Archive for July, 2009
From the iNews9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—
Headline: Police unions call for apology from Obama
Translation: Confederate re-enactors demand White House apologize to Robert E. Lee
Headline: US and China Leaders Meet in Washington
Translation: Obama wants to meet China leader again an hour later
Headline: Sarah Palin hands over power in Alaska
Translation: Transition hits snag – Todd forms guerrilla resistance
Headline: Former Alaska Governor Says, ‘I Feel Great’ After Leaving Office
Translation: State’s reputation begins long recovery
Headline: Renowned Choreographer Merce Cunningham Dies at 90
Translation: Critics – Cunningham’s death lacks energy, movement
Headline: Most panel Republicans to oppose Sotomayor
Translation: “Wise white males” make their decision
Headline: Apple Tablet Buzz Intensifies
Translation: Apple’s “iBuprophen” is slender 200mg tablet
Headline: Republican Senator Bunning announces retirement
Translation: Was first Muppet in Congress
Headline: Gates, Crowley to meet at White House for beer on Thursday
Translation: Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name
Headline: Sunbeds join cigarettes, arsenic as top cancer threat
Translation: If you outlaw tanning beds, only outlaws will be leathery
Headline: Glenn Beck says Barack Obama has “deep-seated hatred” of white people
Translation: Glenn Beck a shoe-in to have beers at White House
Translation (Turbo mode): Beck – “Obama hates half of himself – or half-hates all of himself”
Headline: Reds acquire Balentien from Mariners
Translation: Reds use up remaining Piniella Bucks coupons
Headline: Sudanese Woman Facing 40 Lashes for Wearing Pants
Translation: Plus 10 lashes for the wrong shoes
Headline: West Bank Settlers Scorn Obama’s Push for a Freeze
Translation: Settlers, Palestinians invited to White House for Manishevitzes
Headline: “Beer Summit” set for White House
Translation: Crowley picks “tastes great” – Gates “less filling”
Laugh along at #beersummit
Everyone has their panties in a twist over rumors of this upcoming Apple Tablet, but has anyone actually stopped to think about how Apple’s going to address all the potential issues? Because there are quite a few.
Think about it: the rumors are of essentially a gigantic iPod Touch with a 3G connection. It’s a web tablet, right? But we live in a time where $300 netbooks are the norm. Are people going to really be willing to part with $800 for a gussied-up netbook with a touchscreen and Apple design?
Gizmodo — The Many Problems With Apple’s Tablet
Are you kidding me? If Steve Jobs put caca in a unibody aluminum case and called it iPoo, people would buy it. In fact, the lemmings that love all things Mac would queue up for days in front of the Apple stores—and I say this as devoted Apple laptop owner.
NASA announced today it is bestowing its highest civilian honor upon Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) in recognition of the assistance she gave the International Space Station (ISS) over the weekend.
The conservative lawmaker beamed with pride as flight director Buzz Frandle presented her with the award, the Space Cadet certificate, and pinned a pair of plastic wings on her lapel.
“On Saturday, astronauts reported a warning light on the U.S. module’s carbon dioxide removal system,” Frandle said, reading from the official proclamation.
“Under our engineering and science-based operating protocols, the system needed to be repaired or a dangerous build up of CO2 would occur,” Frandle said.
“We received a call from Rep. Bachmann, who told us our protocols are invalid because carbon dioxide is a natural byproduct of nature. She said life can’t exist without CO2, so we shouldn’t worry about the malfunction.”
Station personnel resumed normal activites Sunday without the purification system, although according to Frandle overly cautious European, Russian, Canadian, and Japanese crew sealed themselves off from the American section, and lowered their CO2 to dangerous levels using the Russian module’s air scrubber.
However, flight engineeer Michael Barratt reports all is well in the U.S. module. “Excuse me, I’m feeling kind of woozy and need to lie down for a while,” a cheerful Barratt told Bachmann by radio.
Bachmann spoke to Barratt by radio, and congratulated him on his good work. “Pay no attention to doubts of other countries’ astronauts, you’re doing great,” she told Barratt. Bachmann went on to say she plans to introduce legislation giving U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement strict control over foreign entry to the American module.
In other news, Sarah Palin’s resignation as Governor of Alaska became effective yesterday. In a final speech in Fairbanks, Palin told Alaskans she is “excited to become John McCain’s new vice senator.”
Dublin (f-A-ke. P.) —
The publication or utterance of blasphemous, seditious, or indecent material is an offence which shall be punishable in accordance with law.
— Article 40 of the Irish Constitution
Although it has always been a crime to utter a blasphemous statement in Ireland—at least according to the Irish Constitution—there has never been a law that would allow the restriction to be enforced…until now.
Speaking after reluctantly signing the new law on Thursday, Irish President, Mary McAleese said, “I dinna really want to sign this law, but JESUS, MARY, and JOSEPH these religious zealots are persistent.”
The president was then immediately arrested and taken away by police.
It is a long time since you had to deal with a Sunday downunder, but here I am again for now – St Kevin willing. That is the St Kevin I helped become the Aussie PM, then he turned around and banned Ragebot downunder.
He has me discombobulated! I detest his social agenda, but cheer his economic agenda – even though the latter is set to disprove my long held economic election prediction theory. That theory essentially holds that if the key household indices fall three times between elections the incumbent government is dead meat.
St Kev agrees with my prediction theory to the degree that he proclaimed “the economy is in the toilet” three times before the last election here. Okay, he’s a saint and probably said ‘the economy isn’t good’, or something equally mundane. But it worked!
So after the election, with the economy way down the long drop among the shi…Well you know where it is, St Kev says, “tighten your belts, we’re in for a rough ride here…” That was when he was sanctified by the Aussies. Never mind the Pope, we all know he wouldn’t know a saint from an alter boy.
So now, just trying to kill my theory totally St Kev has now sanctified St Barrack-Calmer-Obama to help in the fight against world economic disaster. St Kev thinks the aforementioned US Prez id the bees knees and is determined to show him how to keep those glorious Washington bedrooms.
Kev just took a whole week off from public life to produce a 6000 word essay to tell those few Aussies who can read that there is a good deal more economic deep shi… to come and his best mate St Barrack etc is going to be by our side to fight it. We are going to the soup kitchen shoulder to shoulder to produce a better world.
Well, so long as the conservative arseholes aren’t in the line up I’ll concede. I just hate it that my cherished prediction model will be toast.
From the iNews9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—
Headline: Seattle police deploy mobile precinct
Translation: Winchells deploys donutmobile
Headline: Bombers dressed as women kill three Afghan officers
Translation: “Kabul Like it Hot” is box office bomb
Headline: Netanyahu lauds new Jewish-Christian ties
Translation: Netanyahu and Sanford caught in Tel Aviv love nest
Headline: Israel cuts 1948 ‘catastrophe’ from Arabic texts.
Translation: George Orwellyahu’s ‘1948’
Headline: Gov. Crist appears to soften stance on gay adoption
Translation: Impeccably groomed and tidy Crist to adopt Chinese baby
Headline: Congress hears proposals to reverse auto dealer cuts
Translation: “Hmm, I’ll have to run this by my manager — the President”
Headline: US ‘will repel nuclear hopefuls’
Translation: US changes Defcon to ‘In a relationship with own warheads’
Headline: Michelle Obama debuts new haircut
Translation: GOP warns government will come between you and your hairdresser
Headline: Dozens Arrested in New Jersey Corruption Probe
Translation: “Young Tony Soprano Chronicles” premieres to huge ratings
Washington (f-A-ke. P.) —
No longer a minority in American society, television sets, of which there are approximately 330 million, now outnumber so-called ‘Human Americans’.
We feel it’s time for this important segment of society to step forward and claim the rights long denied them by flesh-and-blood Americans. Can anyone deny that televisions are as important to this country as…say…cars, or microwave ovens? NO! We provide hours of entertainment. We’re your constant companion. Indeed…we even babysit your children. We demand a seat at the American table!
Pan A. Sonic — President, National Association of Society/Television Integration (NASTI)
A bill, introduced by Michelle Bachman (R MN) and co-sponsored by a group of 10 conservative Republicans and Democrats—known around Capitol Hill at the NASTI Bunch—would define life as beginning at manufacture. The bill would also place restrictions on the disposal of older televisions and make elderly devices eligible for Social Security and Medicare. Critics have called the plan just another unfunded mandate and an unwarranted expansion of the social safety net.
The public option was shot by the health insurance lobby today at the U.S. Capitol, in full view of shocked, shocked representatives and senators. Activity on the capitol campus was halted for hours, although no one noticed any difference.
The health reform proposal was rushed to the emergency room at the Executive Office Building, where it remains in critical condition.
Police arrested the health insurance lobby at the scene. “I’m just a corporate personhood activist trying to protect profits and the sanctity of corporate life,” he shouted as he was wrestled into a fundraiser for Rep. Mike Ross (D-Blue Cross).
A weapon believed used in the attack was recovered at the scene, said by police to be a $170 million double-barreled Influence Special.
Sen. Max Baucus (D-Schering-Plough) denounced the shooting as “abhorent,” but said he continues to support a pro-corporate life movement that seeks to achieve its goals peacefully. “Life begins at incorporation, everyone agrees on that,” Baucus said.
In other news, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell today announced his opposition to First Lady Michele Obama’s new shorter hairstyle. “This will put the government between Americans and their hair stylists,” warned McConnell.
“Only your hairdresser should know for sure,” McConnell added.
Using the old “The enemy of my enemy is my friend” adage Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced in a speech this week that the U.S. will arm it’s Middle Eastern allies against a nuclear enabled Iran. Clinton said the move would create a “defense umbrella” across the Middle East. Have we learned nothing people? So once again we’ll give weapons and technology to Iraq and pit them against their neighbors in Iran. Does the name SADDAM HUSSEIN ring a bell?! All this means is that in another 15-20 years we’ll be back in Iraq trying to overthrow whatever new strong man emerges and fighting the war all over again. That’s the tragic thing about America…we never learn.