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Archive for the ‘War’

Separate but Equal

March 02, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Humor, War 7 Comments →

The Navy is about to lift its decades old ban on women serving aboard submarines. Now…setting aside the obviously charged issue of equality for the members of our armed forces, I have the nagging sense that men and women serving together in the closed environment of a submarine is still a bad idea, and I’d like to put forward a modest proposal to deal with the issue.

Why not just have men’s and women’s subs? I’m saying split the fleet right down the middle and avoid all of the problems. In doing so, situations like these will almost certainly be avoided:

You want me to sleep in that nasty bunk without even fresh sheets? I don’t THINK so!

The seat’s up again!

I’m going to need at least 10 more square feet of closet space.

‘Shit-on-a-shingle’? Couldn’t I just have a salad…with the dressing on the side?

What do you mean, ‘…make a hole’? [SMACK!]

Cruise missiles? Couldn’t we just talk it over?

Seriously, we could have women crew the ‘boomers’ and men crew the attack subs. Thus women would have the keys to the really big bombs (not to mention larger quarters); men would spend all their time hunting the women; and war would effectively end. Simplicity itself!

Brita filters & black pepper

March 02, 2010 By: Frogette Category: Commentary, Economics, Humor, War 7 Comments →

Dr. Faber (a.k.a. “Dr. Doom”) spoke at a investment conference in Tokyo last week and warned his audience to stock up on farmland and gold in preparation for the next “dirty” war.  In his keynote speech at the Annual Investment Forum he suggested to pension fund managers and investment bankers that their cell phones would cease working, the Internet would shut down and water sources would be poisoned during this upcoming war.  His advice?  Move out to the countryside (apparently cell phones and Internet will work there…), and take gold since you can carry it.  I don’t know about you, but carrying gold sounds like a ridiculous prospect.  The Frog and I discussed it and decided instead we’d stock up on Black Pepper and Brita filters and ride out the upcoming Apocalypse.

Rebranding the Iraqi war won’t make it any more popular

February 19, 2010 By: Frogette Category: Commentary, International, Snark, War 10 Comments →

The Obama Administration has just announced that since it can find no exit strategy for the war in Iraq it’s doing the next best thing, rebranding.  Yup, like Comcast-Xfinity, Operation Iraqi Freedom will now be know as Operation New Dawn.  Operation New Dawn, doesn’t it just give you a warm fuzzy?  It’s apparently set to coincide with the drawdown of troops in Iraq (I’ll hold my breath).  Military families are up in arms about the Admistration’s attempt to end a war by simply changing it’s name.  Oh and did I mention that Operation New Dawn is how the Iraqis referred to the 2004 battle for Falluja?  I don’t think they’re going to be happy when they get this memo.

Time magazine declares 00’s the “Decade from Hell”

November 28, 2009 By: Frogette Category: Economics, Society, War 7 Comments →

My first thought was, “Somebody lost big in the Market”, then I read the article and realized it’s been a hell of a past 9 years.  Here are some of the highlights:

–  Y2K:  We waited, we stockpiled and in the end it all amounted a hill of beans

–  Tech bubble bursts:  Thousands lose their jobs

–  9/11:  The worst day ever.  Period.

–  Afghanistan:  We attack, we declare victory, we are still there.

–  Iraq: See Afghanistan…

–  Asian Tsunami, Hurricane Katrina, Chinese earthquake: It’s like a 1970’s disaster movie on endless loop

–  George Bush:  He alone could get the decade declared the Decade from Hell

–  Housing bubble bursts:  Foreclosures, market meltdowns, Madoff

The big question here is, “Will the next decade be better?”  In American history if one decade is bad then next is usually good.  Typical cycle of win and lose.  I wonder though if we’ve finally come to the end of the line.  What do you think?

Cheney – Norway seeking long-range award launch capability

October 13, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Peace, Politics, Satire, War 2 Comments →

Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney gave the White House some free foreign policy advice today, warning of a grave new threat to non-peace.

In his first public comments since the Nobel Peace Prize attack of October 9, Cheney said he had informed President Obama that Norway constituted a clear and present danger to America.

“Norway has become the number one threat to the status quo of fear and the war mentality,” said Cheney.

“I warned everyone this would happen if they elected Obama,” he added.

Cheney said the northern European Islamic group al-Nobel has been behind many cases of peace recognition around the world. Now, he says, the 10/9 attack may be just the first in a new wave of peace.

“My secret intelligence source, Blue Ball, says the five-member al-Nobel cell in Oslo has taken control of the Norwegian government,” explained Cheney.

“Even now they are trying to develop a long-range award launch capability. At present, Peace Prize winners must journey to Oslo to accept the award. But a long-range system would let them deliver Peace Prizes anywhere in the homeland,” Cheney said.

A senior former Defense Department official who requested anonymity confirmed Cheney’s information. “Heavens to Betsy, the fact we can’t see any evidence of a long-range al-Nobel capability means it must employ stealth technology,” the source said.

For his part, Cheney is resolute in his desire to alert Americans to the growing Norwegian threat. “We have to attack them now, before we get Peace Prized again.”

Forever War

June 24, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: International, Politics, War 2 Comments →

God willing, the nuclear weapons will not fall into the hands of the Americans and the mujahideen would take them and use them against the Americans.

Mustafa Abu al-Yazid — Leader of al Qaeda in Afghanistan

Doesn’t matter whether or not he means it; doesn’t matter whether or not al Qaeda’s Taliban allies are actually able to destabilize Pakistan to the point where the government falls; arguments about spending non-existent dollars at home or abroad are irrelevant. This is the kind of nonsense that will keep US troops in Afghanistan for the next 50 years, and so far the ‘President of Change’ hasn’t shown an ounce of backbone with respect to ending the crippling wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Opposition to bringing detainees to U.S. – Domestic terrorists against cheap imports

June 09, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Economics, Humor, Politics, Religion, Rights, Satire, War No Comments →

A leading interest group today announced its opposition to President Obama’s plan to bring suspected terrorists housed at Guantanamo Bay to the U.S. for trial.

The group, Theocracy Economics for America – Buy A Gun (T.E.A.-B.A.G.), said bringing detainees to U.S. soil threatens the livelihoods of domestic terrorists.

Riley C. O’Yote, spokesperson for T.E.A.-B.A.G. charged that the White House wants to import cheap, knock off terrorists purchased in the mideast for only $500 each.

“If imported terrorists are allowed to come in and take those jobs, homegrown terrorists might have to leave the non-conspiracy sector and resort to getting educations in dead-end fields like engineering, teaching and software development,” said O’Yote.

O’Yote said he can’t understand why the Obama Administration is bringing foreign insurgents to the U.S., when the focus of economic recovery should be on protecting existing jobs in careers such as militiamen, anti-choice snipers, Klan wannabes, and FOX News commentators.

“If American abortion doctors, women’s clinics, government facilities and infrastructure are going to be threatened, those threats should be issued by American terrorists, earning a living wage,” he said.

Some conservative economists agree with the T.E.A.-B.A.G. argument against imported terrorists. Wayne L. Saltpeter, who studies the ammunition futures market, says the homegrown terror sector needs protection. “This is the one growth industry we have, since the demise of the securitized mortgage bundle.”

“I think people forget that for every Planned Parenthood office, there’s a picket line struggling to meet basic expenses. Full-color posters of aborted fetuses aren’t cheap at Kinko’s,” Saltpeter added.

Saltpeter also touted the enormous economic ripple effect of terror, in sales of ammunition, freeze dried food, and teabags.

However, other conservative experts counter that it is difficult to design a pro-nutjob policy, because the value of the sector is hard to quantify.

“No one really know how much domestic whackos earn, as they don’t file tax returns with the IRS,” says Dr. Hilton Graybar, Endowed Fellow of Penal Studies at the Richard B. Cheney Institute for Penitentary Entrepreneurship.

“It’s probably more than $500, but how much more? Who can say,” Graybar said.

Graybar says the U.S. prison industry would benefit from the Obama policy, due to a high vacancy rate in private prisons. “There was a lot of overconstruction during 2001 through 2008, resulting in the current high vacancy rate,” he said, therefore imported detainees would be an immediate shot in the arm for the prison investment market.

Rumsfeld on waterboarding – US was keeping detainees well-hydrated

June 04, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, War 6 Comments →

In a surprising break with other former Bush Administration officials, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said today that waterboarding was not used to torture prisoners at the US facility at Guantanamo Bay.

“Our critics have it totally wrong. My stars, waterboarding would be illegal. The way we put pressure on terror suspects was to deny them water. See? Totally different,” the former Pentagon chief told reporters.

Rumsfeld’s startling assertion is at odds with statements by former vice president Dick Cheney, former attorney general Michael Mukasey, former CIA director Michael Hayden, and others, all who have admitted that waterboarding was used at the Guantanamo facility.

Moreover, they say Justice Department memos made waterboarding legal, classifying the practice as ‘enhanced interrogation.’

But Rumsfeld said such legal distinctions are not necessary. “We used waterboarding to keep prisoners well-hydrated after depriving them of drinking water, and not as an enhanced interrogation technique.”

“The result isn’t torture, it’s thirst. Harmless. Good heavens, I get thirsty every day,” said Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld demanded release of a 2003 Justice Department memo that established a legal dehydration policy. “It says that if you don’t let someone have water, they’re going to get dehydrated. There was an entire appendix devoted to celebrity dehydration, like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse.”

“So after days of deprivation but before the point of dehydration, we would give the detainees water. A lot of water. Cheese and biscuits, one time we rehydrated Kaleed Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in a month,” Rumsfeld said.

Rumsfeld denied Amnesty International accusations that this is really waterboarding in disguise, calling the organization misinformed.

“When they get this water, are they lying on a board? Sure. With a cloth over their faces? Could be. But Sweet Betsy, if that’s illegal you can go right ahead and make Perrier, lumber yards, and Jo-Ann Fabrics illegal too,” he said.

Somali pirate is judged – Musi impresses Simon Callow with song from Penzance

April 21, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Entertainment, Humor, International, War 4 Comments →

Taking a page from the Cinderella story of aspiring British singer Susan Boyle, Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi is winning acclaim Tuesday for his performance of a song from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance.

Musi, 18 or possibly 16, was in New York today for arraignment on charges stemming from his alleged role in the hostage-taking of American merchant ship captain Richard Phillips.

Attired in a blue jumpsuit and chains, Musi was smiling but clearly nervous as he was brought before federal magistrate Andrew J. Peck. The thin outlaw’s unlikely appearance drew snickers, smirks and eyerolls from spectators in the courtroom.

But a thrill ran through the crowd when Musi delivered the opening phrase of “Oh Better Far To Live and Die (Pirate King)” — “Oh, better far to live and die / Under the brave black flag I fly.” Musi held his listeners spellbound until he reached the conclusion of the song, when they erupted into cheers.

Internationally known talent judge Simon Callow was among the onlookers, and called Musi “a tiger”

“I knew the minute he walked up to the defense table we were going to hear something extraordinary, and I was right,” Callow said.

Bernice Frandle, a stay at home mother from Fort Lee, New Jersey, was also in court. She called Musi “inspiring.”

“I feel so bad about pre-judging him based on his appearance. He’s a pirate, but he’s a pirate who’s got talent,” Frandle said.

The YouTube video of Musi’s performance has been viewed more than 1.7 million times. Musi now moves on to the next round, going up against accused Craigslist killer Phillip Markoff.

Conservatives rattled when saber stays sheathed

April 13, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Politics, Satire, War 1 Comment →

Armchair diplomats across America were disappointed yesterday, when the official Saber Of The United States was not used in the rescue of ship Captain Richard Phillips. Phillips, held hostage by Somali pirates for five days following a failed attempt to seize his ship the Maersk Alabama, was rescued by U.S. Navy SEALS in a lightning operation Sunday.

“It was the most boring match-up I’ve ever seen,” said nationally syndicated talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who had been promoting the event as Sooper Dooper Sunday. (more…)

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