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Archive for September, 2009

Exit Stage Left

September 30, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Blogging, California, Personal 19 Comments →

A couple of weeks ago I promised that the ‘other shoe would drop’ sometime before the end of the month. Well…

The California experiment is over. What began with the Frogette saying, “I start a new job in San Francisco in July [1996]. Figure out how to get your little green ass out there,” has ended with the sale of our condo in preparation for the mother of all roadtrips.

Yes, on October 18th, these two frogs will take the mess that has become their lives on the road, around America, overseas…traveling until they decide they want to stop, or until the United States stops f*cking around and fixes the economy and the health-care situation, whichever comes first.

Have you ever said to yourself, “I’d like to lift a beer with Kvatch,” or “That Frogette…I want her at my next dinner party.” Well now is your chance! Let us know, and we’ll do our best to get to your neck of the woods for a pow-wow.

Be happy for us (really, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime); Wish us luck; Let us know you’d like to meet; But most of all stay tuned as ‘Casa de las Ranas’ hits the road.

Pimp My Ride – British Style

September 29, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Recreation, Transportation 5 Comments →

Shotguns, ammo, leather, and enough quality booze to ensure that you don’t end up actually killing anything—we present the “Holland & Holland” custom Range Rover by Overfinch. (Never let it be said that only Americans know to pimp a ride.)

Would you spend $24.95 on this book?

September 28, 2009 By: Frogette Category: Entertainment, Politics, Satire 11 Comments →

It was announced today that Sarah Palin, ex-Alaskan governor and would be Vice President has finished her memoirs and they will hit bookstores in November.  Just in time for the holiday rush folks.  You could get everyone on your list a copy of “Going Rogue:  An American Life” (personally I would have called it “Patriot Dames”).  A few questions though.  First, she can write?  Um, and she can read?  I can just imagine what this thing is going to sound like, “So I was lookin’ out my window there and I saw some Russians comin’ across the lawn and I said to Todd, Honey get your gun we’re goin’ huntin’”.  Heaven help us all.  I sure hope this thing winds up in the $5 pile at the local Borders.  I know I’m not paying to hear this woman talk.  If she wants to make money she’s going to have to get a real job, and stick with it this time!

We Get Mail

September 28, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Blogging, Humor 4 Comments →

Though we a lot of strange mail here at Casa de las Ranas, this one is stranger than most. Nonetheless, our new pen pal seems so earnest that we’ve included our reply at the end.

Dear Sir/Madam,

It is our utmost delight to approach you with this composition. We are a local Gold Mining based in Burkina-Faso Northern part and we are interested in contacting you for been our Business-Partner. Our organization started its operation for the past seven years and had been doing very well without any debt, which we hope of making more steps ahead for future reasons.

We have 18 and 22 and 24plus carats Dust Gold, powder and Rock Gold also white Gold, we will be very glad if you are to be our representative in your Continent where by any amount of our goods you want will be shipped to you main while you will have your percentage in any transaction inspire by you.

Our present rate is 75-100 kilos per month we believe this is good for a starting between us, We can also give you the better offer of selling our prices are negotiable, its depend on how you want it to be done, since both of us are in search of profits and life term relationship.

We are ready to ship to you any quantity of our goods you demanded for, kindly alert us when your mind is made up concern our proposal to you also when the shipment will be take place as soon as possible. If possible you can come for a visit to our mining gold site, write back soon so that we can execute this transaction with sincerity.

Looking forward to hear from you and contact me on this e-mail address:

modimesi.g@gmail.com
Managing Director,

Mr. Modimesi,

I be amphibian have fewerest brain cell than most human, suckers of finger, and slime. Bad partners we could make, and so I must rejecting you most general proposal.

Kindly Regardingness,

Kvatch

Glenn Beck gets key to city – Transcript

September 27, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Conspiracy, Humor, Media, Politics, Satire 3 Comments →

Thank you Mayor Norris, Walker, Texas Ranger is my favorite show ever.

Hello ladies, gentlemen and fans. Man, aren’t there a lot of six foot rabbits here today. It’s great to be back in Mount Vernon, my home town, out on the edge of the prairie.

And what a randy town you are! Painting tulips on the big smokestack like that; I’m also an art critic, so I know what the message is you’re trying to get across with tulips. On a smokestack.

Wow, the key to the city. Keys are really a randy thing too. Let me show you what I’m talking about. First slide, please.

Look at how this key is shaped. It’s long and slender with ripples on one side. It’s metal, which is hard. Yet not the hardest metal, so it’s soft. Something very familiar about that. Next slide.

What do you do with a key? You put it in a hole, don’t you? You slide it in, pull it out, slide it in, pull it out. You twist it, which is like screwing in a screw. It’s a sexual metaphor, I’ve given this a lot of thought, it’s so obvious. Next slide.

And do you have a different key for every door in your house? No, you probably have one key that you put in a lot of holes. That’s promiscuity. Next one.

Now look what’s written on this key: “Yale.” As in Yale University, one of the biggest centers of the liberal east coast intelligentsia. Next.

What happens when you turn that key? It unlocks stuff! It opens doors! Doors to home, doors to employment, doors to school, doors to your car, doors to your doctor’s office! Last slide.

ATM cards are like keys! You put it in a slot!

Look at this key, people! It has a secret message for you from the liberal intelligentsia. They’re telling you that having sex, promiscuous sex, is the key that opens doors to home ownership, work, education, a nice car, medical care, and wealth in general! God, I worry so much about the hidden messages liberals hide everywhere, it brings tears to my eyes.

You know what? I can’t believe I came back here for a filthy, dirty key. I’ve never been so insulted in my life. You can keep your damn key, Mister Mayor, and you can shove it in your hole!

And Clarence Gilyard Jr. was the best thing on that show.

Are we just bad hosts?

September 25, 2009 By: Frogette Category: International 7 Comments →

Both Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Mommar Gadhafi are in town this week talking crazy at the U.N.  Each expected a king’s welcome in the United States, booking out some of the most prestigious properties Manhattan has to offer.  Ahmadinejad wanted banquet space at both the Jumeirah Essex House and the New York Helmsley Hotel.  Gadhafi had even grander plans, hoping to pitch his Bedouin tent in Central Park, (he eventally settling on a piece of land leased to him by none other than hotelier/tycoon Donald Trump).  Both leaders have gotten the cold shoulder during their visit.  Turns out there are groups in New York exerting some serious pull who have convinced the hotels to disassociate from these unsavory characters.  Impressive to be sure, but at the same time doesn’t it just make us look inhospitable?  I thought that we were supposed to be all about, ‘creating a dialogue’ with these leaders.  That’s never going to happen if we treat people this way.  I mean, you still invite your crazy uncle to Thanksgiving dinner right?  Should we or shouldn’t we make an exception for rogue leaders?  What do you think?

iNews Friday – 1, 2, cha cha cha, 9/25/2009

September 25, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society No Comments →

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Police to get access to classified military intelligence
Translation: Bin Laden stopped for speeding near Anacortes, WA

Headline: Yes, Orly Taitz’s House of Cards IS Coming Down
Translation: Satan disbars Orly Taitz – “Even I have standards”

Headline: ACORN on the Run
Translation: Nuts go nuts for ACORN

Headline: Hasselhoff Rushed to Hospital for Alcohol Poisoning
Translation: “How did this water get in my vodka???”

Headline: AIG’s Payback to Taxpayers in Doubt
Translation: AIG Spent the $182 Billion on KY Jelly

Headline: $500,000 phone calls surprise Seattle pair
Translation: Pair not happy with their long distance company

Headline: DeLay’s daughter – “Vote early, vote often!”
Translation: 2 “Dancing” judges flee to Oklahoma to avoid quorum

Headline: Fox – Suburban NY Town Tells Qaddafi to Stop Pitching Tent
Translation: Limbaugh rises to defense of fellow ED sufferer

Headline: Obama warns Netanyahu, Abbas – I am losing patience.
Translation: Obama raises left eyebrow 3mm

Headline: Straight Porn Makes You Gay (Who Knew?)
Translation: Coburn aide shows kids clip of Tom DeLay dancing.

Headline: Injury Scare Threatens Tom DeLay’s “Dancing” Hopes
Translation: DeLay nursing old foot-in-mouth injury

Headline: Patrick Names Kirk to Replace Kennedy in Senate
Translation: Shatner arrested trying to enter Senate chamber

Headline: Netanyahu – No peace until Palestinians accept Israel as Jewish state
Translation: Netanyahu – No housewarming gift from Palestinians in 1948
Translation (Turbo mode): Palestine against Israel and Mideast living together
Translation (Overdrive mode): Guess who’s coming to seder

Headline: “I Want My Country Back”
Translation: Where it’s always been – Online geography course to help teabaggers locate US on a map

Banks Say “Please, No More Regulation”…

September 23, 2009 By: Kvatch Category: Commerce, Finance 4 Comments →

… the only way they know how, by throwing a tiny bone to consumers in the form of slightly (very slightly) less abusive practices.  But don’t be fooled. With Barney Frank (D-MA) breathing down their necks, Bank of America and Chase are going to do anything they can to keep additional restrictions of the CARD Act from being implemented early. In this case, they’ll remove some inconsequential automated overdraft fees in a bid to show what good corporate citizens they are:

New York-based JPMorgan said it made the changes, which include removing overdraft fees if a customer’s account is $5 or less overdrawn, in a bid to help its 25 million debit card customers amid the recession and rising U.S. unemployment levels.

— Reuters

Gee… $5!  Really? I suppose if I overdraw buying a Snicker’s bar I might benefit from this sop, but on anything else? Not bloody likely! And check this out:

…it [J.P. Morgan/Chase] will start recognizing debit-card transactions and cash withdrawals as they occur, according to the statement.

Oh…fabulous! My bank is going to stop deliberately lying about my account balance.

As excited as I am about my bank’s new found concern for my financial well-being, I can’t help but wonder how fast these silly changes will be withdrawn once consumers start using their credit again, once Barney Frank and his ilk find something else to focus on?

Fall TV – Creation Science Fiction Channel has faith in lineup

September 22, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Entertainment, Humor, Religion, Satire 3 Comments →

While other networks are scaling back with reality programming and even Jay Leno in prime time, one television operation is sticking to its formula. The Creation Science Fiction Channel’s new fall season is replete with moves that show it is keeping to its extremely conservative programming strategy.

It would have been ultra conservative, if not for the efforts of David King, CreSyFy’s less cautious Vice President for Program Development.

“There were some people on the board who wanted to show reruns,” King said. However, he managed to win approval for new prime-time episodes of the network’s scripture-based series, now four nights a week:

Cottage, MD. Cantankerous Dr. Cottage (Stephen Baldwin) has checked into a demonic possession treatment center, but resists exorcism.

Sky Trek. More adventures of Captain Kurt (Stephen Baldwin) and the crew of the dirigible Enterprise in the farthest reaches of the stratosphere. This season it bumps into the glass sphere around the earth that the stars are attached to.

Sex in the Old Testament City. Picking up where last season left off, Lot (Stephen Baldwin) offers his daughters to the Sodomites in order to protect Mr. Big (Kirk Cameron).

LDS: Miami. Willie Aames joins the cast as the new commander of the forensic missionary squad. Stephen Baldwin (LDS: New York) guests in the season opener.

Senator Who. The mysterious legislator (Stephen Baldwin) and his male companions journey through time and space in a closet that is bigger on the inside.

With the schedule set, King plans to go on vacation until the end of the season. “There won’t be any changes, since CreSyFy has a rule against things evolving,” King explained.

Ask an ex-governor: Late summer travel tips

September 21, 2009 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Conspiracy, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire, Travel 2 Comments →

by SARAH PALIN, Syndicated Columnist

by SARAH PALIN, Syndicated Columnist

Dear ex-governor,
With the kids away at college, the wife and I are thinking about taking a little vacation. Has the dollar rebounded enough to make Europe an affordable destination? Or are we looking at a stay-cation?
Signed, Roamin Holiday

Dear Roamin,
Whoa Nellie, the last thing you want right now is any travel abroad or internationally, such as to places where unplanned sickness and injury could expose you and your wife to socialized medical care at no cost to you — as well as the awful service because the death panels means there are no Europeans left to work as tour guides, cab drivers, waiters, chefs, concierges and chambermaids doggone it — and also too the availability of high speed intercity rail systems means you would miss out on all the joys of an American-style family car trip, such as the chance to buy tank after tank of unleaded — and don’t forget that everything in Europe is so old anyway and the streets are cramped, so why not just stay home in the good old US of A?

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