A sampling of recent output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Pacquiao Says He Plans to Sue for Defamation
Translation: Also suing for mispronunciation

Headline: Nestle rebuked by the FDA for misleading labeling
Translation: Must now be pronounced ‘nessel’

Headline: Tiger Woods gets the Annie Leibovitz treatment for Vanity Fair
Translation: Woods repossessed by Liebovitz’s creditors

Headline: Quist – Beating Dems Bigger Than Fighting Terrorists
Translation: Quist delivers 3 hour speech in German

Headline: Accused Holocaust shooter Von Brunn dies in prison hospital
Translation: Never realized dream of dying in Spandau

Headline: Dodd, Dorgan will not seek reelection
Translation: Wrong Connecticut, North Dakota senators retire

Headline: EPA tightens smog standards
Translation: Limbaugh may only eat refried beans Tuesdays, Thursdays and alternate Saturdays

Headline: The Nexus One’s Seduction Secret
Translation: Best. Vibrate. Setting. Ever.
Translation (Turbo mode): Huge growth projected in cellphone sanitizer jobs

Headline: NJ Senate defeats gay marriage bill
Translation: Vote was 14 Aayy, 20 Fuggedaboutit

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