Category Archives: California

Why California Sucks

I have an admission, the Frogette and I took a lot of cr*p from our friends, family, and colleagues when we decided to leave California. But the plain fact is, after 14 years, we were fed up with California dysfunction, jobs in San Francisco had dried up, and remaining would have probably involved moving down the peninsula for work.

With that in mind I present to you an unrenovated, 3 bedroom sh*tbox, in a bad section of San Mateo, not near anything that matters, painted powder-blue for god sake, with a concrete front yard, and a backyard of…well…dirt. And this tired example of the American Dream goes for a modest $950K!!!

Need I say more?

Blue Shield has lost their damned mind

It was announced this week that Blue Shield of California is planning a 59% rate hike. 59% for health insurance, after Obamacare has passed?!  They must think they’re Anthem Blue Cross who got reamed in 2010 for even suggesting a 39% hike.  I guess insurers think that rate increases are like a game of poker you just keep upping the ante.  To add insult to injury they said in a statement that their decision had:

almost nothing to do with the federal health reform law and that ultimately the law will help slow down health care costs.

Sounds to me like Blue Shield has just gone completely insane.

Leave it to California to prove you still can’t buy an election

Jerry Brown (aka Governor Moonbeam) has beat out mega-spender and ex eBay head Meg Whitman for the California Governorship. It’s been cast as the costliest governors race in U.S. history, mostly because Ms. Whitman shelled out and astounding $142 million dollars of her own money on her campaign. And lost.  So, I’m asking myself what did Jerry Brown have to do to defeat such a financial juggernaut?  Well, this being California he basically just had to show up.  Good to know there remains one state in the nation where you can’t buy your way in to political power, you still have to be born to it.

Riding Hurd

I’m sorry I just couldn’t resist such a great pun.  I read on yesterday that Larry Ellison of Oracle has hired disgraced ex-HP CEO Mark Hurd.  Yup, the sexual harassment poster child has landed a seat (and a big pay day) on the Oracle board.  Ellison claims he chose Hurd because quote:

Mark did a brilliant job at H-P

Yeah right.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they are close friends, and Ellison is probably responsible for advising Hurd to settle his lawsuit privately and without telling the HP board.  Makes perfect sense.  Besides, now Larry Ellison won’t be the biggest target asshole at Oracle anymore.  All I can say is ladies beware.

Where’s the beef?

It’s been recalled.  Again.  Yup, 1 million pounds of prime grade A hamburger is going back to Valley Meat Co. of Modesto.  You see it may have given people E. coli, again.  Now I’ve watched Fast Food Nation and Food, Inc. and I find myself wondering if this means the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture is finally doing their job or not doing their job.  How does this stuff get out into the public in such phenomenal amounts?  1 million pounds of beef, that’s crazy.  We’re talking about recalls of meat in Arizona, Texas, Oregon, California and internationally.  It’s insane.  Valley Meats Co. said that customers:

…should discard possibly affected meat or return it to stores for a refund.

Um in this economy guys, I think they’re coming for that refund.  No burgers on the grill this Summer I guess.  And now I’m craving one.  Damn it!

Perp walk

You know that hundreds of paparazzi are camped out in the bushes tonight near the Lynwood Correctional Facility.  You see Lindsay Lohan, former child star and all around great girl, is set to be sprung from prison tonight.  Yes, like Angelina Jolie’s dramatic 2 a.m. helicopter airlift from a French hospital with her twins, Linday’s release is being choreographed like a military campaign.  Stylists and make up artists are on high alert.  Extensions have been ordered and 6126 leggings have been delivered to the prison facility so that Lindsay can re-enter society looking like a true star and not the haggard, lost little girl that we’ve all come to expect on the cover of Star and The Enquirer.  I’m astonished by all the effort since her next stop is rehab, but then I’ve never had to resurrect my dead career at the tender age of 24.  Ah well, this is America.  By 30 she could have her big comeback.  I mean Britney Spears shaved her head and she hasn’t disappeared from the public eye yet.  Not that I wouldn’t pay to see that happen too!

Dear Meg Whitman –

I don’t get why you are spending so much of your personal fortune to attain the governorship of California.  Seriously, what is the draw?  California’s finances are in chaos, the democrat controlled State Legislature is going to hate you on sight and let’s face it you’re not pretty enough for television.

You’ve been a successful business woman.  Maybe it’s time to retire and find a hobby.  Heck, buy an island.  Just get out of politics before it’s too late because you’re basically going to be as exciting (and effective) as Grey Davis, and that ain’t a good thing.

iNews Friday, 5/7/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Flashback! Watch Rielle Hunter Compete on a Game Show
Translation: “I’ll take Sex Tapes for $5 million, Alex”

Headline: Belgium Bans People Wearing Burqas in Public
Translation: Iran Parliament cafeteria now serves Freedom Waffles

Headline: Gulf of Mexico underwater oil gusher a crisis no one imagined
Translation: Not headline writers, obviously

Headline: Airlines to Announce Merger
Translation: No more armrests between seats

Headline: Sandra Bullock Moves to New Orleans
Translation: Faster New Orleans response than Bush Administration

Headline: Left on their own, cities test new marijuana rules
Translation: Mayors seek Community Development Brownie Grants

Headline: Rossi Will Not Play the Role of Scott Brown
Translation: Dino Rossi cancels Cosmo centerfold shoot – Evergreen State jubilant

Headline: Census participation increases in Minnesota
Translation: Multiple Bachmann personalities finally get counted

Headline: Cinco De Mayo- Celebrate Mexican History Across The US
Translation: Jan Brewer proclaims Arizona a Margarita-Free Zone

Headline: ‘Most-hated,’ anti-gay preacher once fought for civil rights
Translation: The fateful day Fred Phelps first snorted myrrh

Headline: Gulf oil spill reaches Freemason Island as BP prepares to lower giant funnel
Translation: BP’s oil bong arrives at beach too late for Spring Break 2010

Headline: Palin endorses Fiorina in California Senate race
Translation: Palin to shoot FCINOs in sheep’s clothing from helicopter

Trip to fetish club “was research to protect the homeland”

The Republican Party consultant who was reimbursed nearly $2,000 for a trip to a bondage-themed Los Angeles nightclub said today the visit was legitimate political business. “It was research to protect the homeland,” said Erik Brown, president of a Southern California consulting firm.

According to Brown, he and several GOP donors went to Voyeur West Hollywood on a fact-finding mission to help inform Republican proposals regarding detention and interrogation of terrorism suspects.

“Republicans are running in the 2010 midterm elections on our national security credentials, but we need to make sure our thinking is state of the art,” said Brown, whose company specializes in direct male services for political campaigns.

“Fortunately, the doorman at our hotel said if we wanted to learn about how to restrain and punish those who misbehave, best practices can be found at the Voyeur,” he explained.

Inside the Voyeur club

Brown says the knowledge gained is worth the controversy it is generating. “What I’m doing is gathering new options for future Republican presidents to use against the terrorists. Al Qaeda knows all our current methods, because they’ve had years to study Abu Ghraib. They know we make captured terrorists wear women’s panties on their faces and put dog collars on them, and they train their operatives accordingly, especially in forming naked pyramids,” he said.

But Brown understands some Republicans may object to how the party is spending their donations, and has an apology. “I’m sorry,” he said, “if people think $1,946 is too much to pay to keep Americans safe.”

Mandatory Life In Prison For Cagers

You know…it’s time we stopped screwing around when it comes to sentencing in murder cases that involve cars and trucks. It boils down to this: If you’re stupid enough, arrogant enough, or irresponsible enough to use a multi-ton vehicle as a weapon, then when you’re convicted you should spend the rest of your life in jail…PERIOD! No appeal, no extenuating circumstances, go straight the clink and rot there for the rest of your f*cking life!

Take the case of Monica Mercado, recently given a 32 years to life sentence in Compton, California for running down a pregnant rival for her boyfriend’s affections. This bitch will probably be out of prison and back in an SUV in 15 or 16 years—not even enough time to serve as a decent deterrent.

Frankly, if it were up to me, I’d take ever case of vehicular manslaughter and prosecute it as murder first, letting the circumstances as presented at trial dictate whether or not the charge should be reduced. That would deal with two big problems we have with how cagers treat pedestrians: 1) The fact that most people exercise no more restraint—no more responsibility—with their cars than they would if they were on foot or even on a bike; 2) The fact that most states have ludicrous and complex sets of rules about when the use of a car as a weapon constitutes murder and when it does not. Plain fact is, if every pedestrian/car encounter that results in a death is treated as a potential murder, cagers will have to think twice about how they drive.