iNews Friday, 5/15/2009

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: White House aide resigns over NY flyover
Translation: Caldera takes train out of the capital

Headline: Women’s fertility drug caused failed Ramirez test
Translation: Manny’s testicles no longer suspended

Headline: Manny ‘very sorrowful’
Translation: Ramirez on 50 game DL – Post-partum depression

Headline: Dennis Miller on Wanda Sykes’ Controversial Jokes at White House
Translation: “Where are the precious Kierkegaard references?” asks smug prick

Headline: Republicans to Brand Democrats as “Democrat Socialist Party”
Translation: Most Americans have already branded Republicans as “American Nazi Party”

Headline: WHO meets on production of swine flu vaccine
Translation: World hails vaccine found on cheese in Daltrey’s refrigerator

Headline: Budget Crisis in California Could Claim Landmarks
Translation: Stop payment on California pageant organizers’ check could force Prejean to return implants

Headline: Abuse photos put US in ‘double catch-22’
Translation: 2×22=44, and Obama is the 44th president – “COINCIDENCE?” asks Alex Jones

Headline: Bike to work on Friday
Translation: Bike to work commuters outnumbered by those biking to unemployment office

Headline: Prudential, Hartford Among Insurers Cleared for US Bailout
Translation: Geithner gored by stag after being hit by piece of the rock

Headline: Rove to Be Interviewed Over Attorney Firings
Translation: Poll – Americans say waterboarding would be OK in interview of this type

CEO Liddy: ‘No More Party Money Needed For AIG’

New York (f-A-ke. P.) —

AIG , the recipient of approximately $170 billion in taxpayer bailout money, will not need more government aid, CEO Ed Liddy plans to tell Congress.

“We’ve grabbed so much taxpayer cash it’s starting to look embarrassing, and we’re quite frankly worried about our neighbors coming up our driveways with torches and pitchforks,” Liddy states, according to his prepared testimony for Wednesday morning’s hearing before the House Oversight & Government Reform Committee. “Although as I have said before, my need for a new Gulfstream V will probably be a factor.”

The generous wads of cash for ex-employees is just one four areas in which Liddy touts “substantial progress” made as part of the company’s ongoing restructuring.

“We are throwing parties and hiring hookers…doing as much ‘Colombian Supremo’ as humanly possible,” he says. “But let’s face it, how much cocaine can any one person really snort off the tummy of a teenager. We may need to wind down the activities of the ‘Global Whoopie Unit’ before too long.”

Blessed are the bare…

For they shall keep their crowns.  Donald Trump announced today to no one’s surprise that he will not strip Miss California USA of her title in the wake of a nude photo scandal.  Considering Miss California has positioned herself as a staunch Christian and anti-gay crusader the photos should be hurting her credibility.  Her defense so far has been that she is a model and sometimes expected to get naked or wear lingerie as part of her “job”.  But in the world that is Donald Trump where, “no publicity is bad publicity”,  I’m sure he figures this just brings more attention to the misogynistic, anachronistic spectacle that is the Miss America pageant.  I also imagine he’s thinking if he could have found a way to get those ladies naked himself he would have done so long ago.  Thank you Jesus!

No more GOP big tent – Can’t find claim check for REI repair counter

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele announced today that his party will no longer use a big tent approach to rebuild its electoral base.

Steele explained that he had decided to abandon the big tent at its current location, the gear repair counter at the REI store in Fairfax, Virginia. “There was a giant hole in the big tent, so Jack Kemp took it in for repair,” said Steele.

Steele said conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh damaged the big tent — an REI Base Camp model — during a teambuilding exercise in March in New Hampshire’s White Mountains.

“Rush said he had to sleep in the big tent, but this meant there was no room in it for anyone else. And while he was in there, he burned the hole in the big tent with a lit cigar.”

Kemp, the former New York congressman who advocated broadening the party’s populist appeal, and was also the 1996 GOP vice presidential nominee, volunteered to drop off the big tent at the Fairfax REI.

However, on May 2 Kemp passed away from cancer, “and now no one knows where the claim check is,” Steele said.

Steele went on to say he tried to get REI to make an exception, without success. “It’s like that green-vested woman didn’t know who I am. And then I remembered: REI is a cooperative, it spreads the wealth among its members,” he said, making airquotes with his fingers.

“I think we all know what that means.”

A committee of GOP moderates led by former Secretary of State Colin Powell has started shopping for a new big tent. But an overwhelming number of Republicans question whether a new big tent is even necessary.

“In view of the Obama recession, the $400 to replace the big tent is an expense we can’t afford,” said former vice president Dick Cheney.

Speaking on the CBS News program Face The Nation on Sunday, Cheney told host Bob Schieffer that any conservatives in need of shelter can huddle in Limbaugh’s ample rain shadow.

“What’s more, his Docker pleated slacks have vast quantities of twill that make for an excellent windbreak,” Cheney said.

HR1966 – The ‘Criminalize Electronic Criticism’ Act

Well you knew it was coming. A bunch of uptight politicians spearheaded by a dimwit, Linda Sanchez (CA 19), have decided that they’ve had enough of electronic criticism and have crafted a bill that would effectively turn most bloggers, journalists, and online activists into felons for having the temerity to repeatedly criticize their political bettors on the Internet.

HR1966, the bill itself, makes it a federal felony to ‘coerce’, ‘intimidate’, ‘harass’, or cause substantial emotional distress to a person using an electronic medium—though explicit definitions of constitutes harassment or what severity might trigger the punishment are left for the courts to decide. As Eugene Volokh put it, “…criminalize it all, let the prosecutors sort it out.“.

More than likely, the bill’s ambiguous language is designed to allow politicians to go after just about anybody they want.  Though, to ensure that no one objects to their ‘mom and apple pie’ arguments the bill’s name and introductory language are full of references to the cyberbullying case of Megan Meier.  No matter, even if Sanchez and her cabal are earnest in their defense of this nonsense, guaranteed that someone will consider this bill a godsend.

Imagine McDonalds pushing to incarcerate every person who’s ever published a critical opinion of the sh*t they serve as food.  Imagine political parties silencing bloggers who expose criminal wrongdoing.  Imagine GM prosecuting union representatives that criticize their bankrupt employer over email.  AIG prosecuting anyone who thinks that $400+M of taxpayer money shouldn’t be used to fatten executive wallets.  You get the idea.

iNews Friday, 5/8/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Zoo’s panda house closes for pregnancy watch
Translation: Miss California supports opposite mating for pandas
Translation (Turbo mode): Panda’s topless photos published – may face return to China

Headline: Obama Targets Overseas Tax Dodge
Translation: Obama allows foreigners to avoid US taxes, Republicans say

Headline: Dom DeLuise, actor, comedian and chef, dies at 75
Translation: Signature dish was ham-stuffed rubber chicken

Headline: David Souter says emotional goodbye at judicial conference
Translation: After which he drove his Mustang into Minneapolis and threw his beret into the air

Headline: Kiefer Sutherland’s Alleged Headbutt Victim – It Was a ‘Vicious’ Attack
Translation: Jack Bauer was only following orders – Justice Department

Headline: Canadian town Vulcan beams up to Trek sneak peek
Translation: Audience sits in seats impassively, hands folded

Headline: Bristol Palin for abstinence, “regardless of what I did”
Translation: “Do as I say, not as I do you”
Translation (Turbo mode): “She meant to say ‘irregardless’,” Sarah Palin said

Headline: (Texas) House votes to keep construction panel
Translation: Stains on drywall believed to resemble Jesus and Davy Crockett

Headline: Bailout fraud cases emerge
Translation: CEO used $15M to order a Kindle DX

Star Trek film “an insult to Iran” – Praetor Ahmadinejad criticizes inaccuracies

Alert: Spoilers!

Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has called the new Paramount Pictures movie “Star Trek” historically inaccurate and an insult to Iran, and urged moviegoers to stay away from the J.J. Abrams-helmed sci-fi adventure.

It is the first U.S.-Iran motion picture crisis since Ahmadinejad’s negative review of “300” (Warner Bros., 2006). Continue reading Star Trek film “an insult to Iran” – Praetor Ahmadinejad criticizes inaccuracies

Bristol Palin face of abstinence campaign?

File this one under strange but true. It was announced this week that Bristol Palin, daughter of Alaska governess and teen baby mommy, has taken on the position of abstinence advocate for the Candies Foundation. That’s right the purveyors of hooker heels and other tween regalia.  Okay, so let’s get this straight.  The company that wants to dress your 12 year old daughter like a street whore also wants her not to have sex?  I’m confused.  I thought sex sells.  Besides, isn’t the horse out of the barn on this abstinence thing in Palin’s case?  She’s on record admitting that she doesn’t think it works.  Way to go Candies!

Big Three’s Company – Car makers cut costs, move into small Santa Monica apartment

General Motors, Ford Motor Co. and Chrysler have agreed to terms with the government under which the troubled “Big Three” automobile manufacturers would restructure in order to qualify for billions in federal assistance. The chief executives of the three companies made their announcement this morning at a press event in Santa Monica, California.

Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli said after his company emerges from reorganization it will partner with Italy’s Fiat, giving Chrysler access to the investment funds of certain Sicilian family businesses. “They’re more ethical and public-spirited than the hedge funds we’ve been dealing with,” said Nardelli.

Ford President Alan Mulally gave an extensive Powerpoint presentation about how there has been absolutely nothing funny about his company since the Pinto.

And GM’s J.O. Sampson said he intends to focus on the ongoing search for “the real killers of the electric car.”

In an unexpected move, all three companies will increase efficiencies by unifying their management and professional workforces. Over the next two years they will consolidate their sprawling, expensive Detroit headquarters operations into a single location in Santa Monica.

Mulally, Sampson and Nardelli said they slipped into this southern California oceanside community last weekend in search of a suitable new headquarters, quickly signing a lease on a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment a short distance from the beach.

New HQ for car makers
New HQ for car makers

Larry Fiat, Fiat’s head of North America business development, has secured an apartment upstairs in the same building.

The chief executives say they look forward to becoming part of their new community once they get settled. “Come and knock on our door, we’ll be waiting for you,” Mulally said.

Santa Monica stands to benefit from additional retail activity and business taxes. Stanley Roper, the Big Three’s new landlord, was upbeat. “Newcomers are always welcome in my building. As long as there’s no funny business, if you know what I mean,” Roper said, mincing.