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Notes from the transition – Diff’rent strokes on the economy

December 18, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Elections, Entertainment, Humor, International, Media, Politics, Satire, Society, Sports No Comments →

The election of Barack Obama means change is coming. But what kind of change? In this series we check in with individuals and communities across America, and ask them: What has already changed since November 4? What changes are you still looking forward to, and how are you getting ready?

Part 3 in a series

Was first Cylon to gain U.S. citizenship

Coleman was first Cylon to gain U.S. citizenship

(Washington, DC) Laurie Coleman says she and her husband Norm feel very lucky despite the economic downturn. The couple didn’t have anything invested in the stock market, she explains. Instead they rely on the goodwill of friends and friends of friends. “Checks just show up in the mailbox, we’re ever so grateful,” she said.
      At the moment Coleman’s attention is devoted to what she’ll get her husband for Christmas. But it’s a challenge — “It’s not like he really needs anything. He has people who give him suits, out of the blue.”
      One possibility is a Senate seat from Illinois, which she found out has just become available. “He already has one, but hey — you never know.”

Coleman as Obama - Whatchou talkin bout, John McCain?

Coleman as Obama - Whatchou talkin bout, John McCain?

(Los Angeles) Actor Gary Coleman, 39, says the inner creativity he feels is the greatest he has experienced since the release of his 1999 film, “Shafted.”
      “I owe it all to the sense of possibilities, of hope that Barack Obama’s election has imparted to the entire country,” said Coleman.
      “Starting the night of November 4, I began seeing hope on the faces of everyone I saw, of every race, creed, color, and representation. That hope, it was contagious,” he said. Coleman is with TGMD.
      Coleman is planning an audacious project that is a step up from his most recent work, a 2008 performance art piece called “Court Appearance in Payson, Utah.”
“I’m writing a screenplay called “BHO44,” it’s going to be the first biopic about our new president,” Coleman said.
      “I, of course, will play the title role. It’ll be a huge hit!” he said.

One thing team will never trade

One thing team will never trade, Coleman says

(Seattle) Otto “Clutch” Coleman is hoping the economy will rebound quickly under Barack Obama. Coleman, 72, is the oldest staff member of the Seattle Mariners baseball club, working as the transaction driver since the team’s founding in 1977.
      “When the team trades or releases a player, I’m the one who drives him to the nearest airport,” he says, claiming to have logged more than 2,900,000 miles behind the wheel of the Mariners’ 1976 Ford Econoline.
      Coleman’s proudest possessions are the autographs he gets from his major league passengers — “Mark Langston, Randy Johnson, Dave Ortiz, Jason Varitek, Alex Rodriguez, both Griffeys, Omar Vizquel, Tino Martinez, Derek Lowe, Mike Cameron, Freddy Garcia, Jamie Moyer, Gil Meche, Adam Jones, J.J. Putz, Raul Ibanez — if the Mariners got rid of them, I’ve got their signature.”
      He had been planning to retire after the 2009 season, but his 401k took a big hit in this year’s Wall Street financial crisis. “Hopefully Obama can fix the mess Bush caused, because I’d hate to sell my autograph book,” Coleman said.

Palin daughters endorse Obama/iNews Friday

October 31, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society, Sports 5 Comments →

The McCain-Palin campaign lost a pair of endorsements today, with the announcement by key Palin children Bristol and Piper that they are backing Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama for President.

“His kids look so happy and well adjusted, I believe Obama can make the whole country that way,” Piper Palin, 7, said wistfully.

The Palin sisters are only the latest in a series of Republicans who have endorsed Obama over GOP nominee John Sidney McCain III, including former Secretary of State Colin Powell, former Governor William Weld of Massachusetts, former Governor Arne Carlson of Minnesota, and Hoover the Republican logo elephant.

Piper Palin said the last straw was the disclosure that her mother, GOP vice presidential running mate Governor Sarah Palin, improperly had the state of Alaska pay for the girls’ travel expenses when Palin children made trips with their mother.

Gov. Palin’s claim forms said Bristol, 18, Willow, 13, and Piper had accompanied their mother on official state business. Bristol and Piper deny this.

“I’m not going to be dragged down by Travelgate, having that on my permanent record that follows me the rest of my life,” said a precociously emphatic Piper.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Piper added. Piper went on to say that she is fed up with being the primary caregiver for Trig Palin, 10 months. The job was thrust on her without any training or contract, she claimed.

“I have been working for free, and Mommy has stalled for weeks on finalizing my contract,” said Piper.

“I don’t know if I have disability coverage. My back is a mess from schlepping Trig all over the country,” she said.

Bristol Palin said she felt outrage upon learning the Republican National Committee had spent $150,000 on a wardrobe for Gov. Palin. “Right now my mom is redistributing the closet space in our house in Wasilla, taking it all for herself.”

“Where am I supposed to keep all my maternity clothes?” Bristol wondered.

 

iNews Friday – 10/31/2008

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator–

Headline: ‘I’m going to win it,’ McCain declares
Translation: McCain confident his business card will be drawn from fishbowl to win free Marie Callender entree

Headline: Time running out for McCain
Translation: McCain urges Americans to renew subscriptions, 1 year only $20

Headline: Brewers’ Zduriencik to be Mariners GM

Translation: Mel Cooley names Rob Petrie to head club’s media campaign

Headline: Alleged Plot to Kill Obama, 88 Others, Foiled
Translation: “Designer Brown Shirts” formed – first Sarah Palin Fan Club

Headline: White supremacists ‘plotted to assassinate Barack Obama in top hats and tails’
Translation: Troubled banks deny Neo Nazis’ credit card applications – unable to leave deposit at tux rental store

Headline: Former Sonics team makes debut
Translation: Oklahoma City inherits grand losing tradition

Headline: Group releases anti-Obama DVD in 5 newspapers
Translation: McCain backers redistribute all known copies of “Mandingo”

Headline: McCain camp pushes Obama-Khalidi ties
Translation: McCain also ties Obama to supporter Scarlett Johansson, who was in The Black Dahlia with Steve Eastin, who was in Rails & Ties with Kevin Bacon

Headline: Mariners mum on Griffey
Translation: Team not sure slugger is over-the-hill enough

iNews Friday, 10-17-2008

October 17, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Entertainment, Humor, Media, Politics, Satire, Society, Sports 3 Comments →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator–

Headline: Speaker at McCain rally says non-Christians want an Obama win
Translation“Finally, O Lord, we pray thou givest us ample warning of the IRS visit”

Headline: John McCain rally in Iowa marked by partisan prayer
TranslationGod returns Iowa contributions

Headline: ‘Pitbull’ found guilty of abusing power
TranslationAnd that shade of lipstick is all wrong for that color flea collar

Headline: McCain vows to whip Obama’s ‘you know what’
TranslationSubstantive policy differences? Coattails?
Translation (Turbo mode):  McCain launches ‘Behind’ phase of campaign

Headline: McCain urges supporters to dial down Obama abuse
TranslationPalin says “These go to 11”

Headline: Krugman Wins Economics Nobel
Translation“Obama is palling around with Nobelists”

Headline: Television Review – ‘My Own Worst Enemy’
TranslationSynopsis – A secret government agency transforms a normal senator into “Playboy,” a reckless, selfish, womanizing Navy aviator

Headline: Video games feature ads for Obama’s campaign
TranslationMcCain’s campaign advertises in moviehouse newsreels

Headline: Cheney goes to hospital for irregular heartbeat
Translation“Cheney’s heart is fundamentally sound,” McCain assures nation

Headline: Thai, Cambodia armies to meet after border battle
TranslationMediators hope for settlement, makeup sex

Headline: Mariners GM job highly coveted
TranslationChrysler accepts Mariners GM job by mistake – team announces layoffs of 1600 workers at three factories

Headline: McCain compares Obama’s tax plans to Hoover
TranslationUndecideds liken McCain’s tax plan to vacuum cleaner

Headline (Photo mode):

TranslationKKKlassy

iNews Friday, Special Patriotic Edition – 7/4/2008

July 04, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society, Sports No Comments →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator–

Headline: Obama and Scarlett emails
Translation: McCain and Apostle Paul epistles

Headline: Gaza Truce ‘Violated Repeatedly’
Translation: Violations inevitable, Gaza truce might as well enjoy it, Clayton Williams says

Headline: Bill Clinton answers Barack Obama’s phone call — finally
Translation: When Obama called at 3AM phone just rang and rang

Headline: Obama, McCain campaigns go global
Translation: Obama running to lead globe, McCain plans to occupy it

Headline: Obama, Bill Clinton to meet
Translation: Creation scientists warn – High energy collision risks black hole, end of universe

Headline: Sharpton targets Nader over Obama comment
Translation: Nader promises to use codeword “itewhay” from now on

Headline: Fire damages home of congressional candidate Darcy Burner
Translation: Rep. Dave Reichert’s home crushed by avalanche of phony bipartisanship

Headline: After McCain takes hit, ‘Swift-boater’ joins fray
Translation: Has “convincing evidence” Obama didn’t deserve Silver Star, never even served on a Swift boat

Headline: Public transit gets a lift from commuters
Translation: Some commuters taking opportunity to touch the public on transit

Headline: Sonics leave Seattle
Translation: Players looking forward to exciting Oklahoma City night life, farming
Translation (Turbo mode): Mayor can now realize dream of million dollar condos on team’s Mercer Street training center

Headline: McCain – Staff shake-up part of ‘natural evolution’
Translation: Rev. Dobson angry at McCain – “God, not Darwin, created staff shake-up”

iNews Friday – 6/6/2008

June 06, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Elections, Entertainment, Humor, Politics, Satire, Society, Sports 2 Comments →

Headline: Lesbian Kiss Too Much for Seattle Fans – Same-Sex Couple Sues After Faced With Ultimatum at Mariners Baseball Game
Translation: No on-field action worth watching

Headline: Dems seat delegates, but ignite new anger
Translation: Whoopie cushions blamed on Ickes

Headline: Fire erupts on Universal Studios backlot
Translation: FEMA plan to house Katrina families in “Rockford Files” trailer hits snag

Headline: Bush Says Senate Emissions Bill ‘Not the Right Way to Proceed’
Translation: Bush demands Senate Dining Room take bean soup off menu

Headline: Bill Clinton apologizes for ‘slimy’ reporter remark
Translation: Meant to say ‘cold and scaly’

Headline: Barack Obama makes history
Translation: McCain making early 20th Century history

Headline: What now for Hillary?
Translation (Showgirls mode): Clintons planning vacation with Elizabeth Berkeley and Gina Gershon – May attend Mariners road game
Translation (Gentle Cycle): Clintons planning vacation with Kyle MacLachlan and Gina Gershon

Headline: McCain – Obama promises wrong kind of change
Translation: McCain offers Americans a dime and three quarters for a buck

Headline: Lohans in court over visitation dispute
Translation: Dad misses Lindsay’s money

Headline: $21.5 Million Is a Record for McCain
Translation: Cindy McCain boosts hubby’s allowance

iNews Friday – 5/9/2008

May 09, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society, Sports 2 Comments →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi headline translator–

Headline: Supreme Court upholds photo ID law for voters in Indiana
Translation: Indiana Doesn’t Want Me

Headline: Yanks turn to Wang versus Mariners
Translation: Seattle fans work on new versions of ‘Yankees Suck’ chant

Headline: Clinton calls for gas tax vote, Obama calls it ‘shell’ game
Translation: Shell says reaping billions in profits is fun, but hardly a game

Headline: Scott Ritter – Attack on Iran ‘virtually guaranteed’
Translation: Cheney denies guarantee – “Absolutely no refunds”

Headline: North Korea turns over cache of long-sought nuclear weapons documents
Translation: “Misfiled under ‘nucular’,” Pyongyang says

Headline: Facebook Partners With AGs for Kids’ Safety
Translation: Kids invited to be Michael Mukasey’s friend, chat online about enhanced interrogation techniques

Headline: Dread-ed night comes for ‘Idol’ Castro
Translation: Paula Abdul criticizes Cuba for policy it hasn’t implemented yet

Headline: Did Rush Limbaugh Tilt Indiana?
Translation: Rush Limbaugh goes for walk along Lake Michigan – Low-lying areas of Gary report major flooding

Headline: McCain’s wife won’t release her tax returns
Translation: McCain denies withholding tax returns – “Cindy hasn’t filed in years”

Headline: Clinton Aide Says Race May Not Go to Convention
Translation: One race not invited – Clinton aide coins new term, ‘a-party-heid’

Clinton wins Kentucky Derby – 2008 horserace narrows

May 04, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Sports 2 Comments →

(Louisville) Hillary Rodham Clinton galloped to a narrow win over Barack Obama in yesterday’s 134th Kentucky Derby. With the victory the junior senator from New York continued to stay close to rival Obama in the overall horserace for the 2008 Democratic nomination for president.

With Richard Mellon Scaife at the reins, Clinton started strongly out of the gate. She set a smooth, seemingly effortless pace as she led the pack on the backstretch, and looked to be running away to an easy victory.

However, at the half mile mark she faced a challenge from Obama, who came up slightly to her left and passed. Clinton fell back into second position.

Obama gradually built a lead of five lengths. But as they reached the far turn, media favorite Jeremiah Wright emerged from the tightly bunched pack and closed in. This distracted Obama enough to give Clinton a chance.

Scaife applied a very expensive whip, and Clinton pulled even as the field turned toward the finish.

Clinton, who has had success running in mud, pulled ahead in the final furlong, crossing the line a half-length ahead of Obama, who had briefly slowed along the rail to discuss issues with infield spectators. John Edwards was third, and Bill Richardson fourth. Dennis Kucinich, riding his wife Elizabeth, did not finish.

Sadly, Mike Gravel began foaming at the mouth and had to be put down.

Celebrating after the race in the traditional Winner’s Circle, Clinton was exultant. “I have won the popular vote of those who have voted — if you count Florida and Michigan, ignore Iowa, Maine and Washington, and multiply by the square root of pi the votes cast for me in counties with names starting with the letter M,” she said.

Despite the victory, Clinton still trails Obama in the overall delegate count.

Asked whether there are any circumstances under which she would consider ending her run, Clinton tossed her head and gave a spirited, braying laugh before responding, “Nay, I say. Naaaaaay!”

Football destroys joys of winter

April 08, 2008 By: Cartledge Category: Rights, Sports 7 Comments →

They call it ‘thugby’ here, rugby league that is. But Australia does even better with four major football codes. The point is try as you might, avoid televised games and certainly the real thing, the level of controversy and thuggery ensures the subject tedious amounts of mental intrusion.

Even avoiding all media does not immune you from football thuggery, or general sports thuggery these days. It spills onto the streets, into the neighbourhood into the apartment next door. Jocks and wannabees, (these days of both genders) are easily excited by the increasing violence in sports, even non contact sports.

For some reason, well I guess you don’t need to be a brain surgeon; thugby is even driving a resurgence in boxing, dubious activity that should have been banned decades ago. This whole aggressive bundle is being lapped up by an increasingly angry society; communities where rage seems to bubble just below the surface.

I’m even informed that weekend games with schoolchildren violence is encouraged from the sidelines and opposing parents segregated to stop them from rioting. We really don’t need our current crop of sporting role models; society seems to be in enough mess without encouragement.

The behaviour of sports stars and pop culture figures should be ringing alarm bells, serious alarm bells. They are glorifying behaviour patterns we should be rejecting rather than embracing. I can still recall a time when an embrace was preferable to a violent beating.

Bush in Romania – Plans to visit Coliseum, Vatican

March 31, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Politics, Satire, Sports, Travel 7 Comments →

President Bush arrived in Romania today for the NATO summit, continuing the important business of conducting foreign policy.

“It’s good to be in Rome,” Bush said.

“I’ve been looking forward to this trip my whole presidency,” said the clearly excited president. “We’re planning to do the tourist thing, be turisticos. Want to see the Vatican and St. Peter’s. Hope the Pope — hey that rhymes — hope John-Paul can fit us into his schedule.”

“I also want to see a soccer match at the Coliseum, and then take Laura for a romantic cruise on the Grand Canal,” the president said.

But Bush noted that serious diplomacy was the primary reason for the trip. “We’ve got more countries wanting to join NATO, and I don’t like it one bit,” he said, singling out Georgia’s application for membership.

“We can’t let our Peach State join NATO. As much as I would like the Confederacy to be a part of NATO, it makes it look like America is not fully behind my foreign policy, and I can’t not have America at my behind, fully,” said Bush.

Bush had a message for Georgia. “I have a message for the politicians in Atlanta: NATO is for foreign countries. That means countries that are foreign, which means they are foreigners. Meaning not domestic. They speak foreign languages, French, German, Russian, British,” Bush said.

In other news, the White House denied Bush was booed when he threw out the opening day first pitch at yesterday’s Washington Nationals game. “They were yelling ‘Buuuuuuush, Buuuuuuush’,” press secretary Dana Perino said.

You Didn’t Happen to See Four Nose-cone Fuses for Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles Did You?

March 25, 2008 By: Station Agent Category: Politics, Sports, War 5 Comments →

China wouldn’t be mad if we accidentally hooked Taiwan up with some ICBM technology by accident would they? I mean, it’s not like we’re arming space or anything… Uh…

From CNN.com:

WASHINGTON (CNN) — The U.S. Defense Department accidentally shipped non-nuclear ballistic missile components to Taiwan, the Pentagon said Tuesday.

Four nose-cone fuses for intercontinental ballistic missiles were shipped instead of helicopter batteries that Taiwan had requested, Air Force Secretary Michael Wynne said.

The fuses were shipped to Taiwan in 2006 and kept in a warehouse there. The Taiwanese military informed the United States last week about their presence on the island.

(more)

China has been notified. China, you might have noticed, is in a bad fucking mood due to the simmering unrest that threatens to make their precious Olympics into a legendary embarrassment.

By the way something, on her radio show last night, Rachel Maddow spoke to sports writer Dave Zirin about the likelihood of protests affecting the Olympics. Zirin, who is very good on radio, explained that countries are making it very clear to their athletes that they are not to make political statements of any kind. Zirin predicted that the most likely group of athletes to break that silence could be NBA players. Members of the Cleveland Cavs, shamefully not LeBron James, have already spoke up, calling on China to help end the genocide in Darfur. LeBron has other interests. Zirin pointed out that this is pretty weak sauce from a guy who claims to be following in the footsteps of Muhammad Ali.

Zirin wrote an article for The Nation looking at how the unrest in Tibet affects the Olympics.

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