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Archive for August, 2009

Health debate a boon for kids TV – Nickelodeon to spend lobbyist millions on more blue dog episodes

August 31, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Government, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 3 Comments →

The heavy lobbying of Congress on health insurance reform has led to an unexpected benefit to American pre-school age children.

So much is being spent by insurance lobbyists that, in addition to millions in donations to Blue Dog Democrats, millions were given by mistake to the Nickelodeon TV network.

“The memo lines on all the checks specified ‘for the blue dogs,’ so we decided to order three more seasons of Blues Clues,” said Cindi Cation, Nickelodeon director of non-Sponge Bob programming.

“The sponsor’s wish is our command,” Cation added.

Blues Clues, about a puzzle-solving dog named Blue, ran on Nickelodeon from 1996 to 2006 and won critical praise as well as high ratings. Early childhood educators and development experts praised the absence of singing dinosaurs, and pop-sociologist Malcolm Gladwell called Blues Clues “as ‘sticky’ as the FEC filings of Senator Max Baucus (D-Schering-Plough).”

The Cupboard Was Bare, Blue’s first-paw account of his time in Iraq as an International Atomic Energy Agency inspector, was the first mainstream media report to question the Bush administration’s justification for going to war.

Friday’s disclosure of the donation error sent a shockwave through the Washington DC lobbying community. One lobbyist said privately that the return of Blue is being feared as equivalent to an appointment of a special prosecutor.

Clay M. D’Niall, executive director of the insurance industry think tank Liberty Copayment Institute, admitted offering Blue’s Clues producers 50,000 shares of Cigna in exchange for Blue’s Thinking Chair, but was unsuccessful. “Dammit, that mutt could figure out our entire scam,” D’Niall said.

Cross words for the print media

August 30, 2009 By: Cartledge Category: Media 3 Comments →

So Rupert Murdoch’s media empire is bleeding money and he’s had to take a pay cut – a bloody big pay cut. So what does he do? He wants to charge for his online ‘news’, which is usually anything but news.

Not my serious Aussie media crew here; when Mudoch left here and became a Yank Fairfax won the crown. Well Fairfax were talking about charging for big ticket news, the expensive deep stuff few of us read anyway.

Fairfax has now cut right to the quick and simply stopped their daily online cryptic crossword!!! Damn their eyes! They say, if you want it daily buy the paper! Fair crack of the whip, much as I love solving a cryptic I won’t buy a fish wrapper to get to it.

Now I guess my rage is a little cryptic for North Americans who don’t value the mind teasing cryptic crossword, but it sure as hell means war here in Australia. I still think – (1 across 4 letters) It’s shitty when a high note leads modern music genre. Answer – CRAP!

The sweet smell of…Pamela Anderson?!

August 29, 2009 By: Frogette Category: Commerce, Entertainment, Satire 7 Comments →

Bottle blond and human blow up doll Pamela Anderson tweeted this week about the launch of her first fragrance.  It’s called Malibu by Pamela.  Personally I think “SKANK!” would have been a better choice.  She could diversify ala Jennifer Lopez, Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton into adjacent fragrances like, “SKANK! Beach” and “SKANK! Boat”.  The Frog suggested “MILF SKANK!”   There could even be a “Vegas SKANK!”.  I’m wondering if PETA has certified her fragrance animal friendly.  I’m guessing it was tested on ‘escorts’ walking the Vegas Strip between midnight and 3 a.m.

iNews Friday, Has anyone here seen my old friend Teddy edition – 8/28/2009

August 28, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society 5 Comments →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Troubles cloud first Obama vacation.
Translation: Limbaugh hopes Obama vacation fails.

Headline: With Nickels gone, will the City Council assert itself?
Translation: When the cat’s away – Council knocks off at 4:45 Friday afternoon

Headline: White House tried to manipulate threat level, says former DHS chief
Translation: Ridge is new CEO of Psychic Friends Network

Headline: Seattle schools mum on missing property
Translation: The dog ate it

Headline: Prisons Bureau says Madoff does not have cancer
Translation: Madoff cancels plans for transfer to Libya

Headline: Obama Reappoints Bernanke as Fed Chair
Translation: Averted Depression – avoided selling the chair at garage sale

Headline: Sanford Vows to Stay
Translation: Sanford vows to try to fall back in love with Southwest Airlines

Headline: Mariners sweep Oakland
Translation
: Bottom half of AL West has never been so tidy!

Headline: Ted Kennedy dead at 77
Translation: We could be in deep doo-doo

Headline: Conservatives cry foul on Kennedy legacy
Translation: Glenn Beck slams Kennedy for riding alone in low-MPG hearse

Headline: Frank Hanawalt, who expelled Jimi Hendrix, dies
Translation
: “Groups with guitars are on their way out,” principal said

Headline: Kennedy’s body takes final poignant tour
Translation: Dems search for next liberal lion- but it’s Bernie Sanders

Headline: Ted Kennedy to be buried Saturday at Arlington National Cemetery
Translation: Spirits of Joe, Jack and Bobby to pour bottle of Lagavulin on grave

Headline: Romney Not Interested in Kennedy’s Seat
Translation: How many minutes has Teddy been gone? Chillax, Mittens.

Headline: Boeing’s Tinseth – “We’re cautiously confident”
Translation: 787 “will probably stay aloft”

Great California garage sale

August 25, 2009 By: Frogette Category: California, Commerce, Economics, Government 6 Comments →

GarageSaleTransIf you’re looking for the “f-A-k-e. P.” logo here you’re not going to see it.  The great State of California really is running an online garage sale.  Gov. Schwarzenegger hopes to sell off extra vehicles from our state fleet, confiscated items, unused computers, desks and even an antique piano (?).  You see our guv figures if he signs these items, given his celebrity, they will be valuable and will bring much needed cash to the coffers of California.  He sure isn’t going to balance our budget the old fashioned way.  So he’s harnessed the power of eBay and Craigslist to move our junk.  So grab your pennies and stop by.  You never know when you’ll find a great deal on one of those nine Hummers parked out front of the governor’s mansion.

FDA recalls Republican Party – Contaminated by nuts

August 25, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 3 Comments →

The Food and Drug Administration has ordered a nationwide recall on the Republican Party after tests revealed the party to be contaminated by nuts. The agency took the unprecedented step after the GOP refused to issue a voluntary recall.

Rep. Brian Baird (Connecticut for Lieberman Party-WA) became one of the high profile victims, when he was forced to hold a town hall meeting-style forum on health insurance reform via teleconference.

“I used to be fine with nuts, I opposed withdrawing from Iraq and everything,” said Baird.

“But last week I had to go to my spin doctor with tightness in my throat. Imagine my surprise when he told me it was an anaphylactic reaction to nutjob dust,” he said. The contamination was traced to contacts with the many deathers in his 3rd Congressional District in southwest Washington.

Baird pledged that he would seek to have mental health parity included in any health reform legislation in the House.

An FDA spokesman urged the public to always inspect their political parties for nuts. “Last week we had this one guy, ate a half-cooked bildernutburger and came down with Mad Larouche Disease,” said Rick X. Frandle. He recommended that anyone with known sensitivity to nuts and nutjobs should stop consuming Republican ideas, and return the party’s products unopened to the manufacturer.

Dispatches From the Health Care Fiasco

August 24, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Government, Health, Rights 5 Comments →

A plethora of headlines from the most irrational, ‘no-brainer’ debate of our times:

GOP now wants ’superfilibuster’ for healthcare reform —  From the party that would have done away with the filibuster if they could have, comes a plan to de-legitimize the health care outcome if they don’t get their way.

Insurers admit 50,000 employees lobbying Congress to claim profits fair This is good, but taking the Goldman Sachs approach and getting one of their own as head of Health and Human Services would probably be better.

Fox furthers ‘death panel’ hysteria with ‘death book’ claim — When I make up the news, I at least tag it as humor or satire. When FOX makes up the news they have a ready make cabal of morons who apparently believe anything they’re told.

DeMint And Bachmann Call On States To Collectively Fight ObamaCare If Passed — DeMint and Bachmann are the sort of nutters for whom the 10th Amendment (‘reservation of un-enumerated powers to the states or to the people’) is only useful when it’s a power they approve of. Ask these ass-wipes how they feel about feel about 10th Amendment arguments supporting gay marriage.

And finally… A Commonwealth Fund report lays out for us the grim health care situation.  Insurance premiums, that doubled in  00’s, will double again by 2020.  In other words, you will soon be paying as much for your insurance as you pay for housing.  Chew on that, while these ‘Thuglican f*cks do their level best to keep the profits flowing into an industry that isn’t really interested in keeping you healthy anyway.

Another study into urban transport

August 22, 2009 By: Cartledge Category: Economics Comments Off on Another study into urban transport

Recent transport economic figures in Australia provide a horrifying view were mass transit falls short of delivering any real solutions. It is instructive to note that the greater LA area has a higher population than the whole Australian continent.

“traffic congestion is costing the Australian economy $12.8 billion a year and, without urgent action, will hit $30 billion a year in 2015.” Paralysed in commuter gridlock

Sydney ranges close to 4 million population, with many residents forced, by cost, to live beyond the transport infrastructure. “Sydney congestion this year at $4.58 billion – $12.5 million a day – and forecasts that will increase to $7.76 billion by 2020, or $21 million a day.” (IBID)

According to Sydney’s Lord Mayor, Clover Moore:
”The No. 1 infrastructure issue for Sydney is the need for new public transport and this has to be the priority for both state and national governments.
”What’s needed in Sydney is a massive expansion, particularly the suburban railway network and a high-capacity light rail system in the inner-city areas where congestion makes buses completely inadequate to the task of moving large volumes of passengers efficiently.”

Kvatch put the issue into perspective: Mass transit everywhere isn’t just AN alternative. It’s the ONLY alternative.

iNews Friday, 8/21/2009

August 21, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society 1 Comment →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: “Pods Off” – the real story of PRT in Daventry.
Translation: Avidor claims PRT really Muslim and invented in Kenya

Headline: Florida Panhandle warned of tropical storm threat.
Translation: Gov. Crist starts crocheting huge potholder.

Headline: Ahmadinejad plans female ministers in Iran cabinet.
Translation: Iran Ministry of Cabinet Catering created.

Headline: Shelby – Insurance co-ops worth looking at.
Translation: Senators accidentally set fire to co-ops with magnifying glass.

Headline: Robert Novak, Conservative Columnist, Is Dead at 78.
Translation: Died intellectually in late 1970s

Headline: ‘Public Option’ in Health Plan May Be Dropped.
Translation: Obama shoots self in foot, is wrestled to ground by Secret Service

Headline: Aggressive cougar near Leavenworth shot and killed by property owner.
Translation: Hollywood mourns Demi Moore.

Headline: myspace to Acquire ilike.
Translation: war on noun capitalization continues.

Headline: Reality star Ryan Jenkins flees onfoot to Canada.
Translation: Camera crews are never there when you need them.

Headline: Bachmann/Taitz 2012?
Translation: Suddenly, Taitz holds “Hawaiian” birth certificate.

Headline: Slain swimsuit model was missing fingers and teeth, authorities say.
Translation: Media never cared about her fingers and teeth before.

More of This – A Thousand Lawmakers…

August 20, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Health, Politics, Rights 4 Comments →

… saying to a thousand morons exactly
what Barney Frank is saying to this moron!

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