Monthly Archives: June 2008

Economics, Humor, Satire, Transportation

Seattle-area man’s sweet deal – Used Hummer incredibly cheap

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A Seattle-area man defied prevailing pessimistic consumer attitudes last weekend, pulling off what he calls “the deal of a lifetime.”

On Sunday afternoon Bernard K. “Bucky” Frandle, 31, of Lynnwood, a suburb north of Seattle, showed off his acquisition, a used 2006 Hummer H2, to a spontaneous gathering of friends at Alderwood Mall, Lynnwood’s cultural mecca.

“This was the deal of a lifetime,” Frandle told best bud Ted Mullett, 32.

“Why someone would sell such a cherry ride for only $1,200 is a mystery to me,” said Frandle.

“Dude,” remarked Mullet.

Frandle credits President Bush’s economic stimulus package for making his 6,400 pound dream a reality. “My wife Chrissy and I finally got our $1,200 government check last Friday, and the very next day here’s an ad in the newspaper for an H2 for only $1,200,” he said.

“It was perfect timing,” Frandle said.

“Radical,” Mullet added.

Chrissy Frandle, 29, was unavailable for comment. However, a source close to Bucky Frandle who agreed to discuss the H2 on condition of anonymity said Chrissy disagrees with her husband’s purchase.

“Chrissy feels there are bigger priorities right now, necessities they need to budget for,” said the source, who went on to say Chrissy is particularly concerned about the 2009 digital television conversion.

“Bucky and Chrissy still don’t have a plasma TV,” said the source.

In national security news, the Bush administration is saying “all options are on the table” concerning the hunt in Lynnwood for prints of the motion picture Love Guru. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said this morning Lynnwood risks serious consequences by continuing to bar inspectors from searching for the prints. “We can’t wait for the proof that could come in the form of Mike Myers doing an accent,” Rice said.

International

What ever happened to 9/11?

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707_4_wideweb__470x3760.jpgSydney office workers who glanced out the window at morning tea yesterday faced something straight out of Hollywood – a low-flying large passenger plane being chased across the harbour by a fighter jet.

One witness who works at a financial services company near Circular Quay, said the noise of the planes stopped work at her office.

“It came very close to the building and we all stopped and said: ‘Oh my God! What was that noise?”

The incident was not an air force pursuit of a hijacked passenger flight, but a “farewell flight” for the defence force’s Boeing 707 aircraft.

“Office workers in the CBD had no cause for alarm, said Defence spokeswoman Raveena Carroll-Kenney.”

What sort of bullshit is that? Governments create these fears then their agencies just go on playing their games.

California, Environment

This Is How The World Ends…

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California has been dealing with the aftermath of a hot dry spring…a fiery summer. Here in Babylon by the Bay, the smoke from almost 800 California wildfires has turned our usual summer fog into a yellow-brown haze. Stepping outside my flat on Thursday morning I could smell the smoke, and by the time I reached the train station for my trip down bay the odor had turned into an omni-present stench.

Our time on this planet isn’t going to end in some kind of watery, ‘Blade Runner-esque’ downpour. We’re not going to drown in the rising seas. We’re going to burn. We’re going to choke to death in clouds of stinking smog and the smoke from our forests going up in flames.

International

Zimbabweans lead a laughter revolution

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The appalling situation in Zimbabwe is difficult to comment on with any meaning, but some Zimbabweans seem to have found a way. George Orwell wrote “Every joke is a tiny revolution”. The revolution is under way…

A policeman stops a motorist and asks for a donation: terrorists have kidnapped the former Sir Robert Mugabe, and have vowed to soak him in petrol and set him alight if the ransom is not paid. “How much are other people giving?” the motorist asks.
“On average about two or three litres.”

What did Zimbabweans use for light before candles? Answer: Electricity.

Zimbabweans really do believe this is a general election – because our generals decide who gets elected.

The only difference between a Zimbabwean election and an erection is that you can’t rig the latter.”

Humor, Politics, Satire, Society

iNews Friday – 6/27/08

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Headline: George Carlin dies at 71
Translation: Bush – Persnickety “Bob Newhart Show” patient will be missed

Headline: Bachmann – Alaska’s Caribou Will Love Oil Drilling ‘Because Of The Warmth Of The Pipeline’
Translation: Bachmann announces “huge” diamond mine discovered in her family cat’s litter box

Headline: US may open diplomatic outpost in Iran
Translation: Iran demands huge damage deposit, still checking credit and references

Headline: Court cuts judgment in Valdez disaster
Translation: “Where would Exxon find that kind of money?” -Scalia

Headline: Nader plays the race card
Translation: McCain plays AARP card
Translation (Turbo mode): Bush plays Pokemon card
Translation (Overclocked this-goes-to-11 mode): Cindy McCain plays Phoenix Dermabrasion Clinic punch card

Headline: Nader – Obama sounds white
Translation: Nader still sounds irrelevant

Headline: Michael Steele for McCain’s VP
Translation: Ex-Bangle wants to hear McCain’s demo tape first

Headline: Schwarzenegger says feeding oil addiction no answer
Translation: Schwarzenegger says we need the energy equivalent of steroids

International

Right-wing pedophile bomb-maker jailed

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I can understand why people in the US get pissed off when foreign copy cats steal the limelight. This story is out of Britain, and to compound the insult, specifically a town called Goole. Goole is inland port in Yorkshire, on the River Ouse. Don’t ask me, I just report them.

We know that, reprehensible as it is, pedophilia is less about sex than is about a certain personal powerlessness. But storing 39,000 indecent images of children with his live ammunition and explosives, while preaching his message of virtue and light, seems to surpass any reported US extremes.

Perhaps Thirty-one-year-old Martyn Gilleard hadn’t realized the commercial potential of his tendency to extreme views. But then, perhaps he is simply one of life’s losers.

He’s been jailed for 11 years for the terrorism and ammunition charges, 12 months for child pornography and another four years because of the danger he poses to the public. (Perhaps read being a right wing freak!)

Kleptocracy, Politics, Rights

Blogs Against Kleptocracy – The Wages of Sin

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While we wait for the Senate to cave to the administration on telecom immunity—we should take note of the fact that the whores at AT&T, Verizon, and Sprint have already been paid for servicing Bu$hCo.

Indeed, whether to help the telcos mitigate the financial danger of class action lawsuits or simply as a “Thank you for helping us build the surveillance society,” cooperative companies watched their federal contract income skyrocket in 2007, up to $1.3B in Sprint’s case. Whereas non-cooperative telcos, Qwest for example, watched their federal contract income drop by 100’s of millions of dollars.

But…not to be outdone by the industries they’re protecting, our congressmen have also watched their coffers fill as a direct result of flipping on immunity—typically a doubling of industry campaign contributions for those representatives willing to bend over for telcos.

So everybody gets paid in a perfect little circle-jerk. Bu$hCo pays the telcos with your tax dollars. Telcos put those dollars back into the pockets of representatives and senators who in turn pay off Bu$hCo by f*cking the American people.

Who would ever have imagined that monetizing the trashing the Constitution could be so lucrative.

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Satire, Travel

So All Airlines Will Suck Equally

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Houston (f-A-ke. P.) –

Responding to the failure of recent merger negotiations between their two airlines, United and Continental have announced an agreement to share routes and combine some operations. Continental CEO, Larry Kellner, said of new partnership:

The next time we have to emerge from bankruptcy, we want to return as gritty and hard-nosed as United. Nobody squeezes that last scintilla of revenue from their passengers like our new partner, and with that in mind, we intend to adopt some of United’s more innovative operational procedures:

  • Checked baggage will be held by ramp personnel for 30 to 45 minutes to give passengers a chance to stretch their legs
  • 50% of automated check-in kiosks will be shut down to save electricity
  • For each 50 coach passengers that join our check-in lines, one reservations agent will be sent on break or told to go and handle first-class passengers
  • For the next three months, economy class passengers who use miles to upgrade to business class will be furnished with an economy-class meal
  • Starting in three months, economy class passengers who use miles to upgrade to business class will required to buy one of our nasty little snack boxes
  • Thereafter, economy class passengers who use miles to upgrade to business class will be subjected to public ridicule by flight attendants
  • Updated flight departure and arrival times will no longer be available through our web-site (just be at the airport when we tell you to be there)
  • Rather than making you pay a fee per checked bag, fares will be determined dynamically by weight, add your weight to the weight of your baggage and multiply by 4
  • Drinks will no longer be served on-board our aircraft. However, a ladle of water will be available for $5, cups will be extra
Entertainment, Humor, Politics, Protest

The end of an era

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George Carlin died of heart failure yesterday at age 71. The brilliant, angry, absolutely fearless comedian was the original rager. He was an author, an actor and an amazing stand up comedian. Carlin was the original at calling us on our bullshit. He found a way to make words into weapons, and rarely missed his targets. His wit and fiery delivery will be sorely missed. In his honor, I’d like to ask everyone to use at least one of the seven dirty words you can’t say on t.v. today. George ~ you were an inspiration, and now you are a legend, give ’em hell man!