Category Archives: Peace

Cheney – Norway seeking long-range award launch capability

Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney gave the White House some free foreign policy advice today, warning of a grave new threat to non-peace.

In his first public comments since the Nobel Peace Prize attack of October 9, Cheney said he had informed President Obama that Norway constituted a clear and present danger to America.

“Norway has become the number one threat to the status quo of fear and the war mentality,” said Cheney.

“I warned everyone this would happen if they elected Obama,” he added.

Cheney said the northern European Islamic group al-Nobel has been behind many cases of peace recognition around the world. Now, he says, the 10/9 attack may be just the first in a new wave of peace.

“My secret intelligence source, Blue Ball, says the five-member al-Nobel cell in Oslo has taken control of the Norwegian government,” explained Cheney.

“Even now they are trying to develop a long-range award launch capability. At present, Peace Prize winners must journey to Oslo to accept the award. But a long-range system would let them deliver Peace Prizes anywhere in the homeland,” Cheney said.

A senior former Defense Department official who requested anonymity confirmed Cheney’s information. “Heavens to Betsy, the fact we can’t see any evidence of a long-range al-Nobel capability means it must employ stealth technology,” the source said.

For his part, Cheney is resolute in his desire to alert Americans to the growing Norwegian threat. “We have to attack them now, before we get Peace Prized again.”

Dear Mr. President

I know that you must be very busy these days picking out a suit for your inauguration, trying to figure out how to keep your girls out of public school and keep your liberal cred, and just generally spreading HOPE everywhere you go. And let’s face it after almost 2 years of campaigning you probably really need a nap. Hear me out though. Here at Casa la Rana we have some suggestions for your new administration. This is just an off the cuff wish list of things I’d like to see in the next 4 years.

  • First and foremost I want peace. Get us out of Iraq and Afghanistan and don’t even think about invading any place else for at least your first 6 months in office.
  • A federal constitutional amendment recognizing gay marriage. Frankly I’m tired of voting about this in every other California election only to have my vote overturned by outstaters.
  • Some economic stability. Stop paying those Wall Street assholes their bonuses and help the American people to stay in their homes. Oh and fire Paulson, he’s king asshole.
  • An investment and a long term strategy for alternative fuels. This could be California’s next boom. Besides it would solve so many problems!
  • Health care. Fairly distributed, decently priced and untaxed. Healthy Americans benefit everyone. They live longer, better, and are more productive.

Thanks for listening. Look, I know you’re going to do great. I mean, hell, how could you possibly be worse than that last guy?!



None dead in non-shooting – Liberal doesn’t open fire in church

Tragedy was avoided at an ultra-conservative Kentucky church on Sunday, when an emotionally balanced liberal did not shoot and kill members of the fundamentalist congregation.

Church spokesman John Threesixteen smiled and paused his Tivo in mid-700 Club when reporters called Monday with questions about Norm Descript, a registered Democrat from Louisville.

“We were somewhat concerned when he pulled into the parking lot in his Saab 9000. We don’t get a lot of Obama bumper stickers here,” said Threesixteen.

“I talked to Mr. Descript following the worship service, and he said he was just curious about us, and wanted to reach out to conservatives. To each his own, I guess,” Threesixteen said.

Threesixteen said Descript did not snap, scream, draw a weapon, or fire shots of any kind.

Police did not find a note in Descript’s vehicle expressing anger over the “conservative movement” and its intolerance of gay couples, among other things.

Officers who went to Descript’s home following the non-shooting found books by the Dalai Lama, Noam Chomsky and Al Franken.

In other news, Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) was indicted today on corruption charges. A Washington grand jury issued the indictment concerning false statements Stevens made about an oil services company in Alaska, and a series of Internet tubes installed in his home.

Peace Trading Credits

As the second publication of the Global Peace Index Rankings was released this week a few interesting thoughts began to surface. Well a list is great, and we really enjoy seeing the US hovering around 97. But it isn’t quite as simple as that.

Just having a list tells us nothing we don’t already know. What we need to do is establish peace trading credits to offset the obvious discrepancies in all this. Good luck to Iceland (#1); but who are they relying on to defend them from an aggressive takeover from Nauru?

Nauru don’t even feature on the list, but just think about the carnage the inhabitants of this rock (sans its wealth of bird shit) could visit on peaceful Iceland if the US, or even #11 Canada were not keeping them apart. Nauru isn’t short of money, but a bit of inhabitable land would be a real boon while they wait for a few hundred years of guano to build up.

The point is, we have an opportunity to emulate the incredible success of carbon trading here. It’s not even a cynical exercise (anymore); being brokers for a dubious crock of shit is considered the mark of a valued world citizen now.

I’m sure others are lining up to make brokering peace credits the next big market. Peace brothers and sisters, and let’s get our bid in.

Honorable, But Not Honorable Enough

You gotta wonder…

Parade sponsor Bremerton Area Chamber of Commerce turned down an application from the North Olympic chapter of Vets for Peace, claiming the entry’s message contradicts the mandate of the armed forces and advances a political, religious or social issue, according to a rejection notice that the group received Sunday.

If the mandate of the armed forces is not to ‘achieve the peace’, then I sure wish the Bremerton Area CoC would explain exactly what they think that mandate is. In fact, I suspect that most vets are in favor of peace. When you’ve experienced war close up, I’ll bet it gives you tremendous appreciation, respect, and desire for peace.

“I think it’s silly for this to become an issue and for them to hijack an honorable day,” [Armed Forces Festival Chairman, Cris Larsen] said.

Ah…an “honorable day”. One where veterans who believe in peace are not welcome because they’re…not honorable? Not honorable enough? Maybe the Armed Forces Festival chairman and his committee should recuse themselves from participating in the parade. Seems to me we know who’s really honorable in this situation, and who is not.