Impure thoughts
for complex times.


Archive for June, 2009

Scandal American-style

June 30, 2009 By: Frogette Category: Commentary, Finance, Government 5 Comments →

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 15o years in prison yesterday
for financial malfeasance.  Yes, in the good old U.S. of A. you get a life sentence for taking people’s money, but only 10 years for taking their lives.  Seem a bit messed up?  I think so. Here’s my take on scandal American-style.

The government who, in their oversight capacity has been asleep at the wheel for years, suddenly wakes up in the midst of a media storm, they charge in like Rambo without a jockstrap and pick one person (a scapegoat), to take the fall.  There is a trial, a lot of pontificating, then that one guy goes down and voila!  Scandal is over.

I’ve seen it happen time and again.  All I can say is Hollywood we need a new screenplay for this.  Wouldn’t it be nice if just once we actually stood up and did something about the graft?  It’s time America, who’s with me?!

Sanford announces 2012 run – “No time left for adultery”

June 29, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Politics, Satire 5 Comments →

Pleading with reporters to “keep an eye me,” Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina today announced that he is ready to take responsibility for having an extra-marital affair by running for the 2012 Republican nomination for president.

Sanford follows in a tradition of Republicans who atone for personal or professional wrongdoing by not stepping down.

Reiterating his remorse at carrying on an affair with penpal Maria Belen Chapur, an Argentine divorcee, Sanford said he is apologizing to his wife, his children, the people of South Carolina, and the Republican Party by seeking the GOP nomination, and being elected leader of the free world.

“I have very little left to hide,” said Sanford, after striding on stage to strains of Connie Francis’ “I’m Sorry” played over a sound system.

“Seeking my party’s nomination for president means I won’t have time to fool around on my wife Jenny. And when my children want to know where daddy is on Father’s Day, for the next three years the answer will be Iowa. Or New Hampshire,” Sanford said.

Sanford went on to add that “quitting is for members of the Democrat Party,” and cited Gary Hart and John Edwards as examples of politicians who voluntarily stepped away from public life after revelations of marital infidelity.

Sanford said he is running under the slogan “Mark Sanford: Keeping It In His Pants for America.” He asked journalists to keep him on the straight and narrow, declaring, “I call on reporters to turn the bright klieg lights of scrutiny on me follow me day and night.”

“Bug my phone? Yes, please. Telephoto lenses? Tell me which way to face. Round the clock surveillance? Just honk and I’ll have my motorcade slow down so you can keep up,” Sanford promised.

Sanford departed the press conference in “Palmetto State One,” a flatbed truck carrying a diorama of a Motel 6 room, with one wall made of clear Lexan, in which Sanford will sleep while on the campaign trail. There will always be at least one light on in the room.

In related news, South Carolina First Lady Jenny Sanford has signed an endorsement deal to become national spokesperson for Dog-o-Watt Inc., manufacturers of low-voltage training collars for dogs.

Creature from the deep

June 28, 2009 By: Cartledge Category: Blogging 4 Comments →

I’m certain Frogette has warned Kvatch about what happens when you don’t clean up that mess in the corner: One day something will crawl out of it – and here I am!

Here I am house sitting, with access to subversive web sites and wondering if I should not be informing on my host for the choice of server. I swore and vowed never to use Telstra, the only ISP allowing access to Ragebot (for reasons other than access); but hey! I’m just a visitor and have no choice.

Against all odds; a national government which takes exception to Ragebot and a range of other web publishers, and on an old laptop which boasts 64 mg of ram and bugger all other resources, even ODing on Open Office – but here I am boys and girls from the dark side of politics.

Given that the Aussie Government have pretty much blocked access to the site I guess I could have a field day calling them a bunch of technologically illiterate morons. At least they aren’t subjected to all you American political subversives, even if kiddie protection is the stated aim.

I have, by the way, been quite vocal on the issue of web censorship downunder, though I suspect my mail server has a block on it as well as I have had not one response. Where is Orwell when you need him?

Ayurvedic weapons

June 27, 2009 By: Frogette Category: International 3 Comments →

Indian security forces have revealed this week the “secret ingredient” of their grenades.  It’s chillies! Not just any chillies either.  They use the Guiness Book of World record holder bhut jolokia chilli.  Considered one of the hottest in the world, it’s fierce enough to stop a terrorist or put down a riot.  Indian security forces hope to use this new weapon to stun people into submission.  In response Pakistani separatist groups were seen at the border assembling cooking implements and ingredients and shouting, “Bring it on!”

iNews Friday, 6/26/2009

June 26, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society 2 Comments →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator&#!51;

Headline: Sotomayor quits women’s club after GOP criticism
Translation: Michael Steele refuses to quit all-white organization

Headline: Republican – Will Sotomayor represent ‘all of us’?
Translation: Cornyn wants separate but equal Supreme Courts for each ethnic group

Headline: Apple Should Disclose Liver Transplant, Experts Say.
Translation: New automatic liver update feature announced for Apple staff.

Headline: Sarkozy says burqas are ‘not welcome’ in France
Translation: Tehran – Burqas excellent protection against tear gas

Headline: Villaraigosa bows out of California governor’s race.
Translation: TV anchors saved from “Schwarzenegger vs. Villaraigosa” tongue-twister

Headline: New Nixon Tapes and Files Released
Translation: “Cheney, I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true”

Headline: Former Vice President Cheney to publish memoir
Translation: Publishing history – book of black ink printed on black paper

Headline: S.C. Gov. Sanford Admits Extramarital Affair.
Translation: Sanford & Ensign caught in Argentina Love nest

Headline: Federal college aid form to be streamlined
Translation: Signing away your life now takes only one signature

Headline: Wolverine photographed in Mount Adams area
Translation: Wildlife biologists catch, radio-tag and release Hugh Jackman – “Good chance at perpetuating species”

Headline: World mourns pop legend Jackson
Translation: Tabloids, paparazzi mourn meal ticket

Get your iNews on Twitter, too! (#inews9k)

Jackson Dies – Mystery Solved

June 26, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Entertainment, Humor 4 Comments →

Los Angeles (f-A-ke. P.) —

The mystery surrounding the death of the so-called ‘King of Pop’ was solved today when Madame Anastasia, a medium working out of a second story walk-up in Tarzana, announced that she had been contacted by the former star.

Speaking from the great beyond, Jackson supposedly said, “Nobody upstages me! Especially not a B-list tart like Farrah Fawcett.”

2009/06/26, 10:30a PDT —

If I hear one more car blasting out Bad, or Billy Jean, or Thriller—one more talking head say, “…he defined the music of our generation”—I swear I’m going to puke!

Mousavi disqualified over semi-nude photos

June 25, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Elections, Humor, International, Politics, Satire 3 Comments →

The streets of Tehran are clear of demonstrators this morning, as opponents of president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad absorb Wednesday’s shocking news: opposition presidential candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi has been disqualified after publication of semi-nude photos.

Iran’s ruling Guardian Council announced Mousavi’s disqualification mere hours after the photographs were published in the hard-line newspaper Iran. “Due to this troubling moral lapse, the Guardian Council has no choice but to rule Mir Hossein Mousavi ineligible and issues surrounding the legitimacy of last week’s election are moot,” read a statement issued by the office of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.

A source in the Guardian Council said the provocative photographs were taken in the 1980s when Mousavi was prime minister, and modeled for a series of posters promoting import sales of TOW missiles. “The shirt was undone at the collar a morally borderline two buttons. In the offending series of photos, a third unfastened button can be seen clearly, revealing skin that is an abomination before God,” the source said.

Mousavi continues to be in seclusion and was unavailable for comment. However, Prof. Reza Frandle, a George Washington University historian familiar with Mousavi’s 1981-89 term as prime minister, speculated that Mousavi’s shirt may have been blown open by a breeze.

President Ahmadinejad took a break from measuring his office for new drapes to assure his country that the electoral crisis has passed.

“The people of Iran can put the election and its aftermath behind them and move forward. Move forward, now. Moving forward, confident that their president’s collar is fastened around his neck as tightly as a tourniqet,” Ahmadinejad said.

Forever War

June 24, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: International, Politics, War 2 Comments →

God willing, the nuclear weapons will not fall into the hands of the Americans and the mujahideen would take them and use them against the Americans.

Mustafa Abu al-Yazid — Leader of al Qaeda in Afghanistan

Doesn’t matter whether or not he means it; doesn’t matter whether or not al Qaeda’s Taliban allies are actually able to destabilize Pakistan to the point where the government falls; arguments about spending non-existent dollars at home or abroad are irrelevant. This is the kind of nonsense that will keep US troops in Afghanistan for the next 50 years, and so far the ‘President of Change’ hasn’t shown an ounce of backbone with respect to ending the crippling wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

An Elizabeth takes exception to nickname

June 22, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Internet, Politics, Satire, Society 2 Comments →

Miss Elizabeth Bennet

Dear Miss Elizabeth,

You will permit me to express the enormity of the rapture I feel owing to your acceptance of me last evening. In my mind’s eye I am content to envision us ensconced at Pemberley. You, a vision in silk and jewels, your eyes reflecting the sunset more brilliantly than the well-stocked lake. Me, regarding the vista before me, and finding the manicured grounds suddenly inferior to the latest addition. In order that I might pursue my case with your father at the earliest opportunity, please apprise me of the most suitable time when he is at home to receive me.

God bless you,
Fitzwilliam Darcy


Miss Elizabeth Bennet

Dear Liz,

The sun has tracked across the morning sky, and I have not received word from you with regard to your father’s convenience. My love, please reply, as my heart grows impatient at this delay in beginning our union.

God bless you,
Fitzwilliam Darcy


Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy
Netherfield Park

Dear Mr. Darcy,

You will permit me, sir, to ask something of you: WHO is “LIZ”?

Most sincerely,
Elizabeth Bennet


Miss Elizabeth Bennet

Dear Miss Elizabeth,

Forgive me if my attempt to foster familiarity between us was misplaced as well as hasty. For I was given to believe that the endearment in question to be a form of Elizabeth to be commonly applied in society. But let us not contest this small matter. When may I call on your father?

God bless you,
Fitzwilliam Darcy


Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy
Netherfield Park

Dear Mr. Darcy,

My identity in the world is no small matter, as you put it. There are many forms of my name, and I take to none of them save for ‘Lizzie’, which I permit only my immediate family. Not Liz, Betty, Beth, or Sexy Petticoats. If it were not so, then by what precedent do others call me Elizabeth, or that I introduce myself to them as Elizabeth, or that I sign this letter

Elizabeth Bennet


Miss Elizabeth Bennet

Dear Elizabeth,

Look. I thought I heard somebody at Mr. Bingley’s ball call you Liz. Now let us get on with it. D’Accord?

God bless you,
Fitzwilliam Darcy


Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy
Netherfield Park

Dear Mr. Darcy,

WHO? WHO CALLED ME LIZ? You should be aware, sir, that many in town claim to have made my acquaintance, but they do so without cause or justification. I am unfamiliar with customs in the north, but in Hertfordshire there are those who aspire most ardently to certain social circles, yet to which they are not invited, nor shall ever be.

My dear sister Mary informed me that one of your letters arrived when I was indisposed. A lady does need to take a turn out of the drawing room on occasion. I now tire of this correspondence. Please meet me, that we may discuss this misunderstanding. May I suggest that place where we met that time to talk about that thing.

Most sincerely,
Elizabeth Bennet

Between The Patient And The Doctor

June 21, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Health, Politics, Protest 4 Comments →

The last thing in the world I think Democrats and Republicans are going to do at the end of the day is create a government-run healthcare system where you’ve got a bureaucrat standing in between the patient and the doctor.

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

And that’s the whole problem…putting a bureaucrat between the patient and the doctor would displace the blood-sucking parasite that currently occupies that position, the insurance company.


And thus we see how our representatives, Democrats and Republicans alike, will scuttle health care reform. They’ll call it a matter of access, a matter of choice, a matter of money. They’ll tell us that we’ll be better off keeping things as they are, while another 30 million over the next decade loose access to coverage.

THIS IS THE F*CKING PLAN!!!…do anything to continue to line the pockets of insurers, the one constituency that has a vested interest in making sure that people can’t obtain care or, when they do, have to foot the bill themselves. Don’t fool yourselves, American workers are about to be hung out to dry even though 72% of us would prefer a single-payer, or at least government sponsored, system.

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