Limbaugh calls for public option

Rush Limbaugh called for a public option today, stunning supporters of the talk radio firebrand.

“There I was, ready for some football, only to have this all-American game, the most popular sport in the world, slam the door in my face,” Limbaugh told Sean Hannity, during an appearance on the Fox News program Hannity.

“NFL ownership is a right, not a privilege. When an Everyman like me cannot buy my way into ownership of a football team, the system needs to be reformed. The time has come for a public option — a publicly owned, federally managed NFL franchise that any multi-bajillionaire can buy a piece of, and would provide some nonprofit competition for Big Football,” he said.

Pressed by Hannity on whether a public franchise amounts to the same kind of socialism as President Obama’s health care reform initiative, Limbaugh responded angrily.

“Of course it’s fucking socialist — what do you think the NFL is? I was trying to get me some of that sweet, sweet, owner profit sharing,” Limbaugh said.

Below the belt above the 49th

When Canada spends less on renewable energy than the State of Alaska, it means Stephen Harper isn’t just behind Barack Obama on clean energy – he’s behind Sarah Palin.

Ouch! That comment comes from a dinky die Russian count with an unpronounceable name and an eye on Canada’s Prime Ministership. Michael Ignatieff’s Liberals are lagging in the polls and desperate make up ground. Not so much about latitude as attitude.

PM Harper, like all good conservatives, has a genetically programmed blindness to the evidence of global climate change; can he help what he is? Still, suggesting he is behind Palin might be construed as a compliment; by Harper and many Canadians.

Iggy has been a far easier target for Harper, having to defend spending most of his adult, academic life in the USA and Britain; and horror of horrors, speaks French with a Parisian accent rather than good old back street Montreal patois.

Frustration is the lot of opposition parties and leaders mid-cycle, and Canada is mid-cycle, even if out of step. While other countries are moving to progressive Canada and my Aussie neighbour New Zealand are firmly conservative. I wonder if there is a lesson to be drawn from that dynamic?

iNews Friday, 10/16/2009

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: The Nobel Prize & Obama Derangement Syndrome
Translation: Treatment not covered by insurance – preexisting condition!

Headline: God is not the Creator, claims academic
Translation: Conservapedia hit by Denial of Metaphysical Service outage

Headline: (Fox) ‘Special Report’ Panel Questions the Nobel Peace Prize
Translation: Probably on a waterboard

Headline: Insurance industry’s last-minute pressure backfiring
Translation: No one believes United Health would really kill the kitten

Headline: Republican Olympia Snowe to support healthcare bill
Translation: Poster of Snowe w/Hitler mustache rolling off presses

Headline: Limbaugh dropped from NFL bid
Translation: Fumble!

Headline: Limbaugh- Checketts approached me
Translation: Rush won’t receive a check of any size from NFL

Headline: Internet All A-Twitter Over Meghan McCain Photo
Translation: Not the first time a McCain has had a problem with boobs

Headline: 4th Grader Asks Obama, “Why Do People Hate You”
Translation: “The same reason Rush wants you to ride on a separate bus”

Cheney – Norway seeking long-range award launch capability

Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney gave the White House some free foreign policy advice today, warning of a grave new threat to non-peace.

In his first public comments since the Nobel Peace Prize attack of October 9, Cheney said he had informed President Obama that Norway constituted a clear and present danger to America.

“Norway has become the number one threat to the status quo of fear and the war mentality,” said Cheney.

“I warned everyone this would happen if they elected Obama,” he added.

Cheney said the northern European Islamic group al-Nobel has been behind many cases of peace recognition around the world. Now, he says, the 10/9 attack may be just the first in a new wave of peace.

“My secret intelligence source, Blue Ball, says the five-member al-Nobel cell in Oslo has taken control of the Norwegian government,” explained Cheney.

“Even now they are trying to develop a long-range award launch capability. At present, Peace Prize winners must journey to Oslo to accept the award. But a long-range system would let them deliver Peace Prizes anywhere in the homeland,” Cheney said.

A senior former Defense Department official who requested anonymity confirmed Cheney’s information. “Heavens to Betsy, the fact we can’t see any evidence of a long-range al-Nobel capability means it must employ stealth technology,” the source said.

For his part, Cheney is resolute in his desire to alert Americans to the growing Norwegian threat. “We have to attack them now, before we get Peace Prized again.”

iNews Friday – No More ‘Jon and Kate’ Items, 10/09/2009

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Dalai Lama Not Meeting Obama This Week
Translation: Suddenly all Republicans are outraged Buddhists

Headline: Conde Nast to Close Gourmet, Cookie & Modern Bride
Translation: “Threat to traditional wedding receptions,” GOP says

Headline: Lawyer- “Alleged Letterman plotter is ‘innocent'”
Translation: Orwell- “Extortion is Whistleblowing”

Headline: Obama Reaches Past Congress for Health Care Support
Translation: Tip O’Neill thinks bill has a fighting chance

Headline: Blanche Lincoln, here we come!
Translation: “Blanche Lincoln!!! Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts…”

Headline: Limbaugh Confirms Rams Bid
Translation: 2010 – Donovan McNabb clotheslines Limbaugh on sideline play
Translation (Turbo mode): If a football team is like a family, then the Rams will have no black sheep

Headline: Verizon, Google Team For Android Devices
Translation: Trade in your old fembot for a new Bachmann

Headline: Tom DeLay and Debi Mazar both leave Dancing with the Stars
Translation: Debi Mazar needs to take long, long, long shower

Headline: Big dino prints found in Jurassic park in France
Translation: GOP criticizes Max Baucus for taking French vacation

Headline: Borger- Republicans don’t really want to work with Obama
Translation: Gloria Borger crowned Miss Duh 2009

Headline: A Crackdown on Bake Sales in City Schools
Translation: Girl Scouts take out the competition

Headline: NASA Prepares to Bombard Moon
Translation: Bachmann says bombing will “send a message to the Reticulans”

Headline: Gateway Unveils Touchscreen Desktop PC
Translation: Now your home computer can look like a bus window

Headline: Barack Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize
Translation: Nobel Committee finally corrects horrible Kissinger error
Translation (Turbo mode): Sitka Duran Duran Fan Club hastily awards Le Bon Prize to Palin

GOP acts to stem closures of oriental carpet stores

The Neverending Sale
GOP wants ORAL

A wave of closures in the oriental carpet retail sector has provided a potent new issue for critics of President Barack Obama’s economic policies.

The stores, known as Oriental Carpet Dealers (OCD), offer Persian rugs, Oriental rugs, Kilims, and area carpets at unbelievable prices. They are a familiar sight in shopping districts across the United States.

Yet all is not well with the OCD, with Department of Commerce statistics showing more than 5,000 OCDs closed in the month of August. But now the OCD cause has been picked up by Republicans anxious to point out shortcomings in the president’s policies toward business.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) is leading the GOP charge over the plight of the carpet businesses. Leader of the newly formed Oriental Retail Assistance Legislation (ORAL) Group of House Republicans, Bachmann went on FOX News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor yesterday to describe what is happening in malls and on Main Streets across the country.

Bachmann told host Bill O’Reilly that she passed no less than a dozen Oriental Carpet Dealers on her drive to Capitol Hill that morning, “and all of them had huge banners proclaiming ‘Going Out Of Business – Huge Savings’,” said Bachmann.

“This portends an economic disaster. I want to find a great ORAL way to stop further losses of businesses, including ones owned by hard-working floor covering sellers who come from places such as Karastan and Belgian Congoleum,” Bachmann said.

The legislation would get $2 billion into the hands of American consumers, in the form of vouchers for 10% off when buying two or more carpets at already low, low prices. Vouchers would be distributed via Valpak mailings.

House Minority Leader John Boehner endorsed Bachmann’s plan. “What are Americans who want to shop for carpet that matches their drapes supposed to do? The number of OCD closures is clear evidence of an economic disaster caused by Democrat policies,” he said.

Added the visibly emotion Boehner: “We should be slashing prices, not commerce. This wholesale slaughter of retail must be stopped, it should be at the top of our list.”

If it passes the House, Bachmann’s bill would need to be woven into a Senate version, S. 69, written by Sen. John Ensign of Nevada. Ensign heads up another GOP panel working on the issue, the Senate-House Analysis Group (SHAG).

“The interest we see today in ORAL-SHAG legislation gives me hope the unraveling of the oriental rug business can be stopped,” Ensign told a packed press conference.

The Ten (Conservative) Commandments

Now that conservatives are finally dealing with all that “liberal bias” in the Holy Bible, it’s time we dealt with the Ten Commandments:

  1. Thou shalt have no other party but ours
  2. Thou shalt not satirize our luminaries
  3. Thou shalt only take the names of the liberals in vain
  4. Remember the sabbath day—that would be Sunday, not Saturday or Friday or whatever freaky day your particular non-Christian religion observes—and keep it holy
  5. Honor thy father and thy mother…from a “normal” two-parent family consisting of one man and one woman
  6. Thou shalt not kill…except in self defense or to rid society of scum who really deserve it
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery…except when your wife refuses to honor her conjugal duties
  8. Thou shalt not steal (Corporations with former executives in high government positions excepted…of course!)
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor…unless Homeland Security tells you that your neighbor is…you know, “Really, really bad!”
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife (Little boys are so much easier to intimidate and keep silent.)

Obama failing to create Obama impersonator jobs

New jobs figures released by the Department of Labor show a continuing upward trend in unemployment. Here with an expert commentary is Marvin Canny.

Hello, I’m Marvin Canny. Every four years our great nation renews one of our most cherished traditions. I’m speaking of our quadrennial love affair with the presidential impressionist.

Here at the Marvin Canny Likeness Union of Parodists, Impressionists and Other Professional Mimicking Persons, our researchers are charting an unprecedented break from the historical pattern of job opportunities for our members following presidential election years.

Since the time of George Washington, when lookalike Adam Weishaupt rose to fame as a spokesman for wooden dentures, a new president has always meant an upswing in employment for actors who bear a vague resemblance to the commander in chief. Remember that guy who looked like Reagan, who was in all those ads for insurance, denture adhesive and Folger’s? He was one of ours.

Last year, we at the MCLU shared in the hope symbolized by the election of a new, vigorous young president with visual and aural distinctiveness. But the new unemployment statistics give little reason for continued hope by MCLU members.

Sure, there are some actors who are benefiting in the down economy. Greg Grunberg just had the off-Broadway premiere of his Alan Grayson one-man show, and Eddie Izzard has been playing Seattle mayoral candidate Joe Mallahan in public for the last six months.

But 2009 has seen the creation of just one job at the presidential level: the guy who played Barack Obama on Flight of the Conchords.

The situation calls for drastic action. In the 1980s the Justice Department ended the Rich Little monopoly, which paid off in huge growth in the Jim Morris, Phil Hartman and Dana Carvey sectors of the economy. We need a 21st century version of that again, today, and soon — before Fred Armisen can strike again.

Thank you, and remember to support the MCLU in your workplace.