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Archive for March, 2010

Giveaway To ‘Big Insurance’ Passes House

March 22, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Government, Health, Kleptocracy 4 Comments →

You can sum up the so-called “health bill” that passed the House last night in one sentence:

Mandatory insurance is NOT universal care!

…no matter what that asswipe Obama or the corporate cronies in the Democratic Party say.

This bill is a f*cking disaster.  It’s an enormous giveaway to Aetna, Cigna, and Wellpoint that will do little to improve the health situation for those 25 – 32 million people who’ll be forced to buy private insurance in public exchanges.  Did you see the part of the bill that details the quality of coverage in these ‘plans of last resort’?  No?  Probably because it’s not there!  Likewise, the ability to exclude based on pre-existing conditions isn’t gone.  It’s just been delayed in order to force more people into the exchanges where insurance companies can offer crap coverage with crippling deductibles at high rates.

About the only good thing in this bill are the industry targets for how much of premiums must be spent on actual care.  But that doesn’t go far toward mitigating the reality of this bill:  The party, that at every stage voiced their support for a ‘public option’, did everything in their power to ensure that no such option ever made it into this bill.

Long story short:  Obama, Pelosi, and Reid screwed us and gave the insurance industry more than it could ever have hoped for from the GOP.

iNews Friday, 3/19/2010

March 19, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Media, Politics, Satire 4 Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Clarence Thomas’s wife launches a Tea Party group
Translation: Inflatable Wanda concerned about price deflation

Headline: Plane Hits, Kills Man Walking on SC Beach
Translation: Jenny Sanford hits almost-ex-husband during flying lesson

Headline: Frustrated Thai “red shirts” press ahead with rally
Translation: Red Shirts protest high Away Team casualty rates

Headline: Obama marks St. Patrick’s Day at the Capitol
Translation: Congressional staffers celebrate cancellation of Massa’s annual pinching-party

Headline: 40000-Year-Old Tools Found at Construction Site
Translation: History’s longest coffee break unearthed

Headline: President Obama sits down with Fox News Channel
Translation: Knock-knock // Who’s there? // Interrupting cow // Interrupting c- // This is Bret Baier of Fox News and I have a question…

GOP declares itself March Madness favorite – “We are the maddest of all” says Bachmann

March 18, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Politics, Satire, Sports 3 Comments →

The Republican Party surprised the collegiate basketball world today, when it declared itself the favorite to win this month’s ‘March Madness.’

“If this is about who’s the most insane, it’s a slam dunk for Republicans because we are the maddest of all,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, the party’s go-to person on derangement issues.

Bachmann touted head coach Michael Steele’s completely insane starting lineup, which has no forwards or center.

The squad’s chief playcaller is Sarah “Death Panels” Palin, who writes all the plays on her hand. She gave up her final year of eligibility at Alaska in order to be drafted in 2008.

Palin is joined in the back court by John “The Tan” Boehner, who once forgot that health care reform bills have passed both the House and Senate.

Then there’s the totally nuts Sen. Jim Bunning from Kentucky, who tried to cut off the unemployment and COBRA benefits of hundreds of thousands of registered voters. He is so popular fans mobbed him as he tried to enter his private elevator, which does not go all the way to the top.

Bunning often feeds the ball to Arizona’s John “Loopy” Kyl, who thinks unemployment benefits make people less likely to look for work.

Finally there is “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann herself, a second-term outpatient from Minnesota who has called for revolution, is suspicious of the Census, and is currently accusing the media of treason.

The GOP also thinks its bench gives it an advantage, deep with senators who play killer defense on health care reform, and House members who can’t bring themselves to call Joseph Stack a terrorist. New sixth man discovery Bob Marshall of Virginia — who says birth defects are God’s punishment for women who aborted their first pregnancies — adds extra delusion to Coach Steele’s playbook.

Assistant Coach Lamar Alexander also brings experience, handing clean sheets of paper to Steele for the hand-tooled leather and diamond-studded Gucci playbook.

The one question mark is veteran Ron Paul, a fan favorite who nonetheless is in Steele’s doghouse and seen his playing time dwindle to nothing.

The Democratic Party had expected to be highly seeded this year, but has seen its March Madness hopes disappear in the past three weeks after both James Traficant and Eric Massa quit the team. Head coach Barack “The Big O” Obama hopes health care reform with no public option is just insane enough to make Democrats this year’s Cinderella squad.

Tyranny of the Minority Crackers

March 17, 2010 By: Kvatch Category: Education, Politics, Texas 10 Comments →

Last week the Texas Education Board—an organization packed with conservative crackers—approved a slew of textbook changes that will go a long way toward turning your children into morons ignorant of their own nation’s history.  Jefferson is gone in favor of even more Reagan than was already in the books.  Joseph McCarthy gets rehabilitated while the separation of church and state gets excised.  But what should really stick in your craw was the explanation that board chairman, Don McLeroy, gave for turning history texts into reactionary nonsense:

All we are doing is reflecting what has actually happened in the country… Somebody has got to stand up the experts.

Professor Larry Schweikart, an ardent Reagan apologist, went even further commenting on Fox News that textbook authors, “…all tend to come from New York, Boston, Washington and Philadelphia giving them a drastically different viewpoint from the rest of America.”

And herein lies the problem.  Social conservatives consistently and successfully push the fiction that somehow their twisted viewpoint is the majority opinion in America, polls, population, and votes notwithstanding.  As Sarah Palin frequently opines:  The coasts, the Northeast, and the rust-belt, despite their enormous population advantage over the Midwest and South, simply don’t exist.  They’re not part of ‘real America’.

So…if you live in one of those blue areas, the areas that represent about 58% of the US population, best get your children in touch with their inner ‘Reagan-lover’ because as Texas goes so goes the nation.

Journey rushed to hospitals after Democrats stop believin’

March 15, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Politics, Satire, Society 4 Comments →

Current and past members of the 1970s-80s supergroup Journey were separately rushed to hospitals Friday after millions of Democrats stopped believin’. Doctors say supporters of President Obama stopped holding on to the feelin’ after Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated she would not insert the public option into health care reform reconciliation legislation now in the House.

In his Saturday weekly radio and internet address, President Obama urged streetlights, people hold on.

The end of believin’ sent shockwaves up and down the boulevard between the White House and Capitol Hill. Democrats, neighbors and strangers from coast to coast who have been waiting for real health care reform vented their displeasure at the White House and Democratic Congressional leaders, jamming switchboards of progressive talk radio and overloading servers of Daily Kos and Huffington Post.

Signs that Journey was being affected became public after former lead singer Steve Perry was admitted to South Detroit Medical Center suffering from extremely bad vibes. Shortly afterward reports circulated that guitarist Neil Schon, drummer Steve Smith and bassist Randy Jackson were in California emergency rooms suffering from similar symptoms.

“The acute musician senses picked up on Democratic disillusionment that is sweeping the country,” said Dr. Maya Ize of the National Institutes of Rock & Roll Health. “The increase in people not believin’ was too much negative energy for current and former Journey members, resulting in a rise of bad vibes to near-toxic levels,” Dr. Ize said.

Health care reform activists regretted the impact on Journey, but said Democrats have stopped believin’ in President Obama’s health care reform effort. “We were believin’ Obama when he campaigned on health care reform and the public option,” said Franklin Delano Frandle, spokesman for People for the Unethical Treatment of Insurance Companies, a group favoring a single payer system.

“But after more than a year of delay in Washington, we no longer have open arms for the Obama approach. We fear a deal has been made in a smokey room between Congress and insurance lobbyists,” he said, adding: “citizens facing escalating insurance rates can’t afford to pay anything to roll the dice.”

Independent Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont agrees on the need for a public option. “Without a public option it won’t be real reform. Some will win, some will lose, and some will sing the blues,” said Sanders.

“There has to be a public insurance option to compete with private insurance, otherwise this midnight train isn’t goin’ anywhere,” he said.

In other news, the woman at the center of the John Edwards scandal says she is penniless. In a photo spread for GQ, Rielle Hunter revealed how Elizabeth Edwards has actually sued Hunter’s pants off.

A flight of fancy

March 14, 2010 By: Cartledge Category: Uncategorized 2 Comments →

Australia launched a new set of postage stamps last week, one of them featuring the rural fly spot I now regard as home. I’ve no idea of the actual population of Mia Mia, or neighbouring Redesdale in Victoria. The census lumps them together and they still don’t reach the base reporting number of 300 souls. But fascinating souls if the district can warrant a postage stamp.

The stamp set celebrates a century of flight in Australia, and in 1910 the local Duigan Brothers flew the first plane designed and built in this country. Harry Houdini actually beat them in the first flight stakes, but in a plane he brought here from France. He also left it here, having had his fill of barnstorming.

So one hundred years on another aviation story nocked the history right out of the headlines – THE massive Joint Strike Fighter project is going to be delayed and cost more, the US Deputy Secretary of Defence Bill Lynn says. The relevance is that Australia plans eventually to purchase 100 of the fifth-generation stealth warplanes at a cost of about $16 billion.

With healthcare also on the agenda in Australia and the USA the cost for these toys raises to an estimated $US112 per unit some interesting questions arise. For a start, if it is suggested our countries can afford hundreds of these obscene machines of destruction why is it so difficult to contemplate provision of effective universal health care?

These unrelated concepts tend to coalesce in a mind almost devoid of human engagement, with sheep, kangaroos and cockatoos sort of un-numbering people here by a wide margin. Perhaps the policy makers know something beyond my understanding.

iNews Friday – Frakky Friday edition, 3/12/2010

March 12, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Humor, Politics, Satire, Society 2 Comments →

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline:: California State Senator Announces He’s Gay After DUI Arrest
Translation: Fox & Friends- “DUI makes you gay!”

Headline: Massa says he was forced out so that Democrats can pass health care
Translation: And?

Headline: Former congressman Massa says Democrats set him up over health care
Translation: “Baltar set me up! It was Baltar!”

Headline: Massa exits in a blaze of verbiage
Translation: Much of it Caprican
Translation (Turbo mode): “Terminally ill naked drunk insurance lobbyist set me up, the frakker.”

Headline: Massa was investigated for allegedly groping male staffers
Translation: “Thought I was holding Viper control stick”

Headline: Moderate Drinking Linked to Weight Control
Translation: Conservative drinking leads to outing oneself after DUI stop

Headline: Massa- ‘I Forced Myself Out’ of Congress
Translation: Massa- ‘I outed myself’

Headline: Brown lands HarperCollins for memoir
Translation: To be titled “Going Roguer: Electric Boogaloo”
Translation (Turbo mode): Will be a ‘pictorial’, nudge-nudge

Headline: Have GOP, Democrats finally hit bottom?
Translation: Massa admits groping bottom

GOP lines up to back new Afghanistan strategy – “Time to start over with a clean occupation”

March 11, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Politics, Satire 2 Comments →

With fighting approaching its ninth year and operations against insurgents entering a new phase, Republicans in Congress today launched a new effort to reform U.S. policy on Afghanistan.

“It’s time to start over with a clean occupation plan,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, the minority leader.

“The American people don’t want the president’s costly, complicated plan. What we need is to find what Republicans and defense contractors agree on and proceed step by step, in a bipartisan fashion,” McConnell said.

Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee also stated the need for cooperation. “Now see here, I, I say, instead of trying to strike di-rectly at Taliban insurgents, we should go step by step, boy, stopping to re-view each move in a series of committee hearings. It’s time to reset the number of tours our troops have served in Afghanistan to ze-ro, and start over with a clean occupation plan, I do de-clare.”

In the House, GOP whip Eric Cantor likened President Obama’s Afghanistan policy to a strategy game he tried to learn when he was a quiet, science-fiction loving teenager in Richmond, Virginia. “What we have now is like that game Risk. Infantry, cavalry and artillery, routes and territories — it’s way too complicated.”

“It’s time to clear the board and throw all the cards and gamepieces on the floor — start over by rolling the dice and going step by step with a clean occupation plan,” Cantor said.

In a related story, House minority leader John Boehner attacked the White House’s proposal to seek out defense waste and fraud using a network of undercover citizen investigators, posing as arms buyers. Boehner called the idea “a government takeover of the military.”

“The American people like the Blackwater they have and want to keep it. What the people want is to control costs, and to do that we need more private, market-based solutions for defense,” said the Ohio lawmaker. Citing tort reform as an example of a way to lower the cost of frivolous lawsuits against firms whose employees rape fellow employees, Boehner announced plans to lead a fact finding mission to Iraq. “I hear the tanning there is excellent,” he said.

Shock! Limbaugh backs health care reform

March 09, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: Health, Humor, Media, Politics, Satire 7 Comments →

Radio host Rush Limbaugh endorsed the Democratic health care reform legislation in Congress yesterday, surprising listeners and winning praise from liberals.

“If this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented — I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” the conservative talker told a caller to his program.

Support for reform in the House and Senate immediately shot up, as members were deluged by constituent phone calls and emails urging they take Limbaugh up on his offer.

A snap poll taken last night by Stan Dardeviasian of Dardeviasian Opinion Research showed that after Limbaugh said he would leave the country, public support for health care reform increased to 80 percent — up from 65 percent last Friday.

“Rush Limbaugh has finally given the American people something they can agree on about health care reform, providing the final push to get it over the top,” said an obviously pleased House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“Thanks to Rush, we now have an overwhelming majority in both houses of Congress, we should have this wrapped up by the end of the day,” she said.

In recognition of Limbaugh’s support, Pelosi said the reconciliation bill would be renamed the Buy The Big Fat Idiot A Ticket On An Omnibus to Costa Rica Act.

Palin quits Iditarod

March 08, 2010 By: ERITAS News Service Category: History, Humor, Politics, Rights, Satire, Sports 4 Comments →

Sarah Palin dropped out of the 2010 Iditarod today, earning her the distinction of being the first former Alaska Governor to quit the storied 1,100 mile endurance challenge.

Palin’s withdrawal comes after two days of disappointments out on the route. Palin was delayed on Saturday in Anchorage when her number one and two dogs Levi and Bristol ran off into the woods together for two hours. As a result the race had to be restarted Sunday.

After the restart Palin failed to shoot any wolves from her sled. “The terrain was unsportsmanlike by being so bumpy that I couldn’t get off a clean shot at any of them dontcha know,” she said Sunday afternoon via satellite phone.

Soon after that Palin was again delayed, this time by a crew from Dog Fancy magazine who had come to photograph Levi for the April centerfold.

Palin suffered another setback Sunday evening when perspiration blurred the directions she had written on her hand. As a result she took a wrong turn in the dark near Yentna Station and fell into last place.

“This is too hard, I quit,” Palin radioed to race officials this morning.

However, the Iditarod will not be a total loss for Palin. She has received a $1.25 million advance from HarperCollins to write a book about how to win the Iditarod, and she gets to keep all the musher apparel and equipment provided by Loki, Go, Neos, and Archie McPhee.

And Bristol is expecting puppies.

In other news, Senator John McCain today explained his decision to include dead people among the signatories of a letter opposing an end to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on gays in the military. “I’m a big supporter of seance,” said the four term Arizona lawmaker. “Our nation has produced many great military leaders like George McClellan, George Armstrong Custer, Bill Westmoreland, and my old navy buddy Matt Perry. Why should we limit ourselves to the opinions of the living, when at stake is whether our men in uniform are comfortable in the showers?”

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