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Archive for May, 2009

Happy Couples Are Not Republicans

May 31, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Politics, Recreation 8 Comments →

Despite the fact that nothing can stop GM’s descent into bankruptcy now, the f*cktards at the RNC still feel the need to take a cheap shot at the President.  And for what…the first couple’s quick jaunt up to NYC for dinner and a play?

What absolute nonsense!  The previous occupant of the White House spent a whopping 977 days kicking it away from DC, and the RNC has got a problem with the President taking the First Lady out for the equivalent of ‘date night’?!

Or perhaps it’s the fact that President Obama isn’t taking his mistress to see the late August Wilson’s award winning play—Like Gingrich, or DeLay, or Wolfowitz, or Sherwood would have done.

And Republicans wonder why nobody give a cr*p about anything they say anymore.

United Airlines Must Die! (Part 1)

May 30, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Commerce, Transportation, Travel 7 Comments →

Living as I do, here in ‘Sodom by the Sea’, United Airlines is a necessary evil. Oh, I’ve tried to get away from this evil empire of the air. But the fact that they’ve got a lock on about 50% of SFO’s gates, the fact that for non-stop, coast-to-coast travel from the Bay Area they are just about the only game in town, along with a whole slew of unused frequent flyer miles, has made my departure almost impossible.

And so it was, for a recent trip to Boston, that I found myself pondering once again how an airline offering such abysmal service manages to stay in business. (Perhaps we could liquidate all of United’s assets and give the money to GM? Oh sure…only in the fevered dreams I had on a plane heated to the point where I could have broiled sausages on my filthy tray table.) But I digress…

What is United’s biggest problem? I’d say open contempt for their customers. My connecting flight from Chicago to Boston was not only canceled without an explanation, but the crew, waiting in the boarding area, didn’t even get the word from their employer until after the flight disappeared from the departure boards. Was it weather? Nope…both coasts had great weather that day. Was it mechanical? Perhaps, but we’ll never know. More likely it was the fact that flight was only 50% full, and United could save few petrol dollars by massively inconveniencing 80 passengers.

So…it was off to ‘Customer Service’ we went for the continuation of our miserable journey. Stay tuned tomorrow for lessons in how this arrogant company has managed to completely disconnect from angry customers.

Read Part 2

iNews Friday – Seattle edition, 5/29/2009

May 29, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire No Comments →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Bear wanders through Seattle neighborhoods
Translation: “Bear for Mayor” – environmentalist launches mayoral bid

Headline: Letourneau, spouse to host “Hot for Teacher” night
Translation: United Federation of Humorists says Letourneau killing union jobs

Headline: Elusive Bear Makes Another Appearance
Translation: Bear continues “listening tour”

Headline: Former Metro driver who sold cocaine from his bus gets year in prison
Translation: Former Metro driver who sold cocaine from his bus sentenced to drive Route 358 for year

Headline: Trash cans removed from more parks in Seattle
Translation: Candidate bear decries “blatant anti-bear policy”

Headline: Police – ‘Temples’ provided sexual healing
Translation: Oldest Profession to March for Marvin Gaye Rights

Headline: Disabled plane lands at Seattle park
Translation: “Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit drinking soy-caramel triple macchiatos,” air traffic controller says

Headline: Microsoft May Rename Live Search ‘Bing’
Translation: Bing and Bob unite in “The Road to 404”

Headline: Countdown to Light Rail
Translation: Seattle gets ready to put on its big boy pants

If Jesus is coming back as a Cheeto we’re all doomed

May 28, 2009 By: Frogette Category: Entertainment, Religion, Satire 11 Comments →

I read a hilarious article today over on the Consumerist.com on how some enterprising Dallas couple found a Jesus-shaped Cheeto among their snacks.  They’ve decided to sell him on e-Bay like the Virgin Mary grilled cheese and various other religious foods we’ve seen over the years.  I find myself wondering, “Is this the second coming?  The rapture even?  Is Jesus coming back as a Cheeto?!”  How can we be sure?  I mean the Bible has some pretty severe proscriptions against false icons.  How can we know when the *real* Jesus appears on our plates?  And if we’re wrong, what then?

Conservatives question Sotomayor nomination – Name won’t fit on back of robe

May 26, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Law, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

Conservative court watchers say President Barack Obama’s nominee to replace retiring David Souter on the Supreme Court faces an uphill battle.

Federal Appeals Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s nine letter surname would be the longest of all the justices on the court, says former House speaker Newt Gingrich, making it difficult to fit on the back of the court’s mandatory judicial black robe.

The New York jurist, who would be the first Hispanic American on the high court, is expected to face a contentious Senate confirmation, said Gingrich.

“Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Anthony Kennedy and John Paul Stevens have seven letter surnames, while the last name of David Souter, whom Sotomayor is replacing, has six letters. ‘Sotomayor’ is just too radical a change,” he said.

“It’s dangerous to disregard the precedent of having justices whose names are easily readable on the back of the pleated, flowing robes ” Gingrich said.

Judge Albee Uvthat of the conservative judicial group Federalist Society agreed with Gingrich. “History is littered with Supreme Court nominations of presidents trying to go against precedent,” Uvthat said.  Uvthat gave William Hornblower (ten letters, 1894) and Clement Haynsworth (nine letters, 1969) as two examples of the Senate rejecting long-named nominees.

However, liberals familiar with the history of the Supreme Court say the right is merely looking for payback — still smarting over the Senate’s rejection of short-named Robert Bork, nominated by Ronald Reagan in 1987.

Also today:  Incredible Kim Jong-Hulk conducts successful gamma radiation test

Back to the Dark Ages

May 26, 2009 By: Frogette Category: California, Government, Protest, Rights 5 Comments →

Thanks to our conservative California Supreme Court and some Mormon fat cash same sex marriage is once again banned in our State.  I had such high hopes.  Mayor Newsom was right to challenge as unconstitutional the missing right of gay marriage in our state.  I supported him when he decided to take a stand and started marrying off same sex couples as fast as he could.  But they shut him down.  And then they went back and tried to invalidate all of those marriages.  Thank goodness that failed.  All I can say is it is a sad, sad day when I have to fly to Massachusetts to see a gay couple wed.  Oh and the first chance I get to send money to Utah to outlaw polygamy, you better believe I’ll be writing THAT check.

iNews Friday, 5/22/2009

May 22, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Entertainment, Humor, Media, Politics, Satire No Comments →

This week the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator will alpha test an experimental new feature: pattern matching. Instead of a translation, a headline will be paired with ANOTHER headline, as identified by our proprietary punchline algorithms.

Headline: Scientists hail stunning fossil
Pattern Match: The star of NBC’s hottest new show is… Chevy Chase?

Headline: Crying Baby Interrupts Obama as He Speaks on Abortion at Notre Dame
Pattern Match: Michael Steele Offically Announces GOP Opposition to Obama – “The Honeymoon is Over”

Headline: Who will sign Michael Vick?
Pattern Match: AIG unveils candidates to revamp board

Headline: ‘Limbaugh Hasn’t Had a Natural Erection Since the Nixon Administration’
Pattern Match: Climate Change Poses Threat to Synchrony of Shrimp and Its Food

Headline: Rush Limbaugh Calls On Nancy Pelosi to Resign
Pattern Match: Green light for giant wind farm

Headline: Los Angeles vs. Seattle
Pattern Match: Share Your Terrible Trip to Work at My Commute Sucks

Headline: Viewers hand Idol crown to Kris Allen
Pattern Match: Will Norm Coleman Concede?

Doctors shrink Cheney swelling – Preparation H treatment makes ex-VP less of an asshole

May 21, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Politics, Rights, Satire 2 Comments →

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is resting comfortably in a Washington D.C. hospital this afternoon, hours after undergoing emergency treatment for being an asshole.

Cheney was delivering a televised rebuttal of President Obama’s speech on policy toward terror detainees at Guantanamo Bay, when onlookers noticed Cheney was experiencing swelling.

Sandra Betacam, a camera operator for C-SPAN, credited training in first aid for helping her recognize the early warning signs of an asshole attack.

“Cheney had just called for creation of an untruth commission, when his upper lip started curling, followed by hyperventilation and exhibiting ignorance of the Constitution,” said Betacam.

Betacam said that when she and others realized what was happening, they donned filter masks to avoid being overcome by gasses, then administered aid to Cheney. Betacam tightened Cheney’s necktie, while others tried to make sure he swallowed his own tongue.

Cheney was transported to Georgetown University Hospital, where medical staff immersed Cheney in a bath of Preparation H. After an hour he was shrunken enough to permit him to make a threatening phone call to Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT).

GU Hospital spokesman Bill Able said regular treatment can make assholes like Cheney bearable.

“It’s usually an incurable condition. But, Preparation H can control the condition to the extent that Cheney can probably live a normal life,” said Bill Able.

“But even then, I wouldn’t let him operate any heavy machinery, death squads or prison camps,” he said.

GOP rebrands Dems as “Democrat Hussein Oparty”

May 18, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Elections, Government, Humor, Politics, San Francisco, Satire, Society 3 Comments →

The Republican National Committee today approved a resolution renaming the Democratic Party the ‘Democrat Hussein Oparty.’ The unanimous vote occurred during a special GOP conference.

When the Republicans announced last week that they would vote on the name change, White House Press secretary Robert Gibbs tried to laugh off the change. “Given the challenges that they face, that’s exactly the way I would be using my time too,” he said, chuckling.

And Democratic chairman Tim Kaine commented that the Republican resolution is “childish.”

However, one Republican said the name change has a precedent. “Democrats used to be called the Democratic-Republicans. But they started becoming un-American in 1844, when they dropped the Republican,” said former House speaker Newt Gingrich.

Prominent Republican Rush Limbaugh agreed, the conservative radio host saying “My egghead friend Newt is correct, we are only saying the Democrats’ name should reflect its leader, the socialist Barack Hussein Obama.”

Republicans took the action over the objections of their chairman, Michael Steele. On Sunday Steele told Meet The Press host David Gregory, “I don’t think that that is an appropriate way to express our views on the issues of the day.”

Limbaugh convened the GOP conference by calling Michael Steele a fraidy cat, giving him a wedgie, and throwing him into a locker.

Limbaugh then called Gibbs “a little baby pablum puker,” wondering aloud if the Obama spokesman wears a bib. Limbaugh worked the delegates into a frenzy, leading them in singsonging, “Gibbs wears a bib, Gibbs wears a bib.”

Limbaugh also gave Governor Kaine the name Candy. “I know you are, but what am I?” Limbaugh responded.

The name Democrat Hussein Oparty went into effect almost immediately, with House minority John Boehner believed to be the first to employ it.

Characterizing as “gross” accusations by Speaker Nancy Pelosi that the CIA had misled her about the use of torture on terrorism suspects, Boehner took to the House floor to call her claim “typical of Democrat Husseins like Speaker Pelosi, a gross San Francisco socialist. Grossy Pelosi, that’s what she is.”

“Grossy Pelosi, Grossy Pelosi,” Boehner said.

In other news, Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) was found today pantsed and hanging from a coathook in the Senate cloakroom. When asked to comment, Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell merely stuck out his lower lip and shrugged.

“Holey Pants Batman!

May 17, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Commerce, Protest 11 Comments →

OK… I get it. Everybody want’s to try and squeeze a little more cash from consumers, especially when we’ve started behaving like Jack Benny in bankruptcy. But is it too much to ask that a pair of jeans last more than a year? If fact, I do remember a time when GAP jeans (the brand I usually buy) didn’t self-destruct roughly 12 months after purchase.

No longer… Not only has almost every pair of GAP jeans that the Frogette and I have bought in the last 2 years developed holes, the holes are showing up in a suspiciously similar, overtly embarrassing, place.

Now I could understand if the jeans from one particular batch—which for GAP means a batch from one particular manufacturer, one particular country—all turned out to be worthless. But different batches? Over two years? All developing holes in the crotch just below the zipper seam?!

5 pairs so far, 3 of mine and two of the Frogette’s. What the f*ck?!

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