Category Archives: Environment

PotUS goes swimming, photogs banned

President Obama announced that he will be swimming on Florida’s Gulf Coast this weekend.  He won’t take press though because ostensibly he was photographed shirtless in the past and wound up on the cover of several magazines.  Now I have to say if I never see another president in his bathing suit that would be just fine with me.  However, I think he’s being disingenuous on this one.  He banned the paparazzi not because of shyness, but to avoid having someone photograph him floating amongst the tar balls.  What do you think?

BP changing name to Blackwater

In a surprise move, the board of British Petroleum has voted to change its name to Blackwater, the beleaguered company announced today.

“We need to put the Gulf of Mexico oil spill behind us, BP believes it needs a name that doesn’t make people think of petroleum or oceans,” said spokesman Probert Flack.

Flack said a marketing survey performed this week revealed a majority of Americans, Europeans, Asians, Africans, Australians, Central and South Americans, and Antarcticans associate BP with massive oil slicks, oiled wildlife, polluted shorelines, and poor safety practices.

“But people don’t think those things when they hear the name Blackwater,” he said.

Flack went on to say BP settled on Blackwater after rejecting several alternatives, including Stayfree, Tide and Spray & Wash. BP attorneys determined those brands were already taken and not available for licensing.

“We got the name Blackwater from its previous owner for a song,” Flack said.

iNews Friday, 5/7/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Flashback! Watch Rielle Hunter Compete on a Game Show
Translation: “I’ll take Sex Tapes for $5 million, Alex”

Headline: Belgium Bans People Wearing Burqas in Public
Translation: Iran Parliament cafeteria now serves Freedom Waffles

Headline: Gulf of Mexico underwater oil gusher a crisis no one imagined
Translation: Not headline writers, obviously

Headline: Airlines to Announce Merger
Translation: No more armrests between seats

Headline: Sandra Bullock Moves to New Orleans
Translation: Faster New Orleans response than Bush Administration

Headline: Left on their own, cities test new marijuana rules
Translation: Mayors seek Community Development Brownie Grants

Headline: Rossi Will Not Play the Role of Scott Brown
Translation: Dino Rossi cancels Cosmo centerfold shoot – Evergreen State jubilant

Headline: Census participation increases in Minnesota
Translation: Multiple Bachmann personalities finally get counted

Headline: Cinco De Mayo- Celebrate Mexican History Across The US
Translation: Jan Brewer proclaims Arizona a Margarita-Free Zone

Headline: ‘Most-hated,’ anti-gay preacher once fought for civil rights
Translation: The fateful day Fred Phelps first snorted myrrh

Headline: Gulf oil spill reaches Freemason Island as BP prepares to lower giant funnel
Translation: BP’s oil bong arrives at beach too late for Spring Break 2010

Headline: Palin endorses Fiorina in California Senate race
Translation: Palin to shoot FCINOs in sheep’s clothing from helicopter

iNews Friday, 4/30/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Archie Comics gets first openly gay character
Translation: Betty *and* Veronica

Headline: Dutch Propose Using Dikes to Generate Power
Translation: Bachmann warns Europe is developing lesbian electricity

Headline: Leinenkugel enters US Senate race
Translation: Would be first beer since Prohibition to serve in Senate

Headline: Did Sarah Palin Resign as Governor because of Money?
Translation: Gave oil lobbyists incorrect change

Headline: KFC Wants To Fight Breast Cancer With Buckets Of Fried Chicken
Translation: Breaded Breasts For Breast Cancer

Headline: GOP unveils plan on financial sector
Translation: GOP releases clean sheet of paper

Headline: Obama & 107 Yr Old In Iowa Diner
Translation: President and McCain in surprise lunch meeting

Headline: Coast Guard Tries Burning Oil as It Nears Land
Translation: BP wants to charge Coast Guard $4 a gallon

Headline: Obama – “oil rigs today generally don’t cause spills”
Translation: Obama promotes ‘clean oil’

Headline: Louisiana ‘Fishing Capital’ Braces for Giant Slick
Translation: Fabrice Tourre plans fishing trip

Headline: Spill Response- Burn Baby Burn
Translation: Massive oily smoke cloud grounds flights across Europe


Oil company worried sea water could get into Gulf of Mexico

BP is warning of another potential disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, six days after an oil rig sank 50 miles off the coast of Louisiana. This time the danger comes from Atlantic Ocean water that could leak into the Gulf, contaminating one of the United States’ major oil reserves.

“The ocean contains a lot of material we don’t want polluting our pristine sea of oil,” said BP spokesman Ollie Sheen.

“Unfiltered seawater contains marine life and plants, as well as litter and toxic chemicals — all of which could damage expensive refinery equipment.”

Taking refineries off line to repair water damage could cause gas prices to rise this summer, Sheen added, “at least that’s what we would tell the public.”

But Sheen stressed there were environmental concerns as well. “Keeping water from getting into the oil is important for public relations reasons, especially since this is Earth Month,” he said.

Sheen said BP’s plan to prevent disaster involves working with the Coast Guard to set fire to a small amount of oil.

“The burning oil will evaporate the water,” Sheen explained.

Rear Admiral Roger MacAnally of the 8th Coast Guard district invited the public and media to a celebratory dinner that will be held after the end of the burn operation. Braised and roasted marine birds will be served.

Coast Guard delays oil burn until somebody comes to their senses

Gulf Coast (f-A-k-e. P.)

In what’s being billed as one of the biggest environment efforts of the Obama Administration the Coast Guard announced today that it will not ignite the oil slick in Louisiana’s Gulf region. Bill Thompson, senior frigate commander went on record saying, “Well the truth is we’re not quite sure how to light it and we definitely don’t know how to put it out.”  Americans are concerned that a large black smoking cloud may not be a good alternative to the oil spill currently seeping from the downed rig.  Senate Republicans enacted a filibuster and immediately called for hearings. “Why can’t we just scoop that oil us and use it?”, Kay Bailey Hutchinson said. “Americans are starved for oil. It’s like we’re burnin’ money!”.  The Senator wasn’t alone in her concern.  The Tea Party has brought out their bass boats and homemade plastic scoops and are racing to the site as we speak. “This is America’s oil. I’m not going to let big Government just light it on fire!” Sarah Palin shouted from her bullhorn.  “It’s time to reclaim what’s ours!”

Bush III Says, “Drill Baby Drill!”

In a move that will be remembered for its stunning level of cynical political calculation, the Obama administration has stated that it will restart oil exploration and drilling in the eastern Gulf, in the mid-Atlantic, and off of Alaska.  For those of you who may have forgotten, Bu$hCo did exactly the same thing on the cusp of the 2004 election except back then it was California and the Pacific Northwest that were going to be “re-opened” to oil exploration, ending almost 30 years of California having the final say over drilling off its coasts.

Now, setting aside issues of whether or not the US needs more oil, and focusing solely on the politics of this policy move, consider the states most affected by Bush III’s decision:  Alaska, Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida.  All are states that Obama can probably afford to lose in the next election.  In fact, with the exception of Florida, there’s little chance he’d carry any of them.  So why not tell the citizens of these states to “go f*ck themselves”.  It’s not like you’ll lose any electors over it, right?

Way to go “Third”!  Yes we can…screw the Red States, further f*ck up the environment, retard America’s movement toward a more energy-efficient, more sustainable society, and scratch the Big Oil’s back…all at the same time!