Impure thoughts
for complex times.

Search:  

Archive for March, 2010

Bush III Says, “Drill Baby Drill!”

March 31, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Energy, Environment, Politics, Texas 9 Comments →

In a move that will be remembered for its stunning level of cynical political calculation, the Obama administration has stated that it will restart oil exploration and drilling in the eastern Gulf, in the mid-Atlantic, and off of Alaska.  For those of you who may have forgotten, Bu$hCo did exactly the same thing on the cusp of the 2004 election except back then it was California and the Pacific Northwest that were going to be “re-opened” to oil exploration, ending almost 30 years of California having the final say over drilling off its coasts.

Now, setting aside issues of whether or not the US needs more oil, and focusing solely on the politics of this policy move, consider the states most affected by Bush III’s decision:  Alaska, Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida.  All are states that Obama can probably afford to lose in the next election.  In fact, with the exception of Florida, there’s little chance he’d carry any of them.  So why not tell the citizens of these states to “go f*ck themselves”.  It’s not like you’ll lose any electors over it, right?

Way to go “Third”!  Yes we can…screw the Red States, further f*ck up the environment, retard America’s movement toward a more energy-efficient, more sustainable society, and scratch the Big Oil’s back…all at the same time!

Trip to fetish club “was research to protect the homeland”

March 30, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: California, Humor, Politics, Satire 5 Comments →

The Republican Party consultant who was reimbursed nearly $2,000 for a trip to a bondage-themed Los Angeles nightclub said today the visit was legitimate political business. “It was research to protect the homeland,” said Erik Brown, president of a Southern California consulting firm.

According to Brown, he and several GOP donors went to Voyeur West Hollywood on a fact-finding mission to help inform Republican proposals regarding detention and interrogation of terrorism suspects.

“Republicans are running in the 2010 midterm elections on our national security credentials, but we need to make sure our thinking is state of the art,” said Brown, whose company specializes in direct male services for political campaigns.

“Fortunately, the doorman at our hotel said if we wanted to learn about how to restrain and punish those who misbehave, best practices can be found at the Voyeur,” he explained.


Inside the Voyeur club

Brown says the knowledge gained is worth the controversy it is generating. “What I’m doing is gathering new options for future Republican presidents to use against the terrorists. Al Qaeda knows all our current methods, because they’ve had years to study Abu Ghraib. They know we make captured terrorists wear women’s panties on their faces and put dog collars on them, and they train their operatives accordingly, especially in forming naked pyramids,” he said.

But Brown understands some Republicans may object to how the party is spending their donations, and has an apology. “I’m sorry,” he said, “if people think $1,946 is too much to pay to keep Americans safe.”

Mandatory Life In Prison For Cagers

March 30, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: California, Law, Transportation 3 Comments →

You know…it’s time we stopped screwing around when it comes to sentencing in murder cases that involve cars and trucks. It boils down to this: If you’re stupid enough, arrogant enough, or irresponsible enough to use a multi-ton vehicle as a weapon, then when you’re convicted you should spend the rest of your life in jail…PERIOD! No appeal, no extenuating circumstances, go straight the clink and rot there for the rest of your f*cking life!

Take the case of Monica Mercado, recently given a 32 years to life sentence in Compton, California for running down a pregnant rival for her boyfriend’s affections. This bitch will probably be out of prison and back in an SUV in 15 or 16 years—not even enough time to serve as a decent deterrent.

Frankly, if it were up to me, I’d take ever case of vehicular manslaughter and prosecute it as murder first, letting the circumstances as presented at trial dictate whether or not the charge should be reduced. That would deal with two big problems we have with how cagers treat pedestrians: 1) The fact that most people exercise no more restraint—no more responsibility—with their cars than they would if they were on foot or even on a bike; 2) The fact that most states have ludicrous and complex sets of rules about when the use of a car as a weapon constitutes murder and when it does not. Plain fact is, if every pedestrian/car encounter that results in a death is treated as a potential murder, cagers will have to think twice about how they drive.

Tea Party leader – “doing all we can to end big government” by using as much of its services as possible

March 29, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Government, Humor, Politics, Satire 3 Comments →

A Tea Party founder said today that his movement’s fight against big government is succeeding. TeaParty.org president Dale Robertson also denied ever reading racist signs at Tea Party protest rallies.

“We are doing all we can to end big government by signing up for all the government handouts we can,” Robertson told Geuters news service.

“A socialist government needs money to exist, we can kill it by by using as much of its services as possible and draining all the money out of it,” he said.

“Social Security, Medicare, food stamps, and unemployment benefits — especially unemployment– Americans who love their country should sign up to overload all these collectivist programs and bankrupt them,” Robertson said.

Robertson went on to advise patriotic Americans to use food stamps to purchase meat. “The USDA can only check so much meat for E. coli. What we want is to buy more meat than government’s capacity to inspect, forcing it to admit defeat and shut down food safety,”

The former Marine said he was already fighting the government takeover of health care by using Veterans Administration single-payer medical services as much as possible. “I am also taking a stand against the socialist bailout that saw government take over too big to fail insurance companies like AIG. I’m burning things down and filing claims,” he said, explaining the tactic has the added benefits of straining collectivist fire departments, and clogging the collectivist public street system with emergency vehicles.

Robertson said he drew inspiration from President Ronald Reagan in designing his anti-big government strategy: “Back before President George W. Bush privatized a lot of the military, Reagan poured billions into single-payer defense spending, forcing the Soviet Union to overspend on its collectivist military. This brought an end to the Cold War.”


Robertson
Admits Tea Party movement is illiterate

“Washington is going to get our message that socialism benefits no one, loud and clear,” Robertson said confidently.

Robertson also reacted to critics who have called the Tea Party movement racist. “I have never read a racist sign at a Tea Party rally, nor do I know anyone who has. We’re all basically illiterate,” he said.

In other news, House Minority Leader John Boehner said today that he is among the millions of Americans who could be made penniless due to the new tax on tanning parlors imposed by the new health care overhaul.

AT&T’s Solution To Crap Reception…

March 29, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Commerce, Technology 7 Comments →

…and an overburdened network?

Make you pay $150.00 for a range extender that also shifts your cellular data traffic onto the Internet. Way to go AT&T! Great solution for your inability to estimate capacity and being completely inept when it comes to building out infrastructure.

iNews Friday, 3/26/2010

March 26, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Formaldehyde found in designer clothes
Translation: Secret of well-preserved celebrities revealed

Headline: Stupak called ‘baby-killer’ on House floor
Translation: Republican shouts-out his lunch order

Headline: Obama allies target bank reform after health care win
Translation: “Obama forcing you to keep money in bank,” GOP claims

Headline: Texas Republican says he shouted ‘baby killer’
Translation: Neugebauer surprises nation – Uses two-syllable words

Headline: GOP State Officials to Try Blocking Healthcare Law in Court
Translation: GOP sends Obstruction down to AAA ball

Headline: Sarah Palin travel show coming to Discovery
Translation: Cable channel changing name to Incurious.

Headline: Bricks Shatter Windows At Rep. Louise Slaughter’s Office
Translation: Teabaggers hold 1st annual Kkkristallnacht

Headline: Bitter melon extracts can cure breast cancer
Translation: Use found for vegetable that already tastes like medicine

Headline: Bullet that hit Cantor’s office ‘randomly fired skyward’
Translation: Dick Cheney hunting nearby

Be Prepared

March 24, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Law, Satire, Society 4 Comments →

Portland (f-A-ke. P.) —

Today representatives of the Boy Scouts of America vigorously defended their organization against charges that they have systematically covered up allegations of sexual abuse of scouts for decades.  When asked about the widely publicized civil case against Timor Dykes, an assistant scoutmaster in Portland accused of molesting a young man in the 1980’s, a BSoA representative said:

As you all know, the Boy Scouts of America would never allow a lesbian to be a scoutmaster. Therefore this case is obviously without merit.

In response to a question about the so-called “perversion files” that may be introduced into evidence at the Dykes trial, the representative muttered, “…f*cking clerical error! Somebody wasn’t ‘prepared’…,” before quickly leaving the press conference.

Gingrich calls health care overhaul elitist – Doesn’t cover legal fees for cancer ward divorces

March 23, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Government, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 4 Comments →

Former Congressman Newt Gingrich today blasted the nation’s health care overhaul legislation, calling it elitist.

The former House Speaker’s remarks came only minutes after President Obama signed the measure into law in a White House ceremony.

“I’m opposed to this elitist legislation, which does nothing to help with the crushing legal fees of the tens of thousands of assholes who would serve divorce papers on their wives who are in post-op recovering from cancer surgery,” Gingrich told Fawn Craven this morning on the Fox News program Craven Journalism.

“The reality today is that only rich assholes can afford to divorce sick wives, whether with cancer or some other disease. Insurers should be required to cover divorce expenses of poor assholes too — trading up to a trophy wife should not be based on income, not in my America,” Gingrich said

Gingrich said he would work to repeal health care reform, and seek to have it replaced with a more comprehensive reform that would include federal subsidization of alimony payments.

Don’t Mess With Texas

March 23, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Environment, Health, Texas 16 Comments →

This is a telling little graphic.  It shows the relative levels of industrial mercury emissions in the United States.  Notice how the scale stops at 6,000 Lbs/year…with one exception:  The Lone Star State—a state that needs a category all its own to cover the mind boggling 11,722 Lbs of mercury it dumps into the environment; an amount almost double that of the next highest polluter; per-capita, 178 times more mercury than California manages to produce.

One wonders if Texas’ prick of a Governor, Rick Perry, is proud of this little statistic.  On more than one occasion, he has trumpeted Texas’ disregard for existing, and opposition to new, federal pollution control regulations.

So don’t mess with Texas, or state officials will come to your home and dump your share of toxic mercury right on your front lawn.

Obama, Pelosi pay $2500 for $500 Dodge van – Plan summer Apology Tour

March 22, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Government, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

President Barack Obama and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi followed yesterday’s passage of federal health care reform legislation by purchasing a 1985 Dodge Astrovan for $2500. The van was put up for sale for $500 in the Washington Post classifieds by Ms. Ina Surance of Hartford, Connecticut.

Obama and Pelosi will use the van during a June nationwide Apology Tour — two weeks driving from Washington, DC to California, stopping along the way to apologize to the Democratic base for the health care overhaul, which:

  • lacks a public option
  • mandates Americans to buy health insurance from for-profit companies
  • subsidizes coverage by giving taxpayer dollars to insurance companies
  • fails to repeal antitrust immunity for insurance companies, and
  • does not bar preexisting conditions for group insurance plans, and
  • leaves intact the geographic disparity in Medicare reimbursement rates

This morning Obama and Pelosi went before the Washington press corps to celebrate the van deal. Obama described his negotiating strategy: “When I saw the van was $500, I immediately offered Ms. Surance $600. When she said $500 was all it was worth, I kept bidding it up until finally she agreed to accept five times her asking price,” Obama said.

The Speaker agreed it was a good compromise. “We could have taken the Amtrak public option, coast to coast for $524 in USA Rail Passes. Except Rahm Emanuel agreed with Mitch McConnell beforehand that we wouldn’t do that,” she said.

Listed on BlogShares