Bachmann fills out practice Census form

Controversy surrounding the U.S. Census eased somewhat today, after the agency’s chief critic, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN), filled out a practice Census form.

The form was provided to Bachmann by Census enumerator Jim Tally in Bachmann’s Stillwater home. The Census Bureau arranged the special visit to allay Bachmann’s publicized worry that the decennial national survey is “very intricate,” “very personal,” and “contains coded quotations from the the sermons of Rev. Jeremiah Wright.”

Afterward, Bachmann said she was satisfied the process is above board. “It used short, easy to read words, and did not appear to be concealing any anti-America motivations,” said Bachmann.

“In fact, I was pleased at the number of essay questions,” she said, and provided reporters with copies of her form. Some of the questions, with
Bachmann’s answers, were:

  • Number in your household: 160 million (including all sperm and ovum)
  • Sex by Age: About twice a month
  • Median sex by age: We don’t do it in the road
  • Sex by marital status 15 and over: My kids would never have premarital sex, anymore than Sarah Palin’s would
  • Sex by year of entry for the foreign-born population: This is why we have to close the borders!
  • Sex by Work Experience: All this ‘sexual harrassment’ stuff is a bunch of hooey.
  • Means of transportation to work: Automobile, emitting life-giving carbon
  • Was the moon landing faked? Yes
  • Number of voices in your head: 27

“Those weren’t essay questions, but we’ll do our best to interpret them quantitatively,” Tally said.

“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Michael!”

Even in this crazy world of billion dollar bailouts—where foreclosures outpace new home sales and the best investment strategy involves a mattress and dime bags—it’s good to know that in some places sanity still prevails.

There have been many memorials to Michael Jackson, but being carved in butter for the 2009 Iowa State Fair won’t be one of them.  They held a poll, and 65% of responders said that they just weren’t comfortable with having the so-called ‘King of Pop’ as a butter sculpture.

And perhaps…that should be the last word on memorializing MJ.

Asshole of the Week – Pat Buchanan

I think white men were 100% of the people who wrote the constitution, 100% of the people who signed the Declaration of Independence, 100% of the people who died at Gettysburg and Vicksburg, probably close 100% of the people who died at Normandy. This has been a country basically built by white folks.

Pat Buchanan — In a commentary on Rachel Maddow’s July 16th broadcast

I think that Chinese made up a huge proportion of the people who slaved to build America’s railroads; Latinos…a large majority of the people who toil so that you can eat arugula whenever you f*cking want; Blacks spent over 150 years in bondage, propping up the economy of the South so that your god-like ‘founders’ could have clothes on their backs. In short, practically every non-Angle Saxon people is represented in the ranks of those who toiled to make this country what it is, you fat, ignorant, shrill, waste of genetic material.

Kvatch — In response

iNews Friday, 7/17/2009

From the iNews9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Bush Personally Ordered Visit to Ashcroft’s Hospital Bed
Translation: GOP health care – Bush stands between you and your Demerol drip

Headline: Ryan Reynolds cast as “Green Lantern”
Translation: If anyone needs me, I’m camping down at the Cineplex

Headline: New allegations in Sen. John Ensign sex scandal
Translation: Ensign changes Facebook status to “Really Complicated Open Relationship”

Headline: With Bankruptcy Behind It, GM Focuses on a Culture Change
Translation: Buick to be renamed Acidophilus

Headline: Where were you when Apollo flew?
Translation: America remembers its last on-time flight

Headline: When the Eagle Landed
Translation: Three days ahead of the luggage.

Headline: Geithner Says Strong Dollar Is US Policy
Translation: Geithner denies dollar takes performance enhancers

Headline: Sound Transit confirms light rail trains are too loud at night
Translation: Agency to hand out free Ambien on rail’s opening weekend

Headline: Rowe Not Looking for Cash Cow

Translation: Jackson trained children to lay golden eggs – Tabloid report

Headline: Southwest Inspects Its Jets After Hole Forces Landing
Translation: Usually the a-hole in the next seat makes you wish for a forced landing

Headline: Massive Earthquake Shakes New Zealand
Translation: New Flight Of The Conchords CD rocks the party

Headline: Republican Senators Press Sotomayor on Abortion Views
Translation: Talking points – Sotomayor plans to open clinic in the Supreme Court building

Headline: Hacker break-in of Twitter e-mail yields secret docs
Translation: None are longer than 140 characters

Headline: Would-be light-rail riders bemoan lack of parking
Translation: Decades of underfunded public education leaves many unable to get the point

Apples to lemons?

Microsoft made a big announcement today that it is opening it’s new retail stores right next door to Apple’s.  Sounds like sour grapes to me.  Have they seen those hilarious, “I’m a Mac” commercials?  They always look like losers.  When you’re the computer equivalent of an AV geek you may not want to park your ass next to the quarterback of the football team.  Oh, and did I mention they hired a Wal-Mart aficionado to manage this big rollout?  What?  The K-Mart guy was already booked?

Ask An Ex-Governor: Oppose French-style medicine

by SARAH PALIN, Syndicated Columnist
by SARAH PALIN, Syndicated Columnist

Dear Ex-Governor,
I’m vaguely apprehensive of the public option. What should I know in order to spread irrational fear about it?
Congressman Rick Larsen, (D?-WA)

Dear Rick,
You’re right (hard right!) to be scared, because what Barack Hussein Obama and the Democrat Party are going to ram down our throats is socialized medicine, also, too, the growing of the size of government, such as Big Government, such as the kind of Big Socialist Governments in Canada and Europe where they have health care for all, which also, too, is where they speak French — I’ll tell ya we don’t want that kind of French or French Canadian style health care, as your doctor would talk to you only in French or Canadian, and Americans don’t want a translator standing between you and your doctor, at least until Aetna figures out how to make money off it.

Where’s my “Stress Stimulus”?!

It came out today that Social Security Executives have squandered $750,000 in tax payer dollars on a luxurious retreat at the Biltmore hotel in Arizona.  The reason for this boondoggle?  According to SSA Regional Commissioner Peter Spencer:

“We received threats against our employees by people who are in the American public”

So this was “stress relief“?!  Then I have to ask, why did they bring family members along?  SSA argued that the 3 day bonanza had a great negotiated rate.  At a quarter of a million dollars a night I’d say they’re idea of “great” bears some looking into.  Oh and did I mention that the Biltmore is a Waldorf Astoria property? No Motel 6 for these guys.  Add to that the cost of flying everyone in from across the country, and the bill jumps even higher.  Your tax dollars at work again.  All I can say is Americans are receiving threats to the livelihood every day, where’s my damn stress stimulus?

Stupid While Walking

I have a cell phone. I have a bluetooth headset that, if I absolutely have to talk while walking, helps me keep my head up and eyes forward. I do not have a Crackberry, iPhone, or other input device, and even if I did I wouldn’t be stupid enough to be keying into it, eyes down, while walking in New York.

Alexa Longueira though, a 15 year old from Staten Island, doesn’t have a problem with texting and walking…well…at least she didn’t until she walked into an open manhole in Staten Island.

Sure, an open manhole is a problem, but paying-f*cking-attention helps you avoid the hazards that crop up in getting from point A to point B—Fire hydrants, badly jointed concrete, and last but not least people! Sadly, Ms. Longueira probably won’t learn much if anything from this event as her parents are making noises about suing the city for not putting up a barrier. Though one wonders if they would feel differently if Alexa had broken her shin on a Department of Public Works barrier.

Truth be told, Ms. Longueira is on the cusp of becoming considerably more dangerous. She’ll soon be driving…and presumably texting, and let’s face it raw sewage, unlike the person she’ll run down while texting about last night’s date, won’t sue.

Everyone loves a circus!

(Washington) The nation’s capital took a break from the hard work of governance today, as the Republican Brothers and Boehner & Flailing brought their three-ring media circus to town.

An excited crowd filled the darkened Senate Judiciary Committee chamber this morning. Senator Jim Bunting got so excited he peed himself when a hush fell over the audience.

Ringmaster Jeff Sessions stepped into the spotlight and got things started with the traditional introduction of, “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, wise Latina women of all ages — welcome to the Greatest Sideshow On Earth!”

And what a show it was! First came trapeze artists The Supreme 5, a unique act that somehow manages to swing only in one direction.

Next was gypsy fortuneteller Tom Coburn, who told the future of one lucky audience member, Sonia Sotomayor of New York City.

Coburn was followed by lion tamer Orrin Hatch, who held at bay the circus’ newest beast, Empathy, the crack of a flaccid noodle sounding in the air.

Hearts stopped when Lindsay Graham stepped onto a high wire far above the crowd. At the halfway point, he paused to juggle white male patriarchy with his insistence life experience should be a disqualifier for the high court.

But everyone’s favorites are the clowns, and there sure were a lot of them! At one point an impossible number of them poured out of a tiny ideological box, to the audience’s delight.

A good time was had by all. By the end, only John Ensign was left to sweep up the elephant poop.

The one disappointment was the news that one act, the comedian Norm Coleman, had left the circus. His replacement, Al Franken, was not funny at all.

Modern-day Icarus

1998 — Construction begins on the International Space Station, the largest most complex satellite ever placed in orbit.

2010 — The ISS is completed after more than a decade of effort and upwards of a $100,000,000,000 spent during construction.

2016 — NASA preps the ISS and then ‘de-orbits’ the 330 ton space station, causing most of it to burn up in the atmosphere and the rest to crash into the Pacific Ocean.

OK…I’m all for space exploration. Those of you who have followed Ragebot (and Blognonymous before it) are aware of my fondness for the Mars Rovers, my awe over the achievements of the Cassini/Hyuegens mission. But this…! They’re going to just shut it down and burn it up? Gods! What a f*cking waste! 

Perhaps it’s time we stop spending money when we lack the commitment necessary to realizing something positive from our endeavors.