“Tejas” – Soon To Be Mexico’s Biggest State

This is a picture of the jackhole who’s talking up the notion of Texas seceding from the union.  Now before we get into the implications of the stupidest idea since clear beer, keep in mind that Texas already had a vote on this issue and said “No!”.

But you know what we say here at Ragebot! ?  Good f*cking riddance.  Don’t let the door yer ass on your way to become Mexico’s biggest state.  And by the way…

  • Passports — Unless you’re heading out into the Gulf, you’re going to need one.
  • A New Currency — May we suggest the “semolian”?  But don’t for a second expect that it’ll be accepted in the upper 47 or that we’ll even convert them to dollars for you.
  • Water — You might want to start thinking about desalination because New Mexico and Oklahoma just damned up the Rio Grande and Red rivers.
  • You may as well close DFW International, because the only airline that’s going to be flying anywhere is Southwest (well…and maybe Mexicana)
  • And another thing…”Big nations” like Tejas need the one thing you don’t have TAXES.  Get ready for an income tax, assholes!

iNews Friday, 4/17/2009

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Gingrich speaks at World Healthcare Congress
Translation: “Your problem is not enough middlemen”

Headline: Accused Nazi Guard Needs Chemo, Is Unfit for Trial, Lawyer Says
Translation: The appropriate chemo would be Zyklon-B

Headline: North Korea leaves six party talks in huff
Translation: “They know what they did”

Headline: Tax revolt a recipe for tea parties
Translation: Recipe includes a Kool-Aid chaser

Headline: Anti-Tax ‘Tea Party’ Protests Expected Across US
Translation: Patriotic Americans refuse Obama’s socialist tax cuts – Deficit halved

Headline: ‘Tea parties’ stir crowds
Translation: “What do we want?” “We don’t know!” “When do we want it?” “Burn the books!

Headline: Tea party organizer – “A freedom movement”
Translation: “Whew! Do NOT go in there!”

Headline: US to unveil bank test results May 4
Translation: Bank Of America cholesterol “in the high 200s”

Headline: Obama Rules Out Charging CIA Agents in Interrogations
Translation: Agents won’t be subjected to torture of a trial

Headline: F-22 Raptor officials to demonstrate need for plane program
Translation: Officials able to maintain erections up to 20% longer after running hands over fuselage

Also today: Obama picks Bob Barker to host “Truth and No Consequences

Tea Partiers Fight for Liberty – Demand cuts to crusts of cucumber sandwiches

Organizers of the “tea party” tax protests were flush with success today, as thousands of their supporters gathered to send a message to their leaders in Washington DC.

At packed gatherings coast to coast, protesters sipped tea from elegant china cups. All agreed they had had enough of high federal tax rates that are the lowest since the presidency of George H.W. Bush.

Brevard P. Ditto of Gatlinburg, Tennessee, organized a tea party in his neighborhood. Ditto said he wanted to send a message to Big Government: “I oppose taxation without representation for the millions of Americans like me who aren’t registered to vote,” said Ditto. Ditto toasted the occasion with a delicate Wedgwood cup of orange pekoe, pinky thrust correctly and defiantly into the air.

Tea Party salute - The new symbol of anti-establishment defiance
Tea Party salute - The new symbol of anti-establishment defiance
Pinkies were held aloft throughout the Ditto tea party as the discussion ranged over a number of hot-button issues such as creeping socialism, creeping fascism, Starfleet’s secret war in the Gamma Quadrant, and removing the Do Not Remove tag on your mattress.

Most agreed that the greatest tyranny is that participating in democracy requires voting.

Ditto said he doesn’t vote because of what he calls “the math.”

“The idea that John McCain and Sarah Palin’s 46% wasn’t more than half of the votes cast, it doesn’t make sense. How can a minority like Obama win a majority? It smells like socialism to me,” said Ditto.

Ditto friend Billy Ray Enencephaly said he has more important things to do than vote, like watch educational television. “I made the tea party cucumber sandwiches by watching a demonstration on the Martha Stewart show,” said Enencephaly.

Enencephaly, sipping lapsang souchong, said he had an epiphany during program. “Government needs to be cut like the crusts off cucumber sandwiches. Cut the crusts! Cut the crusts!” he repeated, and the cry was quickly taken up by the entire tea party.

Enencephaly went on to offer this reporter a petit four. “The government obviously convicted Martha of insider trading to stop her from telling the truth about crusts. But she is showing us the way now,” he said.

Partygoer Bertha Lampoon said fundamental changes in the system must occur before she will consider voting. “Who got to make the rules? Why are there only ten amendments in the Bill of Rights? Why are there twelve Supreme Court justices? No one asked my opinion.”

“I support our troops, but the constitution won’t let the Pentagon quarter troops in my house. It’s a restraint on liberty!” Lampoon declared, pinky raised.

Ditto said he would have another tea party, even though he has encountered discrimination, he claims. “Liberal latte-drinkers have been ridiculing us for having tea parties. But the constitution gives us the right to assemble, and tea parties are assemblies, right? Well we’ll never stop fighting for our right to tea party,” Ditto said.

Conservatives rattled when saber stays sheathed

Armchair diplomats across America were disappointed yesterday, when the official Saber Of The United States was not used in the rescue of ship Captain Richard Phillips. Phillips, held hostage by Somali pirates for five days following a failed attempt to seize his ship the Maersk Alabama, was rescued by U.S. Navy SEALS in a lightning operation Sunday.

“It was the most boring match-up I’ve ever seen,” said nationally syndicated talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who had been promoting the event as Sooper Dooper Sunday. Continue reading Conservatives rattled when saber stays sheathed

Good Friday – Establishment of Religion? ADP Holiday?

Did I miss a memo?  When the f*ck did Good Friday become a national holiday?

I seem to remember a time, and it wasn’t that long ago, when nobody got a a day off from work to celebrate a Jewish rebel taking one for ‘Team Humanity’.  But there it is… The financial markets were closed.  Here in California, most state offices were closed.  I think the schools were closed.  WTF!?

Sounds to me like an unconstitutional establishment of religion.  Not like that other religious holiday—you know the one—that same Jewish rebel’s supposed birthday.  The holiday where we all go out and buy expensive Chinese/Japanese/Korean/Taiwanese gadgets for each other, our own pious little celebrations of capitalism.

Maybe this is like Congress putting “…one nation, UNDER GOD!” into the Pledge of Allegiance to remind us all that we’re not godless commies.  Or perhaps Gary Butler, the CEO of ADP—payroll provider for just about every corporation on the planet—is a devout Catholic. Did ‘Il Papa’ give Mr. Butler an indulgence for adding Good Friday to the computerized list of ‘official’ holidays?  I’m sure I remember some human resources drone from my past saying something like, “Well look at that…it is a holiday.  Oh well, whatever ADP says must be right.”

iNews Friday – Saturday edition, 4/11/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: 13 Shot Dead During a Class on Citizenship
Translation: Wayne LaPierre gives workshop on Second Amendment

Headline: North Korea insists it launched a satellite
Translation: Kim Jong-Il displays satellite’s extension cord – also world’s longest

Headline: North Korea’s Kim Jong Il reaffirms his leadership
Translation: Kim Jong Il is North Korea Employee of the Month – 220th win in a row

Headline: Ahmadinejad Claims Progress In Iranian Nuclear Program
Translation: Also pronounces it ‘nucular’

Headline: Obama’s Apparent Bow to Saudi King Outrages Conservatives

Levi’s “wardrobe malfunction”

Levi Johnson, upstanding Republican coverboy and earstwhile baby daddy to Bristol Palin’s spawn appeared on The Tyra Banks show recently.  Once in the hot seat Tyra started prodding him to admit that he didn’t always use protection when having sex.  They batted the question back and forth about 5 times with Tyra finally wearing the poor boy down into admitting that, yes-indeedee-do, he did have unprotected sex with Bristol Palin.  Shocker.

Word leaked out this morning that Alaskan governor Sarah Palin was last seen taking off in a helicopter rifle in hand shouting, “I’ll git that boy!”

GOP to fight crime with deregulation

Responding to ongoing public outrage, Congressional Republicans today introduced a major new law enforcement proposal.

The new plan, H.R. 1, is noteworthy for its innovative application of deregulation to the crimefighting arena. So says a group of ultra-neoconservatives led by House Republican Management Trainee Jonathan Krohn.

Krohn - GOP Management Trainee
Krohn - GOP Management Trainee

Krohn, the adorable 14 year old heir apparent to the intellectual leadership of the GOP, told reporters that the Republican plan is founded on bedrock neoconservative principles. “We are a party of principle. Who needs to spend a lot of time designing policy, when our principles give us the conviction that everything we do is right, regardless of reality,” said Krohn.

“Our most deeply held principle is less government, which underlies this proposal. We’re putting criminals on notice — watch your backs, we’re cutting federal, state and local crime regulations and unleashing the power of the market,” he said.

Krohn said it is time for change. “Sure, we could do the usual and put more cops on the street, more community policing, a non-politicized Justice Department. But I believe that if big government regulations could control crime, shouldn’t crime have been brought under control decades ago?”

“Deregulation is the answer. It’s a Republican principle. Just as economic deregulation leads to economic prosperity, so too will deregulation cause crime to be overwhelmed by the free market.” Krohn smiled and batted his eyelashes endearingly before continuing.

“People will be equal — another Republican principle — and so will their actions. No more abstract social engineering labels like ‘crime’ and ‘non-crime’, only economic transactions between people looking out for Number One. It will be — dare I say it — extreme entrepreneurism with a helping of liberty on the side,” Krohn said.

“How do I know all this will work? I wrote a book when I was only 13!” Krohn said.

Krohn is set to resume his national tour promoting that book, “How To Pick Up Home Schooled Girls,” and hopes his telegenic appearances will win support for H.R. 1.

“Just look at my dimples! I’m so cute it’s enough to make ya plotz! Aha — you plotzed just now. You were, I caught you plotzing!”