Just when you got your entire life online. You pay your bills there, serve content wirelessly, and Twitter like a madman. You’re living the 24/7 virtual dream and, BAM! Complete blackout. Apparently it could happen. The U.S. Government this week made an announcement in advance of North Korea’s nuclear tests that the rogue government has invented a “Super EMP” capable of taking down power grids across the United States. It’s my worst nightmare. An electro-magnetic pulse has long been the weapon of choice in Hollywood, but in real life it’s proved stubbornly difficult to produce. I practically went insane when my ISP went down for 8 days. How is a spoiled, techno-saavy Westerner like myself supposed to survive on books alone? It can’t be done I tell you. Now this may be the yellow cake uranium of the North Korean conflict or it may be a clear and present danger. The question is how can we ever know? Anyone close enough to the test to confirm it, isn’t going to be able to send cell phone images or even e-mail. Yikes!
seriously at this point is anyone surprised? We’ve been bribing them for years to try and shut down their development of nuclear weapons and to no avail. The world learned this week that Pyongyang has gone right on developing a uranium enrichment facility despite all assurances to the contrary. And now the world wants the U.S. to do something about it. Like what?! It’s not like we’re going to invade North Korea. Done that, been there, got the t-shirt. I think we should really step back and let China take this one. They’re an emerging global power. They certainly have more pull with the North Koreans than we do. And they have the military might to strike fear into the hearts of their neighbors.
Headline: Gulf spill unleashes 4.9 million barrels of oil
First thing I saw in the news this morning
…and now I’m going to be sick.
Headline: BP to replace CEO Hayward with American
Wow! That’s great news, because we all know no one can handle a crisis like an American. I’m sure the Gulf Coast is sleeping soundly tonight knowing that an American is at the helm. After all Americans did such a great job with that Katrina clean up. Wait, um wasn’t it the American Army Corps. of Engineers that neglected to shore up those levies anyway? Oh never mind.
USAToday.com reports that new American CEO Robert Dudley’s, “ascension to the top slot signals the value BP places on getting the Gulf of Mexico oil disaster behind it and the importance of good relations with the U.S.” I guess that means the guy looks good on t.v. and doesn’t say talk like an asshat in press conferences. Style over substance baby, it’s the American way.
Tony Hayward who is slated for a position in BP’s Russian joint venture couldn’t be reached for comment for our article. His office told us he was vacationing (and banking his $1.6 million salary?) in the Caribbean, and would be busy upon return decorating his new billion dollar Black Sea dacha.
A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—
Headline: Archie Comics gets first openly gay character
Translation: Betty *and* Veronica
Headline: Dutch Propose Using Dikes to Generate Power
Translation: Bachmann warns Europe is developing lesbian electricity
Headline: Leinenkugel enters US Senate race
Translation: Would be first beer since Prohibition to serve in Senate
Headline: Did Sarah Palin Resign as Governor because of Money?
Translation: Gave oil lobbyists incorrect change
Headline: KFC Wants To Fight Breast Cancer With Buckets Of Fried Chicken
Translation: Breaded Breasts For Breast Cancer
Headline: GOP unveils plan on financial sector
Translation: GOP releases clean sheet of paper
Headline: Obama & 107 Yr Old In Iowa Diner
Translation: President and McCain in surprise lunch meeting
Headline: Coast Guard Tries Burning Oil as It Nears Land
Translation: BP wants to charge Coast Guard $4 a gallon
Headline: Obama – “oil rigs today generally don’t cause spills”
Translation: Obama promotes ‘clean oil’
Headline: Louisiana ‘Fishing Capital’ Braces for Giant Slick
Translation: Fabrice Tourre plans fishing trip
Headline: Spill Response- Burn Baby Burn
Translation: Massive oily smoke cloud grounds flights across Europe
Featured this week: #BushMemoirLeaked, #weesongs, #woodsongs, #oneletteroffquote
In a move that will be remembered for its stunning level of cynical political calculation, the Obama administration has stated that it will restart oil exploration and drilling in the eastern Gulf, in the mid-Atlantic, and off of Alaska. For those of you who may have forgotten, Bu$hCo did exactly the same thing on the cusp of the 2004 election except back then it was California and the Pacific Northwest that were going to be “re-opened” to oil exploration, ending almost 30 years of California having the final say over drilling off its coasts.
Now, setting aside issues of whether or not the US needs more oil, and focusing solely on the politics of this policy move, consider the states most affected by Bush III’s decision: Alaska, Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida. All are states that Obama can probably afford to lose in the next election. In fact, with the exception of Florida, there’s little chance he’d carry any of them. So why not tell the citizens of these states to “go f*ck themselves”. It’s not like you’ll lose any electors over it, right?
Way to go “Third”! Yes we can…screw the Red States, further f*ck up the environment, retard America’s movement toward a more energy-efficient, more sustainable society, and scratch the Big Oil’s back…all at the same time!
