From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Police to get access to classified military intelligence
Translation: Bin Laden stopped for speeding near Anacortes, WA

Headline: Yes, Orly Taitz’s House of Cards IS Coming Down
Translation: Satan disbars Orly Taitz – “Even I have standards”

Headline: ACORN on the Run
Translation: Nuts go nuts for ACORN

Headline: Hasselhoff Rushed to Hospital for Alcohol Poisoning
Translation: “How did this water get in my vodka???”

Headline: AIG’s Payback to Taxpayers in Doubt
Translation: AIG Spent the $182 Billion on KY Jelly

Headline: $500,000 phone calls surprise Seattle pair
Translation: Pair not happy with their long distance company

Headline: DeLay’s daughter – “Vote early, vote often!”
Translation: 2 “Dancing” judges flee to Oklahoma to avoid quorum

Headline: Fox – Suburban NY Town Tells Qaddafi to Stop Pitching Tent
Translation: Limbaugh rises to defense of fellow ED sufferer

Headline: Obama warns Netanyahu, Abbas – I am losing patience.
Translation: Obama raises left eyebrow 3mm

Headline: Straight Porn Makes You Gay (Who Knew?)
Translation: Coburn aide shows kids clip of Tom DeLay dancing.

Headline: Injury Scare Threatens Tom DeLay’s “Dancing” Hopes
Translation: DeLay nursing old foot-in-mouth injury

Headline: Patrick Names Kirk to Replace Kennedy in Senate
Translation: Shatner arrested trying to enter Senate chamber

Headline: Netanyahu – No peace until Palestinians accept Israel as Jewish state
Translation: Netanyahu – No housewarming gift from Palestinians in 1948
Translation (Turbo mode): Palestine against Israel and Mideast living together
Translation (Overdrive mode): Guess who’s coming to seder

Headline: “I Want My Country Back”
Translation: Where it’s always been – Online geography course to help teabaggers locate US on a map

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