we need at least 61 for bi-partisanship,” Reid says

Headline: Pawlenty Signs Election Certificate
Translation: Mrs. Sanford cancels erection certificate

Headline: Palin – I’d come out ahead in run against Obama
Translation: Perez Hilton – Swimsuit competition would be a draw

Headline: …Sanford Admits He “Crossed Line” with Other Women
Translation: North Korea warns US not to cross outer labia

Headline: Call for Sanford resignation grows louder in South Carolina
Translation: Mrs. Sanford purchases bullhorn

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Lead By Example

April 20, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: California, Environment, Transportation 8 Comments →

We should all—well…at least…all of us who can—be considering whether or not we really need a car.

Some mayors tool around in Priuses and hybrid Civics. But Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates has taken green transit a step further. No more cars for him, at all.

—  SF Gate – 20 April 2009

Mayor Bates traded in his Volvo for an AC Transit pass and a sturdy pair of walking shoes, and he’s 71 years old for God’s sake!

What’s your excuse?

iNews Friday, 4/3/2009

April 03, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Environment, Humor, International, Politics, Satire No Comments →

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: EPA to monitor air around 62 schools
Translation: They who monitor it, dealt it

Headline: Democrats Unveil Ambitious Global Warming Bill
Translation: 15% tip for major polluting industries is automatically added to your bill

Headline: Daley warms to the idea of letting KFC fix city’s potholes
Translation: Extra crispy coating cheaper than asphalt, lasts longer – BBQ style automatically de-ices streets in winter

Headline: Workers angry about job cuts hold managers hostage at French Caterpillar factory
Translation: Standoff ends when workers transform into butterflies

Headline: Minn. Judges Limit Recount In Senate Race
Translation: Oh three-judge panel, where have you been the last four months?

Headline: Enviros, plastic industry ready to battle over bag fee
Translation: Plastic lobbyists arrive in Seattle

Headline: Promises of “Fresh Start” for US-Russia Relations
Translation: “Nice ‘n’ Soft” Pact is off, Cuddles won’t be next Russian bear – Daniel Craig on short list?

Headline: A Rare Triumph of Substance at the Summit
Translation: “I coulda done that. I just chose not to,” Bush says

Headline: Novo Nordisk Still Committed To Liraglutide Launch
Translation: New prescription version of Astroglide to hit market, will ease insertion of insurance rate hikes

OUR ALIEN OVERLORDS CANCEL EARTH MONTH – Humans will adapt to conserve environment of planet Xerkon VI

April 01, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Economics, Environment, Humor, Politics, Satire 5 Comments →

Saying environmental damage by the human race is too big to overcome, our alien overlords from Xerkon VI have made the decision to declare Earth a total loss, the Xerkonian Embassy In Orbit announced today.

A $100 trillion environmental bailout package that had been expected to be rolled out today has instead been canceled, along with the human “Earth Month” ecosystem cleanup and restoration events planned for April. (more…)

We aim to please…

January 03, 2009 By: Cartledge Category: Environment, International, Society 5 Comments →

It is the silly season, the season of lists, my favourite being: 2008: The year in ideas from Britain’s Independent – or more precisely an item therein; Don’t push, nudge.

We aim to please - you aim too please!

We aim to please - you aim too please!

For libertarians [progressives?], government brings a tricky problem: how do you make people do what you want them to if you don’t believe in bossing them around?

Authors Thaler and Sunstein call their notion “libertarian paternalism” – convincing the populace to change their ways without them realising they’re doing it.

I guess next year they will invent the wheel, but never mind I was more concerned about their inspiration: The Dutch decided you can’t ban men from peeing on the bathroom floor so they painted flies on the urinals as targets. The result was improved accuracy, and cutting down on spillages, by 80 per cent.

I should point out to our amphibian contributors, yes these are insects of the Order Diptera – yum! I should also say that sometimes I’m just plain embarrassed at being a bloke… Still, with a bit of thought on variants of this social engineering we might find a useful solution to Australia’s troublesome insect population.

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