Not one to fade quietly into retirement, former Vice President Dick Cheney has joined an evil lobbying firm.
Cheney told reporters today that he has accepted a partnership with Torquemada Hitler Gonzales, a new K Street lobbying firm that includes former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, social policy expert Tom Torquemada, and political strategist Dolph Hitler. The firm will now be called Cheney Torquemada Hitler Gonzales.
“I need to stay busy, I don’t do pinochle,” the most reviled man in the industrialized world and Alabama explained gruffly.
“Much work remains if the neoconservative vision is to be realized. Cronies need rewarding, ecosystems need decimating, markets need cornering, children need jobs, countries need crushing, American citizens need terrifying,” muttered Cheney, rubbing his hands together.
The ex-vice president says he is not covered by President Barack Obama’s new federal lobbying rules, which limit such lobbying by members of the previous administration. “Vice presidents are not part of the government,” Cheney explained.
Cheney’s announcement is proof the Obama administration must implement additional lobbying reform, says Suzanne Birkenstock of the public interest group Washington Tyrant Free (W.T.F.). “Cheney is the poster child for the Evil who enter government, use their official positions to deregulate Evil, and then return to the Evil sector and benefit from the deregulation.”
In other news, disgraced financier Bernard Madoff has been given 30 days in solitary confinement for rules violations, according to federal corrections officials. Madoff was found to have traded the same carton of cigarettes to fellow prisoners more than 100 times. Security and Exchange Commission sources called the 30 days “the first numbers Madoff has earned in years.”