SciFi Channel Rebrands, Irrelevance Beckons

Future Headlines —

SciFi Channel renames itself ‘SyFy’, says it’s not just an exciting spelling error

Citing economic climate, FedEx rebrands as Fd’X, claims millions in saved ink and paint

Broadband alliance dissatisfied with common abbreviation, renames standard “WhyPhi”

L.A. Gangs engage image consultant.  Advised to soften language.  “MoeFoe” recommended

‘SyFy’ brand is a bust.  SyFy Channel rebrands…again.  Becomes ‘SeyeFeye’

‘SeyeFeye’ brand is a bust.  ‘CyeFye’ is new name

CyeFye Channel is sued by HBO Networks.  Infringement on ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ claimed

CyeFye Channel shuts down.   Cable subscribers reply, “What channel?”

(Author’s Note:  Geeks made the SciFi Channel what it is.  If they want to do something as pantently stupid as rebranding themselves with term that looks like baby-talk.  They should expect to reap the sh*tstorm!)

Kiss my Fannie (Mae)

After AIG took a beating today at Congressional hearings over the controversial $165 million in bonuses paid to it’s executives more news comes that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, both recently taken over by the U.S. government, are planning to reward their execs with a payout.  That’s right folks your taxpayer dollars are hard at work once again.  James Lockhart, director for the Federal Housing Finance Agency, characterized the payouts as:

…a reasonable and well-thought out plan

He maintains that “human capital” is key to keeping Fannie & Freddie afloat.  The same human capital that drove you into the ground and made you ask the government for a handout?  Once again we’re rewarding the assholes who destroyed our financial system all in the name of their own greed.  All I can say is I want my money back.  Who’s with me?

“AIG!” becomes official shriek of Peanuts

Desperate to repair its sinking image in the face of public outrage over $160 million in executive bonuses, American International Group announced today it has negotiated a marketing agreement in which the troubled insurance giant will align its troubled brand with that of the beloved Peanuts comics characters.

The deal is worth an estimated $300 million to MetLife Insurance, which has partnered with the Charles Schultz characters for decades. Officers of both companies held a brief morning ceremony to cement the agreement, after which they went yacht shopping.

The first AIG ad to feature the Peanuts gang — based on one of the feature’s longest-running gags — hit the streets by midday: “AIG!” on Charlie Brown’s lips, as Lucy pulls away the football.

AIG spokeswoman Paulina R. Flack said the deal is a good investment in the future. “A strategic alliance with family-friendly cartoon characters means goodwill and warm-fuzzies for AIG, and it is well known that Wall Street operates on confidence,” said Flack.

“We are aware of the importance of being responsible in spending the federal government’s 80% stake in AIG, we think the people will be pleased at how we are turning things around,” she said.


Administration critics are not so sure. “This is an outrageous example of socialism!” declared Rep. Ned Flanders (R-Ohio).

“Peanuts are ultra-liberal, pinko, secular characters. AIG needs to answer why they ignored the myriad conservative or religious cartoons,” he said.

Flanders cited Family Circus, Mallard Fillmore, and the Calvin praying to the cross logo as “examples of cartoons that real Americans want to see funded by their precious tax dollars.”

Cheney to be lobbyist for Evil – Joins firm of Torquemada Hitler Gonzales

Not one to fade quietly into retirement, former Vice President Dick Cheney has joined an evil lobbying firm.

Cheney told reporters today that he has accepted a partnership with Torquemada Hitler Gonzales, a new K Street lobbying firm that includes former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, social policy expert Tom Torquemada, and political strategist Dolph Hitler. The firm will now be called Cheney Torquemada Hitler Gonzales.

“I need to stay busy, I don’t do pinochle,” the most reviled man in the industrialized world and Alabama explained gruffly.

“Much work remains if the neoconservative vision is to be realized. Cronies need rewarding, ecosystems need decimating, markets need cornering, children need jobs, countries need crushing, American citizens need terrifying,” muttered Cheney, rubbing his hands together.

The ex-vice president says he is not covered by President Barack Obama’s new federal lobbying rules, which limit such lobbying by members of the previous administration. “Vice presidents are not part of the government,” Cheney explained.

Cheney’s announcement is proof the Obama administration must implement additional lobbying reform, says Suzanne Birkenstock of the public interest group Washington Tyrant Free (W.T.F.). “Cheney is the poster child for the Evil who enter government, use their official positions to deregulate Evil, and then return to the Evil sector and benefit from the deregulation.”

In other news, disgraced financier Bernard Madoff has been given 30 days in solitary confinement for rules violations, according to federal corrections officials. Madoff was found to have traded the same carton of cigarettes to fellow prisoners more than 100 times. Security and Exchange Commission sources called the 30 days “the first numbers Madoff has earned in years.”

iNews Friday, Technical Difficulties Edition – 3/13/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Margaret Hamburg is President Obama’s pick to run the FDA
Translation: (What is that, a bump? More like a lump. It wasn’t there last week. Hey, I hold my cellphone on that side of my head…)

Headline: Romania president’s flashy daughter seeks EU seat

Translation: Elena Basescu shows her position on the issues

Headline: Kerlikowske is nominated to head nation’s drug control office
Translation: Drug czar relieved appointees no longer receive President-chosen nickname

Headline: Palin’s Teenage Daughter Splits from Father of Her Child

Translation: Gov. Palin buys new shotgun

Translation (Turbo mode): Levi Johnston gets milk for free – Plus 18 years of child support and college tuition

Headline: Obama Establishes White House Council on Women and Girls
Translation: Obama mother-in-law appointed to Greenland-based council

Headline: North Korean alert for “space launch”

Translation: OJ Simpson cast in Capricorn One sequel

You will also be amused by: Bachmann to host “America’s Next Top Michael Steele” – FOX News launches ‘Unreality TV’ genre

And San Francisco Politicians Wonder Why…

…people say our city is a trash-filled, graffiti covered, disgrace. I MEAN WHO THE F*CK TAGS A TREE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE?!  And this is the second time.

Guessing how things will go down—based on how the assholes at the Department of Public Works reacted last time we got a major tag on our building—I expect the following:

In about a month we’ll receive a missive from the DPW taped to our front gate informing us that we need to remove the tag…on the tree…within two weeks…or the city will fine us. So we’ll do it. Of course that will mean stripping the bark which will probably kill the tree. Then the dead tree will get infested, and the DPW will let us know that we have to have it removed, at our own expense or—yes you guessed it—we’ll be fined. Finally, after we’ve spent thousands removing the tree and repairing the sidewalk, the DPW will inform us that if we don’t plant a new tree we’ll…wait for it…be fined for violating urban beautification statutes.

But at no time during this process will the little sh*t who did the tagging: Be sought, caught, criminally prosecuted, or fined. Even though we have a pretty good idea of where to find her/him, the SFPD’s response is usually something like, “What do you want us to do? We’ve got more important crimes to deal with.” Such is life in Babylon by the Bay.

Chinese harrass Navy ship – Pursuers offered to love USNS Impeccable “long time”

Tensions and loathing rose in the South China Sea on Sunday,
when a US Navy ship reported it had been harassed by a number of Chinese vessels.

Pentagon spokeswoman Rear Admiral Gloria Allred said the USNS Impeccable was in international waters when it received unwelcome advances from the five Chinese ships. “Our ship was going about its work in a professional manner. Suddenly the Chinese ships appeared, started chasing the Impeccable like it was a Benny Hill episode, and calling out ‘we love you long time’,” said Adm. Allred.

“It was a hurtful and humiliating experience. We are entitled to an apology from China for this outrageous behavior,” Allred said.

Denies provocative cruising
Denies provocative cruising
China’s official Xinhua news agency reported Chinese vessels claimed the Impeccable was “asking for it.”

“It was obviously cruising,” Xinhua quoted Captain Chinn Dim Sum of the Oceanographic And Diplomatic Incidents Command as saying.

“I mean, come on: when an American ship comes into our waters showing a low waterline and exposing all that bare hull, it’s a provocative action, it’s asking for that attention,” said Chinn.

Captain Chinn went on to say his crew reacted like normal red-blooded sailors. “When the Impeccable turned firehoses on my crew, we assumed the Americans wanted a wet t-shirt contest and went with it. We disrobed to our underwear and offered to give the Impeccable and its personnel five dollar massages.”

“Jeez, we were just trying to be friendly,” Chinn said.

Barbie turns 50, gets face lift

Barbie, that iconic firestorm of controversy is turning 50 this year.  How is she celebrating?  Why with a face lift of course.  Just like Madge, she’s actually getting younger as she ages thanks to the services of plastic surgeons.  They’ve botoxed her brows and smoothed her forehead, plumped her pout and tightened just about everything else.  Apparently she just didn’t resemble Jessica Rabbit enough. In an effort to jumpstart poor sales Mattel has given our favorite blonde a head to toe makeover.  What does this say to young girls I wonder?  Apparently the message is, “You’re just not good enough”.