Bush comments on 100 Days report card – Transcript

Hello, this is former President George Dubya Bush. Please, hold your applause.

The start of a president’s admenstruation sets the tone for his entire term in office. So it’s impordant that the Commander in Chief, the Numero Uno, has a good report card for the first hunderd days.

That’s why when it was time for my report card on my first hunderd days as president, I used Liquid Paper®.

Now, a lot of you young people today may not be familiar with this miracle liquid, accustomary as you are to using computers and the internets.

Back when I was a boy in boarding school, we couldn’t cover up our mistakes by hitting the Delete key, clicking on the Trash, or hiring Geeks On Call to erase hard drives. No, we had real report cards, paper ones made from old growth timber. Our teachers would write down our grades by hand, or print them using an ancient device called a “typewriter.” Which is sorta like a PC without the TV screen.

Now, sometimes the teachers made, uh, typological errors, and we students had to correct them. A little dab of Liquid Paper® here (using the handy appligator brush), a dab there, some fancy “typewriter” work, and Mission Accomplished: an F becomes a Gentleman’s C.

Sometimes, depending on the boarding school, the report cards would be on colored paper. I think you call them paper of color nowdays. Anyhow, this was not a problem because the good people at Liquid Paper® make dif’rent colored Liquid Paper®s. Liquid Paper® of color. In other words, a rainbow of diversity.

When one president leaves office, by tradition he leaves a handwritten note for the next fella. I wrote such a note for President Barack Osama — naw, I can’t tell you what I told him, it’s supposed to be private.

But I will tell you this: I couldn’t have written it without Liquid Paper®. And what’s more, I left him the bottle.

Thank you, and may dog bless Merica.

Bad Kitty

There are some mash-ups, some collisions of style and substance, that should just never happen. Now admittedly, I rarely drink Beck’s beer, but given the choice between Beck’s and your typical American swill—you know…”less filling, tastes like dirt”—I would probably be willing to put a bottle of this German libation to my lips.

Well…any bottle but Beck’s Hello Kitty lager!!!

Now… The scuttlebutt is that this is all just photo-shopped fakery, concocted in response to some ad exec’s complaints about marketability. But given the current market situation, can we really expect that alcohol purveyors will be able to resist the most evil feline ever to inhabit the face of the earth?

Cheney wants to be swine flu czar – Would torture pigs to uncover plots

Continuing to assert his relevancy in national affairs, former Vice President Dick Cheney today called on President Obama to appoint him to head the government’s response to the swine flu pandemic.

As swine flu czar, Cheney will use the knowledge he gained in keeping America safe in seven of the eight years of the Bush administration.

“Let’s be frank here. The homeland is under threat,” warned Cheney.

“The swine flu threat is invisible, and fortunately I have lots of experience with invisible threats. Based on my experience, the only way to nip this swine flu threat in the bud is to round up as many pigs as possible and start interrogating them,” Cheney said.

Cheney went on to describe the threat as a ticking bomb-type scenario. “So we need to do whatever it takes to get information about where the pigs intend to launch their next flu attack.”

Cheney maintained that enhanced interrogation, also known as grilling, “is pretty well confirmed to get results from hogs. They always squeal.”

Cheney - ready to grill our enemies
Cheney - ready to grill our enemies

According to Cheney, legal opinions from Bush Justice Department officials authorizes the use of liquid in interrogation, a method known as marinating. Slamming them into walls, a procedure known as tenderizing, can also be used.

Then suspects are questioned while rotating over hot coals until their skin is crispy and golden.

Other enhanced interrogation methods include braising, deep frying, and being wrapped in ti leaves and buried in a mesquite-fired pit for about three hours.

Cheney also called on the National Archives to unclassify two secret documents that describe how CIA contractors prepare marinades and spice rubs.

In related news, conservative radio talker Rush Limbaugh paused between mouthfuls to celebrate a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announcement that swine flu is not transmitted by food. “Mmmphllf slurf grrrnd,” Limbaugh said.

Newest Technology Meets Oldest Profession

Google Street View is a BAD idea. There I’ve said it. This mashup of photography and geo-positioning is at best a distraction, and at worst a badly defended invasion of privacy. Yes it is true that Google has a legal right to photograph the front of your house, just as it is legal for any person to look toward or even into your windows. But it is not legal or even acceptable for Google to do this with telephoto lenses, and the fact they that simply don’t post high resolution images on Street View isn’t a defense. Humans don’t have 10X eyes.

That said, this privacy invading wonder occasionally catches some really funny events. The Register notes that the ‘face-blur’ seems to be working just fine. But ‘butt-cheek-blur’? Not so much.

Mayor Nickels cuts pork – Rachel The Pig victim of Seattle budget cuts

Rachel and fans - In happier times
Rachel and fans - In happier times

Saying the economic downturn requires tough choices, Seattle mayor Greg Nickels said Pike Place Market municipal ambassador Rachel The Pig would be laid off as part of an effort to cut fat from the city budget. Rachel’s layoff, one of 30, was effective April 19.

“Unfortunately, a projected $24 million falloff in real estate tax collections means the city cannot afford to carry needless pork in the budget,” Nickels explained

“Therefore we have no choice but to cut Rachel’s position, as well as one-week closures of Seattle Public Libraries — which carry DVDs of “Babe” and the book Charlotte’s Web,” he said.

Nickels said that while he regrets the budget cuts, the reductions guarantee full funding for the #1 issue facing Seattle: purchasing a stockpile of road salt for next winter. “I wish we could keep everything, but Seattle doesn’t have a salt pork program. Although that would be delicious,” said the mayor.

Nickelseattlesgreenmayor - Gets seismic upgrade
Nickelseattlesgreenmayor - No seismic upgrade

Nickels said he is making sacrifices too. “I am postponing $1.4 million in planned seismic upgrades to my Herman Miller office chair,” Nickels said.

Saddened supporters of Rachel gathered today at the now empty spot under the Pike Place Market clock, where Rachel posed for tourist photos for 22 years, and served as a rendezvous point for couples meeting through Seattle Weekly personals ads. Rachel fan Sven Ballard said the bronze pig will be missed, but preferred to think of her departure as a much-deserved retirement.

“Rachel worked so hard for so long. The mayor’s staff has assured us Rachel is now living on a farm somewhere near Stanwood. There she can enjoy the clean country air, has lots of room to run, and is able to play with other pig sculptures,” Ballard said.

No iNews this week
Legislature averts disaster – Almost forgot to f@#k education

Somali pirate is judged – Musi impresses Simon Callow with song from Penzance

Taking a page from the Cinderella story of aspiring British singer Susan Boyle, Somali pirate Abduhl Wali-i-Musi is winning acclaim Tuesday for his performance of a song from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance.

Musi, 18 or possibly 16, was in New York today for arraignment on charges stemming from his alleged role in the hostage-taking of American merchant ship captain Richard Phillips.

Attired in a blue jumpsuit and chains, Musi was smiling but clearly nervous as he was brought before federal magistrate Andrew J. Peck. The thin outlaw’s unlikely appearance drew snickers, smirks and eyerolls from spectators in the courtroom.

But a thrill ran through the crowd when Musi delivered the opening phrase of “Oh Better Far To Live and Die (Pirate King)” — “Oh, better far to live and die / Under the brave black flag I fly.” Musi held his listeners spellbound until he reached the conclusion of the song, when they erupted into cheers.

Internationally known talent judge Simon Callow was among the onlookers, and called Musi “a tiger”

“I knew the minute he walked up to the defense table we were going to hear something extraordinary, and I was right,” Callow said.

Bernice Frandle, a stay at home mother from Fort Lee, New Jersey, was also in court. She called Musi “inspiring.”

“I feel so bad about pre-judging him based on his appearance. He’s a pirate, but he’s a pirate who’s got talent,” Frandle said.

The YouTube video of Musi’s performance has been viewed more than 1.7 million times. Musi now moves on to the next round, going up against accused Craigslist killer Phillip Markoff.

Well at least he wasn’t buggering little boys


He apparently was siring them.  Paraguayan president and ‘baby daddy extraordinaire’ Fernando Lugo has been accused of fathering a six year old son out of wedlock.  The rub you ask?  He was a Catholic Bishop bound by vows of celibacy at the time of the conception.  And…he also has already acknowledged paternity of a 2 year old boy via another relationship.  The article states that:

He had established a special team to deal with the legal cases that might emerge around this subject.

Jesus man, how many kids do you have?! Since the Vatican only absolved him of his vows last July I’m asking myself what the Hell?!!!

Lead By Example

We should all—well…at least…all of us who can—be considering whether or not we really need a car.

Some mayors tool around in Priuses and hybrid Civics. But Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates has taken green transit a step further. No more cars for him, at all.

—  SF Gate – 20 April 2009

Mayor Bates traded in his Volvo for an AC Transit pass and a sturdy pair of walking shoes, and he’s 71 years old for God’s sake!

What’s your excuse?