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Archive for June, 2009

iNews Friday, 6/19/2009

June 19, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Conspiracy, Humor, International, Politics, Satire, Society 1 Comment →

Starting Monday: Get your iNews on Twitter, too! (#inews9k)

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Food taster tested Obamas’ Paris meal
Translation: All in a day’s work for the U.S. Secret Sauce Service

Headline: Television go blank? Maybe you weren’t ready for DTV switch
Translation: Blank screen debuts on NBC to huge ratings

Headline: Ahmadinejad’s victory greeted by Tehran protests
Translation: Satirists protest- Norm Coleman jokes only work if Ahmadinejad loses

Headline: Netanyahu Agrees to Palestinian State With Conditions
Translation: “I’m thinking of a number between 1 and infinity”

Headline: Koogle Kosher Search Engine To Rival Google
Translation: System goes down every Friday at sunset

Headline: Ensign Placed Son of Mistress On NRSC Payroll
Translation: “Thanks, but don’t expect me to call you ‘dad'”

Headline: Dungeons & Dragons maker sues 8 over handbooks
Translation: Calligraphed on non-standard parchment, nerds allege

Headline: Obama Swats Fly During Interview
Translation: “Obama is a frog” – Grabbed fly with his tongue, patriots claim (Read the blog!)

Headline: Ensign’s admission blurs conservative image
Translation: Now conservatives’ faces on TV have to be pixelated

Headline: AG Holder – 50 or more Gitmo trials possible
Translation: “I’m a Detainee, Get Me Out of Here!”

Headline: Kremlin Names Panel to Repair Russia’s Image
Translation: Say hello to “The Happiest Plutocracy on Earth”

Headline: PETA wishes Obama hadn’t swatted that fly
Translation: “If you kill the flies, who will eat the dog turds? See, life’s a circle-“

Headline: Kate Gosselin defends spanking her kids
Translation: “Eight kids! Eight! EIGHT! Twenty-four seven!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”

Headline: Senate OKs bill to keep detainee photos private
Translation: Carrie Prejean wants to know how she can get that deal

Headline: Daschle comes out publicly against public option
Translation: Public option would not provide free car with driver

Headline: Is the Fed wearing so many hats it can’t do its main job?
Translation: Fed phones up Condoleezza Rice to talk shoes.

Headline: Robert Pattinson struck by car, escapes injury
Translation: Taxi with Pattinson-shaped dent appears on Ebay

Headline: No Constitutional Right to DNA Evidence, Supreme Court Rules
Translation: Now we’ll never know whose pubic hair was on the Coke can

Baked Alaskan By Todd Palin – Where’s MY apology?

June 17, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Entertainment, Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

It’s been a tough week for Family Palin. But we were finally able to put one in the win column now that Willow finally got her apology from Dave Letterman.

Baked Alaskan
I found out what happened when I got back yesterday from my annual baby whale hunting trip.

I didn’t even have a chance to unload the depth charge launcher from the back of the 4×4, when Sarah came running to tell me how that East Coast New York Jew elitist so-called comedian said he wanted Alex Rodriguez to impregnate my little Tater Chip (that’s what I call her).

As if we haven’t had enough hardship the past year. Not only do we have a Muslim as president instead of Solid John (that’s what I call him) and a special needs baby at home, but my oldest daughter is a new mom and a widow to boot (you might as well come out of hiding and face the music, Levi — or Dead Man, that’s what I call him).

And now Dave Letterman, biggest star of CBS, the Communist Broadcasting System, is joking about Tater Chip getting knocked up.

Well how dare he! The A-Rod part I don’t care about; I mean, an A-Rod grandkid would be so frickin’ cool. But doesn’t Dave believe young girls should wait at least until Bristol’s age?

Willow’s got an apology. Sarah’s got an apology. Where’s my apology? I’m only the father of the pregnant teenager in question. Don’t I hurt too?

In fact, if Dave wants to really do the right thing, he’d make an honest woman out of Willow himself.

Because otherwise, I’m going to come looking for you, Letterman! You ever duel, boy? Just you and me — crossbows at twenty paces.

It don’t matter if you’re already hitched. We have ways around that in Alaska. I know the governor.

Heck, while I’m at it, I’ve decided I want an apology from you too, Rodriguez. And an autographed bat and glove, and a luxury suite the next time Madonna does a concert in Seattle.

Because respect for family values is what Republicans are all about.

Nickelsville moves to 4th & James – Unused city land “perfect” for Seattle homeless camp

June 15, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Elections, Entertainment, Government, Humor, Politics, Satire, Society 5 Comments →

Nickelsville - Tent city finds a home

Nickelsville - Tent city finds a home

After years of being hustled from site to site in an almost endless game of musical chairs, Nickelsville, the Seattle encampment for the homeless, thinks it has finally found a long-term home.

The city of pink tents, named in honor of Mayor Greg Nickels, has relocated to downtown Seattle only a stone’s throw from the Columbia Center, the Rainier Club, and other prestigious addresses.

It is an overgrown parcel on the roof of unused municipal property. Nickelsville leader Ernie Frandle said a check of public records revealed it is called City Hall.

Standing in midtown Nickelsville this morning, Frandle called it a perfect site for homeless people.

“From our perspective, absolutely nothing is happening at City Hall, no activity at all. So we should be able to stay for a long time,” Frandle said, as reporters dodged tumbleweeds.

A resident who gave her name as Clara is happy with the new digs, saying, “from here we’ll be able to look down on people for a change.”

One floor down, Mayor Nickels said he is happy to host the camp until after the November election. “The camp won’t get in the way of anything I’m doing, since I get most of my work done over at Paul Allen’s office and the Downtown Seattle Association.”

However said the mayor, Nickelsville should find another location after he begins his third term.

“Because being homeless means having to stay on the move, right? A permanent address would kind of defeat the purpose,” Nickels said.

[Google Images: Seattle’s green city hall]

iNews Friday, 6/12/2009

June 12, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society 1 Comment →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: New Ronald Reagan statue stands tall in Capitol
Translation: Reagan Named “Emotionally Distant Step-Father of His Country”

Headline: Supreme Court Clears Way for the Sale of Chrysler to Fiat
Translation: Judicial fiat allows sale to Fiat

Headline: Palin calls Letterman ‘pathetic’ after ‘slutty flight attendant’ joke
Translation: “Coffee, tea or right wing extremism?”

Headline: Supreme Court nominee Sotomayor fractures ankle
Translation: Sotomayor fell while fleeing Republican zombies

Headline: PETA Asks Pike Place Fishmongers To Not Throw Fish
Translation: Bystanders injured when fishmongers practice throwing Tofurky

Headline: Penguins stay alive with 2-1 win
Translation: Avoid long march back to Antarctica

Headline: Dog gets high eating marijuana in Seattle park
Translation: Dog leads Evergreen State College to Ultimate Frisbee championship

Headline: Pyongyang may be prepping nuclear test
Translation: DPRK going to an awful lot of trouble to microwave leftovers

So Long And Thanks For All The TARP

June 10, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Commentary, Economics, Finance 4 Comments →

So now we’ve got a total of 10 banks that have been given the go-ahead to pay back money borrowed from the government under the Treasury’s TARP program. But—setting aside the fact that most of these well-heeled f*ckers just want to get out from under government restrictions on pay, perks, and practices—there are still a number of questions that Treasury Secretary Geithner needs to answer:

1) Those loans gave the government the opportunity to obtain warrants for common stock in the affected banks. If those banks are now allowed to buy back the warrants, then WTF did the public get in return for 8 months of essentially interest free loans to these corporate parasites?

2) JP Morgan/Chase, one of the approved banks, used their TARP funds to acquire Washington Mutual at a bargain basement price. Shouldn’t…maybe…there be a punishment for misusing funds that should have been allocated for lending to the public sector?

3) Bank of America and Wells Fargo, the two biggest leeches in the pond, have not been approved to pay back their TARP funds, but also haven’t demonstrated that they intend to do anything with the money other than acquiring former competitors (e.g., Wells’ purchase of Wachovia). When is the public going to see some punishment of these assholes?

All in all, Geithner is proving that he’s just as much of a tool as his predecessor Henry Paulson, and maybe it’s time that the administration replace him with someone who actually has the public’s best interest on his mind.

Opposition to bringing detainees to U.S. – Domestic terrorists against cheap imports

June 09, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Economics, Humor, Politics, Religion, Rights, Satire, War No Comments →

A leading interest group today announced its opposition to President Obama’s plan to bring suspected terrorists housed at Guantanamo Bay to the U.S. for trial.

The group, Theocracy Economics for America – Buy A Gun (T.E.A.-B.A.G.), said bringing detainees to U.S. soil threatens the livelihoods of domestic terrorists.

Riley C. O’Yote, spokesperson for T.E.A.-B.A.G. charged that the White House wants to import cheap, knock off terrorists purchased in the mideast for only $500 each.

“If imported terrorists are allowed to come in and take those jobs, homegrown terrorists might have to leave the non-conspiracy sector and resort to getting educations in dead-end fields like engineering, teaching and software development,” said O’Yote.

O’Yote said he can’t understand why the Obama Administration is bringing foreign insurgents to the U.S., when the focus of economic recovery should be on protecting existing jobs in careers such as militiamen, anti-choice snipers, Klan wannabes, and FOX News commentators.

“If American abortion doctors, women’s clinics, government facilities and infrastructure are going to be threatened, those threats should be issued by American terrorists, earning a living wage,” he said.

Some conservative economists agree with the T.E.A.-B.A.G. argument against imported terrorists. Wayne L. Saltpeter, who studies the ammunition futures market, says the homegrown terror sector needs protection. “This is the one growth industry we have, since the demise of the securitized mortgage bundle.”

“I think people forget that for every Planned Parenthood office, there’s a picket line struggling to meet basic expenses. Full-color posters of aborted fetuses aren’t cheap at Kinko’s,” Saltpeter added.

Saltpeter also touted the enormous economic ripple effect of terror, in sales of ammunition, freeze dried food, and teabags.

However, other conservative experts counter that it is difficult to design a pro-nutjob policy, because the value of the sector is hard to quantify.

“No one really know how much domestic whackos earn, as they don’t file tax returns with the IRS,” says Dr. Hilton Graybar, Endowed Fellow of Penal Studies at the Richard B. Cheney Institute for Penitentary Entrepreneurship.

“It’s probably more than $500, but how much more? Who can say,” Graybar said.

Graybar says the U.S. prison industry would benefit from the Obama policy, due to a high vacancy rate in private prisons. “There was a lot of overconstruction during 2001 through 2008, resulting in the current high vacancy rate,” he said, therefore imported detainees would be an immediate shot in the arm for the prison investment market.

Supreme Court won’t review Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – “Works fine for us,” justices say

June 08, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Law, Politics, Rights, Satire No Comments →

The U.S. Supreme Court dealt a setback today to a constitutional challenge to the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy banning gay people from openly serving in the U.S. military.

In upholding the decision of the U.S. Court of Appeals 1st Circuit, Associate Justice Antonin Scalia found precedent in the policies governing the high court itself. “The policy of ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ will not be reviewed because it works. This court is covered by such a policy, and it works fine for us,” wrote Scalia.

“The Supreme Court’s unit cohesion would suffer greatly if we were to introduce the factor of sexual preference. When we’re in the heat of judicial deliberations, the last thing I want to have to worry about is what another justice is doing under his robe,” Scalia stated.

“In fact, the reason we wear shapeless robes to begin with is to detract from the rampant sensuality that would otherwise distract this court from its constitutional duties,” he noted.

“It’s also the reason we don’t wear those irresistible, come-hither powdered wigs, like the British,” added Associate Justice Samuel Alito.

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas concurred with Scalia and Alito, writing: “I always shower at home because I don’t want other justices ogling me in the Supreme Court Shower.”

However, Thomas said “don’t ask, don’t tell” should only apply to male homosexuals serving on the Supreme Court.

“When I say homosexuals endanger unit cohesion in the shower, I don’t mean the ladies,” Thomas wrote.

Observing that retiring Justice David H. Souter is a confirmed bachelor who lives in a rustic cabin in New Hampshire, Thomas’ law clerk said Thomas hopes the Senate votes to confirm Souter’s replacement, Sonia Sotomayor, as soon as possible.

“Justice Thomas welcomes the prospect of observing much late-night jurisprudence between Judge Sotomayor and Justice Ginsburg,” the clerk said.

Asshole of the Week – James Inhofe (R OK)

June 06, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Commentary, Politics 6 Comments →

There has never been a documented case of torture at Guantanamo… I just don’t know whose side he’s [President Obama] on.

James Inhofe — Commenting on the President’s Cairo speech.

There was a time when arrogant Bu$hCo apologists like Inhofe would have burst a blood vessel when anyone dared to criticize the ‘Torturer in Chief’. We can all remember an eight year span when speaking out over Bush’s “war of choice” was ‘un-American’.

Now is the time for America to be repairing it’s image in the world, but for Inhofe what’s sauce for the goose is apparently not sauce for the gander. No wonder nobody wants to hear what f*ck-wits in the GOP have to say anymore.

iNews Friday, 6/5/2009

June 05, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, International, Politics, Satire No Comments →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Republicans Begin to Find Voice on Racial Aspects of Sotomayor Nomination
Translation: Sean Hannity recovering after seizure – Begins channeling Lester Maddox

Headline: Cheney – Same-sex marriage is OK
Translation: “If you like the idea of having sex with the same person for the rest of your life, year in, year out, until the end of time already”

Headline: GM strikes Hummer deal with China machinery maker
Translation: Hummer fuel efficiency to be measured in MSG – Specify number of stars when ordering

Headline: Kim Jong-un – a profile of North Korea’s next leader
Translation: North Koreans hail the un-Leader

Headline: Why the Health Care Rush?
Translation: Limbaugh liposuctions responsible for 40% of annual health care inflation

Headline: Sanford’s Priorities – Nix School Funding And Reform, Allow Guns At School
Translation: Armed robbery to fund South Carolina education

Headline: North Korea set to fire long-range missile
Translation: Pyongyang says Kim Jong-un writing new national anthem – Needs rocket red glare for inspiration

Headline: Masdar City 10MW Solar Plant Completed
Translation: US Dept. of Energy pulls plug on Bush-era Potato Battery Initiative

Headline: Muslims Seem Won Over by President; US Adversaries Unmoved
Translation: Muslims Seem Won Over by President; Republicans Unmoved, Limbaugh Sedentary

Rumsfeld on waterboarding – US was keeping detainees well-hydrated

June 04, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, War 6 Comments →

In a surprising break with other former Bush Administration officials, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said today that waterboarding was not used to torture prisoners at the US facility at Guantanamo Bay.

“Our critics have it totally wrong. My stars, waterboarding would be illegal. The way we put pressure on terror suspects was to deny them water. See? Totally different,” the former Pentagon chief told reporters.

Rumsfeld’s startling assertion is at odds with statements by former vice president Dick Cheney, former attorney general Michael Mukasey, former CIA director Michael Hayden, and others, all who have admitted that waterboarding was used at the Guantanamo facility.

Moreover, they say Justice Department memos made waterboarding legal, classifying the practice as ‘enhanced interrogation.’

But Rumsfeld said such legal distinctions are not necessary. “We used waterboarding to keep prisoners well-hydrated after depriving them of drinking water, and not as an enhanced interrogation technique.”

“The result isn’t torture, it’s thirst. Harmless. Good heavens, I get thirsty every day,” said Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld demanded release of a 2003 Justice Department memo that established a legal dehydration policy. “It says that if you don’t let someone have water, they’re going to get dehydrated. There was an entire appendix devoted to celebrity dehydration, like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse.”

“So after days of deprivation but before the point of dehydration, we would give the detainees water. A lot of water. Cheese and biscuits, one time we rehydrated Kaleed Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in a month,” Rumsfeld said.

Rumsfeld denied Amnesty International accusations that this is really waterboarding in disguise, calling the organization misinformed.

“When they get this water, are they lying on a board? Sure. With a cloth over their faces? Could be. But Sweet Betsy, if that’s illegal you can go right ahead and make Perrier, lumber yards, and Jo-Ann Fabrics illegal too,” he said.

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