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Archive for October, 2008

Palin daughters endorse Obama/iNews Friday

October 31, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society, Sports 5 Comments →

The McCain-Palin campaign lost a pair of endorsements today, with the announcement by key Palin children Bristol and Piper that they are backing Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama for President.

“His kids look so happy and well adjusted, I believe Obama can make the whole country that way,” Piper Palin, 7, said wistfully.

The Palin sisters are only the latest in a series of Republicans who have endorsed Obama over GOP nominee John Sidney McCain III, including former Secretary of State Colin Powell, former Governor William Weld of Massachusetts, former Governor Arne Carlson of Minnesota, and Hoover the Republican logo elephant.

Piper Palin said the last straw was the disclosure that her mother, GOP vice presidential running mate Governor Sarah Palin, improperly had the state of Alaska pay for the girls’ travel expenses when Palin children made trips with their mother.

Gov. Palin’s claim forms said Bristol, 18, Willow, 13, and Piper had accompanied their mother on official state business. Bristol and Piper deny this.

“I’m not going to be dragged down by Travelgate, having that on my permanent record that follows me the rest of my life,” said a precociously emphatic Piper.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Piper added. Piper went on to say that she is fed up with being the primary caregiver for Trig Palin, 10 months. The job was thrust on her without any training or contract, she claimed.

“I have been working for free, and Mommy has stalled for weeks on finalizing my contract,” said Piper.

“I don’t know if I have disability coverage. My back is a mess from schlepping Trig all over the country,” she said.

Bristol Palin said she felt outrage upon learning the Republican National Committee had spent $150,000 on a wardrobe for Gov. Palin. “Right now my mom is redistributing the closet space in our house in Wasilla, taking it all for herself.”

“Where am I supposed to keep all my maternity clothes?” Bristol wondered.

 

iNews Friday – 10/31/2008

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator–

Headline: ‘I’m going to win it,’ McCain declares
Translation: McCain confident his business card will be drawn from fishbowl to win free Marie Callender entree

Headline: Time running out for McCain
Translation: McCain urges Americans to renew subscriptions, 1 year only $20

Headline: Brewers’ Zduriencik to be Mariners GM

Translation: Mel Cooley names Rob Petrie to head club’s media campaign

Headline: Alleged Plot to Kill Obama, 88 Others, Foiled
Translation: “Designer Brown Shirts” formed – first Sarah Palin Fan Club

Headline: White supremacists ‘plotted to assassinate Barack Obama in top hats and tails’
Translation: Troubled banks deny Neo Nazis’ credit card applications – unable to leave deposit at tux rental store

Headline: Former Sonics team makes debut
Translation: Oklahoma City inherits grand losing tradition

Headline: Group releases anti-Obama DVD in 5 newspapers
Translation: McCain backers redistribute all known copies of “Mandingo”

Headline: McCain camp pushes Obama-Khalidi ties
Translation: McCain also ties Obama to supporter Scarlett Johansson, who was in The Black Dahlia with Steve Eastin, who was in Rails & Ties with Kevin Bacon

Headline: Mariners mum on Griffey
Translation: Team not sure slugger is over-the-hill enough

LIVE from New York — it’s the Frogette!

October 30, 2008 By: Frogette Category: Economics, Satire 5 Comments →

I’ve been hearing so much about the meltdown of Wall Street and the impending collapse of our financial system recently. I felt it my duty as an American to come to New York City myself and and check things out. How are those poor Wall Streets and the hangers on who serve them faring in these dark times? All is not lost my friends, they are still being paid their bonuses ($70 billion at last count). And Manhattanites are learning to economize. Why just the other day The New York Times put out an article on recession lunch specials. Now you can find a sandwich downtown for *under* $25. Real progress is being made I assure you.

Future Headlines – Palin In ’12

October 29, 2008 By: Kvatch Category: Elections, Politics, Satire 4 Comments →

SARAH PALIN HINTS AT A 2012 RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY

DEMOCRATS REJOICE, ‘DRAFT PALIN’ PARTIES HELD NATIONWIDE

TINA FEY ANNOUNCES OWN CANDIDACY—”FRANKEN INSPIRED ME,” FEY CLAIMS

FEY WINS DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, RUNS AS ‘SARA PALIN’

MASS CONFUSION AS ELECTION DAY APPROACHES

RAMPANT ‘VOTE FLIPPING’ REPORTED, VERIFICATION IMPOSSIBLE

PALIN WINS THE PRESIDENCY, BOTH PARTIES CLAIM VICTORY

McCain plans transition – Who will be nonredistribution czar?

October 29, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire 4 Comments →

Buoyed by new polls showing him only 10-14 points behind Democratic rival Barack Obama, Republican presidential nominee John Sidney McCain III today instructed his campaign advisers to begin planning the details of his transition for when he takes office in January 2009.

McCain transition director Edward J. Smith would not name who is on their short list, but did offer clues.

“It’s mostly pretty simple. What will a McCain Administration look like? Well, he supported President Bush’s policies 90 percent of the time, so if you thought he would retain 90 percent of Bush’s cabinet and staff, I’d say you were very warm,” said Smith.

Smith said a lot of focus is on selecting a cabinet level appointee to be in charge of preventing wealth redistribution. This “Nonredistribution Czar” would be in charge of policies to maintain the current concentration of wealth among large businesses, and individuals earning more than $250,000 a year.

“I wouldn’t disabuse anyone if they thought Joe Wurzelbacher is on the short list, he’s an obvious candidate,” Smith said, adding that the czar’s salary would be $40,000 per year.

Smith went on to say the big question of the McCain transition is who in the Bush inner circle will not be invited back. “Not even the job of First Lady has been decided,” he said.

“John McCain is a maverick, so he doesn’t consider that position to be immune from a little shake-up,” Smith said.

Bailouts, Bonuses, and Banks…Oh My!

October 28, 2008 By: Kvatch Category: Economics, Government, Protest 7 Comments →

Are we feeling fleeced yet? It’s been 4 weeks since our lawmakers caved and promised $700B in funny money to the very institutions that caused the current financial crisis, and have we seen anything to indicate that the pace of the economic meltdown is slowing? Nope! Perhaps because, so far, nothing has been done to shore up the failing retail and housing sectors. All the money that was supposed to head back into the economy seems to be heading…well…nowhere.

If fact, Wall Street is doing what Wall Street always does: Pay itself first. Under the guise of ‘keeping their talent on board’ the investment houses are preparing to dole out roughly $70B, 1/10 of the entire bailout package, to their traders and managers in the form of discretionary bonuses. So now should we expect that the Feds will go back to Goldman Sachs or Morgan Stanley and say, “Look if you’re so flush that you can pay out millions to your traders, you obviously don’t need our help.”? Don’t bet on it.

Nor should we bet on tight credit, according to Treasury Secretary Paulson the problem that the bailout is supposed to correct, loosening in the near future. Why? Because the banks that are drawing on federal funds don’t seem interested in loaning those funds to anybody.  JP Morgan/Chase, for example, is more interested in buying other banks with your money than in using it to help slow the pace that your retirement is evaporating.

Basically, our lawmakers screwed us, and the “how?” can only be explained one of two ways.  Either Congress is incredibly naive, too stupid too fathom that Wall Street would take the money and run.  Or…Congress knew exactly what they were doing and who they were workng for.  Which do you believe?

“Republican” Is The New…Communist?

October 27, 2008 By: Kvatch Category: Elections, Politics 6 Comments →

“It is a sign of undisciplined people who do not have the loyalty they ought to have to the candidate whom they are serving…”

— Karl Rove on FOX News Sunday, commenting on recent GOP defections and infighting

“People serving ‘the party’, rather than the party serving the people seems awfully…uh…communist, don’t you think, Karl?”

— Kvatch, contemplating the irony of Republican attempts to slandar Barack Obama with the term ‘communist’

Palin enhances qualifications – Shoots Harry Whittington in hunting accident

October 27, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire 1 Comment →

Governor Sarah Palin, eager to add additional weight to her claim to be qualified to hold America’s second highest office, accidentally wounded attorney Harry Whittington on purpose last Saturday.  The McCain-Palin campaign said the mishap occurred as the two participated in a moose hunt near Fairbanks.

It was the second time Whittington has been shot by a vice president or candidate for the office.

“This unfortunate event nonetheless shows how Governor Palin is just as qualified as Vice President Cheney, arguably the most powerful occupant of the office the country has ever seen,” said Al Cohall, weapons safety officer for the McCain-Palin campaign.

Palin consciously based Saturday’s hunt on Cheney’s storied hunting parties, said Cohall. She drank beer during lunch, waited until an hour after the accident before contacting authorities, and then put off being interviewed by those authorities until the next day. Whittington was even airlifted to Christus Spohn Hospital Corpus Christi-Memorial, where he was taken after being shot by Cheney in 2006.

An initial report by the Alaska Department of Fish and Game stated that the incident occurred when Palin was turning to track a moose with her weapon. Whittington, who was modeling a moose costume he planned to wear on Halloween for another hunter, was ahead of Palin and out of the hunting line. Palin mistook Whittington for a real moose, raised her rifle and fired, hitting Whittington.

“I thought it was a Mooslim,” Palin told DFG officers, according to the report.

Erik Wilson, a Christus Spohn media relations officer, said Whittington is in critical but improving condition.

“He has taken out a restraining order directing that any vice president or vice presidential candidate of any country must stay at least 500 feet away from him,” Wilson said.

The McCain-Palin campaign has refused Whittington’s request to reimburse him for the damage deposit on the moose costume.

Revealing airport issues

October 26, 2008 By: Cartledge Category: International, Rights 5 Comments →

Body scanners can see through passengers' clothes

Body scanners can see through passengers' clothes

Airports around the world are trialing body scanners that can see through passengers’ clothes. A new millimetre wave radio frequency body scanner is being trialed at three major Australian airports. It does not use X-rays, but it does have “X-ray vision”.

The Australian Government says it is very safe, but some of us wonder how we deal with this electronic strip show. We are told it’s not compulsory, we can simply agree to a strip search.

It sort raises questions of explaining errant body parts…

Sorry, I always shrink when I’m nervous
No, it’s not a crotch holster
I feed it daily, but it’s naturally ‘small boned’
I didn’t realise Prince Alberts were illegal
Keep laughing, I have a plane to catch

I have no idea what the sisters will say. Maybe; “does my bum look big in this?” Or from the local news; “Customs officers stopped the 56-year-old from the Czech Republic when she arrived from Samoa. An officer frisked her and found she was concealing three live banana plants in her underwear.” SMH

Our economies are going down the tubes and governments a paying a fortune to perve on travelers. Any traveler knows there is nothing attractive about an harassed, tired fellow traveler.

Kvatch’s Kocktail Hour – Eco-seltzer

October 24, 2008 By: Kvatch Category: Humor, Kocktails 7 Comments →

Oh it was another punishing week on Wall Street—the markets frothing as they sank like a stone in water.

But take heart America, there’s always Kvatch’s Kocktail Hour.  And if, like the Frogette and I, you live in one of America’s hardest drinking cities, you can at least drown your sorrows!

So here’s to our beloved Babylon by the Bay…number 3 on the list.

iNews Friday, 10-24-2008

October 24, 2008 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator–

Headline: McCain calls Joe the Plumber, invites him on the trail
Translation: McCain needs someone to chip-in on gas money

Headline: Bush to Hold Global Economic Summit, Aide Says
Translation: Tickets only $100 billion per country – no host bar

Headline: John McCain compares Barack Obama’s policies to socialism
Translation: Bush and McCain vie for title of 21st Century Hoover

Headline: Obama to go to Hawaii
Translation: “Obama moving toward North Korea,” McCain says

Headline: “Knight Rider” gets full-season pickup
Translation: Successful test of new Diebold TV ratings system

Headline: Fears of Deep Recession Batter Wall Street
Translation: Worthless stock certificates find new life as batter-dipped deep-fried treats

Headline: Washington warns Iraq to accept security deal
Translation: Nice country, shame if something were to happen to it

Headline: Palin tells kids the vice president ‘runs’ Senate
Translation: K Street takes a break from McCain campaign, has a good laugh

Headline: Android Market to Open to Any App Monday
Translation: McCain will trade-in Palin for model with more RAM

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