From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator —

Headline: Michael Steele, First African-American Leader to Chair RNC
Translation: Palin lavishes praise on “Mike The Black Guy”

Headline: Iran launches first successful satellite
Translation: Feed from Death To Great Satan Sports Network interrupted five times a day when satellite must point toward Mecca

Headline: Private sector sheds 522,000 jobs
Translation: “Gummint don’t create no jobs,” chant the dittoheads

Headline: Obama set to sign children’s health insurance initiative
Translation: AARP pushes “Life Begins at 60″ Constitutional amendment

Headline: Conservative Groups Declare Obama’s Stimulus Bill a War on Prayer
Translation: Conservative Groups Preferred Bush-Cheney War on Muslim Prayer

Headline: Fire damages historic Chicago church
Translation: FOX says Jeremiah Wright’s Preaching Too Fiery

Headline: Palin hits back at Judd
Translation: O’Reilly calls for Sarah Palin-Ashley Judd foxy-boxing match

Headline: Cheney Warns Of New Attacks
Translation: Cheney’s fake attack claims called “funniest since Redd Foxx”

Headline: North Korea may test-fire missile toward Japan-media
Translation: Kim Jong-Il not a fan of anime, weird game shows

Headline: Bitter cold settles over southeast U.S.
Translation: Southern Congressmen haven’t turned backs on Obama, just huddled around barrel fire

Headline: Obama – Executives Won’t Be Rewarded for Failure
Translation: George W. Bush loses federal pension

Headline: Raccoons Invade White House Grounds
Translation: Masked wildlife dubbed “The Plumbers” – Largest animals nicknamed Liddy, McCord and E. Howard

Headline: USA Swimming Suspends Phelps for 3 Months
Translation: Phelps warned not to bogart bong in future

Headline: Berlusconi Acts to Keep ‘Italy’s Terri Schiavo’ Alive
Translation: Hannity enrolls in crash Italian class, plans month-long Hannity & Hannity remote — “What’s Italian for ’smuggle her a sandwich’?”