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Archive for the ‘International’

Palin advocates for Greek tax avoidance system

May 11, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Economics, Finance, Humor, International, Politics, Satire 1 Comment →

Saying the birthplace of western civilization still has much to teach us, Sarah Palin today called on America to adopt Greece’s popular tax avoidance system.

“Everyone likes lower taxes, and it doesn’t get much lower than zero,” said the former Alaska governor.

Palin’s remarks came in the wake of a May 1 International Herald Tribune report that as many as 95% of Greeks underreport their income, or evade taxes entirely.

“Ancient Greece invented many things that are American as apple pie today, such as the Olympics, Grecian Formula and sodomy. We can still learn from them too, because the average U.S. taxpayer is lagging way behind in tax avoiding also,” she said.

Palin described how the Greek system can help achieve an important Republican goal: “As well, the Greece system creates a nation-wide tax protest. People not paying their taxes is a threat to big government. Big government has to cut programs, the people are in the streets risin’ up, and I applaud them.”

“Anyone who wants to be inspired by patriotic Americans need look no further than courageous Greece peoples,” she added.

Most of all, Palin stressed that wider tax avoidance would bring much-needed fairness to the U.S. tax system. “Tax avoidance shouldn’t just be for corporations and the richest one percent,” she declared.

Ultraviolent Mexican drug cartel to close health insurance division

April 12, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, International, Politics, Satire 1 Comment →

A ruthless and violent Mexican drug cartel has been driven out of the United States, a spokesman for the criminal organization said today.

In an exclusive phone interview with CNN, the spokesman, identifying himself only as “Caballero Uno,” announced the cartel known as La Organizacion has decided to cease operations of Meditrolex Insurance, a Connecticut company specializing in the individual health insurance market.

An estimated 2,500 Meditrolex bosses, underbosses, enforcers, and claims reviewers will lose their jobs.

Caballero Uno said the decision to shutter Meditrolex “is because of American socialism.”

“We decided to invest in America because we thought it was a good place to do business,” said Caballero Uno. “And we prospered. We lived the American dream, jacking up insurance rates 20, 30, even 39% in a year, then refusing to pay.”

“But now your Comrade Obama has ended free market capitalism. He is going to make us post our balance sheet online, and spend at least 85% on patient care instead of mistresses, yachts, firepower, and executive bonuses,” he said.

“Obamacare also interferes in the most fundamental nature of our business — telling us we can’t cut off people we think are bad risks. Well it’s just unacceptable, we’re pulling out and heading back to Mexico to focus on our core business,” Caballero Uno said.

Republicans seized on today’s news as proof the new national health overhaul is bad for the economy. “It’s a narco-jobs killer,” declared a visibly emotional Congressman John Boehner, the House minority leader.

Boehner said he plans to press La Organizacion to stay in the U.S., and intends to travel to Mexico for talks. “I hear they have excellent tanning there,” Boehner said.

“I’m the only one who gets to be called that” – Bush sues France over use of ‘National Disaster’

March 01, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Politics, Satire 6 Comments →

George W. Bush has sued France, attorneys for the former President disclosed today.

Papers filed with the International Small Claims Court at The Hague state that France’s declaration of a “national disaster” in the wake of storms that severely lashed the country’s Atlantic coast infringes on a Bush trademark. The filing states France should not be allowed to use the term because it did not wait five days before sending government assistance, that assistance is being correctly and efficiently distributed, and private contractors are not involved.

“I’m the only one who gets to be called that, even in French,” Bush told his official biographer James Frey.

“As soon as I heard (French President) Sarkozy had declared a national disaster, I told my lawyers to jump on it,” said Bush, who is on a motivational speaking tour of Haiti.

“See, I’m what you call synombulous with that term — in other words, I am synombulous with it. Same as how there are a lot of different facial tissues, but everyone calls all of them Kleenex,” he said.

An emergency brief filed with the court by France’s attorney general offered to have Sarkozy fly in his plane over the affected region and look concernedly out the window.

However, a spokesman for Bush said it would be sufficient if the storm, currently named Xynthia, were renamed George.

Rebranding the Iraqi war won’t make it any more popular

February 19, 2010 By: Frogette Category: Commentary, International, Snark, War 10 Comments →

The Obama Administration has just announced that since it can find no exit strategy for the war in Iraq it’s doing the next best thing, rebranding.  Yup, like Comcast-Xfinity, Operation Iraqi Freedom will now be know as Operation New Dawn.  Operation New Dawn, doesn’t it just give you a warm fuzzy?  It’s apparently set to coincide with the drawdown of troops in Iraq (I’ll hold my breath).  Military families are up in arms about the Admistration’s attempt to end a war by simply changing it’s name.  Oh and did I mention that Operation New Dawn is how the Iraqis referred to the 2004 battle for Falluja?  I don’t think they’re going to be happy when they get this memo.

iNews Friday, 2/12/2010

February 12, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Media, Politics, Satire 3 Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Edwards’ mistress seeks return of alleged sex tape
Translation: Edwards fined $1 rewind charge

Headline: Tea Party supporters grapple for a vision
Translation: Myopia, tunnel vision make it hard to focus

Headline:

Translation: How a teabagger texts
Headline: ‘Mein Kampf’ to see its first post-WWII publication in Germany
Translation: Under new title–
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Headline: US rejects EU diplomacy over Iran N program
Translation: Lieberman and Kerry, sittin’ in a tree

Headline: John Mayer Says “My dick is a white supremicist”
Translation: Mayer’s dick to perform at next Tea Party convention

Headline: Rahm Emanuel “apologizes” to Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live
Translation: SNL enters its Regulatory Capture phase

Headline: Nigeria’s New Acting President Calls for Unity
Translation: And your kind help in releasing funds from a bank account

Headline: Obama’s rocky relationship with the Republicans
Translation: Note to POTUS- do NOT forget Valentine’s Day

Headline: Comcast to become XFinity‎
Translation: Cable bills continue climb toward infinity

Headline: Senators Advance Bipartisan Jobs Bill
Translation: McConnell opposes jobs for Democrats

Headline: Designer Alexander McQueen found dead
Translation: Kate Moss – “but I have nothing to wear to Haiti benefit”

Headline: China urges U.S. to cancel Obama-Dalai Lama meeting
Translation: “…or your account will be sent to collection”

Headline: Mandela makes appearance
Translation
: 6 more weeks of Jacob Zuma administration

Headline: Senators Strike Bipartisan Deal on Job Creation
Translation: Expected to pass on party line vote

GOP split on health care — Bachmann: we didn’t nuke Japan enough – Palin: we nuked them the right amount

February 03, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, History, Humor, International, Politics, Satire 9 Comments →

A congresswoman’s remarks on Japan’s health care system this week have unexpectedly resulted in a disagreement between two of the Republican Party’s leading personalities.

It all began Tuesday when Rep. Michele Bachmann, addressing home state supporters in Rochester, Minnesota, warned that Democratic health proposals would lead to limits on Americans’ free speech. A government-controlled health plan, she said, would allow the government to threaten its critics by denying them health care.

Bachmann pointed to Japan as an illustration of what happens when the government takes over health care. “You know those old Japanese soldiers who hid in the jungles and didn’t know World War II was over until decades later?” she asked.

“Well what they were hiding from was the government health care system, forced down their throats after the war by that well-known pinko General Douglas MacArthur,” Bachmann said.

Bachmann reminded her audience that the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were a preemptive action meant to prevent post-war socialism. “Obviously we didn’t nuke them enough,” she said.

Those comments did not sit well with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The rising GOP star and Fox News commentator questioned Bachmann’s version of history, telling viewers Tuesday night, “I’ve seen M*A*S*H? So I think I’m on on firm ground by pointing out MacArthur was a Korean general, not Japanese?”

Continued Palin: “And not only that, but if you don’t mind me saying so also, the nuking was needed to rouse Godzilla from his slumbering on the ocean floor.”

“Thereto, the three times we nuked Japan was exactly the right amount,” Palin said.

However, in a retort issued through her press office, the Minnesota lawmaker stood by her evaluation that Japan had not been nuked enough. “If all of Japan had been incinerated, it would have saved them from being enslaved by socialist government health care,” Bachmann said.

Send in the clowns

January 20, 2010 By: Frogette Category: International, Protest, Snark 3 Comments →

Bush on Lessons from Previous Disasters: Don’t Set Expectations Too High
This was an actual headline over at ABCNews.com this week.  I’m sure the Haitians, who’ve just suffered a 6.1 aftershock today, will be delighted to hear that our former President is riding to their aid.  To be fair to the Demander in Chief that’s not exactly what W said.  Still remembering how he handled Hurricane Katrina it does sound like him doesn’t it?  Set the bar low, story of George W. Bush’s life.  How sad that he’s even involved in the Haiti mission.  Frankly I’d have preferred to keep the Bush, Sr./Clinton tag team intact.  I mean what’s W going to do ship ’em beer and pretzels?  Time for you to retire from public life buddy and just go away.

Insurance industry hospital ship to Haiti – S.S. Hopeless will serve rich quake victims

January 19, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, International, Politics, Satire 3 Comments →

More aid from the U.S. arrived in Haiti today as the insurance industry’s hospital ship S.S. Hopeless sailed into Port-Au-Prince harbor, on a mission to bring much needed medical relief to rich survivors of the 7.0 earthquake that struck the country January 12.

The Hopeless had steamed at top speed from the Bahamas, where it waited for six days while Haiti’s paperwork was being processed.

“We are here to bring the world’s best health care system to the Haitian elite,” explained Julie McCoy, the Hopeless’s cruise director.

“Medical care for poor quake victims is being provided by emergency public options funded by the world’s governments and nonprofits, so the industry role is to offer a standard of care and service to Haitians willing to pay the free-market price,” McCoy said.

The Hopeless is a 32,000 ton Connecticut-registered vessel, recognized around the world by the familiar green dollar sign painted on its side. It carries 500 private rooms, a galley staffed by six cordon bleu chefs, 12 operating suites for elective surgery, 20 magnetic resonance imaging scanners, a claims department, a Wal-Mart pharmacy, and an IMAX theater currently showing Avatar.

The Hopeless is suspending many of its normal policies due to the urgent nature of the Haiti situation. Plate tectonics won’t be treated as a preexisting condition, and patients will be able to add domestic servants to their policies at a rate of 30% of full premium instead of 50%.

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S.S. Hopeless

In other news, surging GOP Massachusetts senate candidate Scott Brown brought in help yesterday to put his effort over the top. The former male centerfold’s office announced that Jeff Gannon and Levi Johnston were flown in to help campaign for Brown on the final day of his race against Democrat Martha Coakley. “The male centerfold aficionado voting bloc is going to put us over the top,” said a spokesman.

ERITAS and Wiseline Institute and Center for The Secular Humorism celebrates its 300th post on Ragebot

iNews Friday, 1/15/2010

January 15, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Law, Media, Politics, Religion, Satire No Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Steele- Reid should step down from leadership role for ‘Negro’ remark
Translation: “Let GOP handle the Negro remarks”

Headline: Sarah Palin takes Fox News commentator job
Translation: In anticipation Bill O’Reilly places large falafel order

Headline: Scalia sides with sex offenders against federal law
Translation: Thomas prefers Jenna Jameson to Sasha Grey

Headline: White House nears deal on health care
Translation: Don’t. Get. The undercoating

Headline: Pat Robertson says Satanic pact caused Haiti quake
Translation: Robertson also says small gnome stole his carkeys

Headline: State weighs giving up control over tuition hikes
Translation: Colleges could adopt Comcast billing model

Headline: Rightwingers fail to dent US donation surge
Translation: GOP introduces resolution to rename Haiti ‘Katrina’

Headline: ‘Pants on the ground!’
Translation: Belt industry launches awareness campaign

 

Robertson, Limbaugh sweep Demons Choice Awards

January 14, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Media, Politics, Religion, Satire 8 Comments →

(Westmost, NC) Conservative media personalities were the big winners at yesterday’s Demons Choice Awards, the evil industry’s annual gala held at the Dukes of Hazzard Theater in downtown Westmost.

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh won three awards and television evangelist and Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson took home four of the coveted Demons Choice statuettes, the depleted uranium winged lizard with fangs stained with real human blood.

Limbaugh’s politicization of Haiti disaster relief brought him victories in the categories of Satan’s Favorite Handmaiden, Most Likely To Share Hitler’s Dorm Room In Hell, and “The Severed Ear” — which goes to the past year’s highest-rated radio program in Hades.

While Limbaugh won because of his Haiti work, it was Robertson who took repugnance to the next level by falsely blaming God for the Haiti earthquake and deaths of thousands. The Virginia Beach, VA, televangelist won Favorite Hound Of Hell, Most Admired Incubus, and the ceremony’s most coveted award, Spiked Phallus of The Year.

Robertson was also given a fourth honor, the Rev. Jim Jones Lifetime Achievement Award.

Backstage after the ceremony, Robertson flashed a fanged smile for photographers while cradling his radioactive statuettes. However, Robertson’s image failed to register in any of the photos.

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