As the DC Mayor’s Office re-engages in the, probably futile, process of trying to enfranchise its citizens through statehood, the question arises: What should the 51st state be called.
‘New Columbia’ has been suggested, but this frog doesn’t think that the name really captures the pure, viscous, indifference of the Senators and Representatives that will…never…Ever…EVER allow representation for District residents. (And lest you think that this doesn’t apply to Democrats, think again! As our starry-eyed mayor will soon find, Democrats have no more taste for DC statehood then their Republican counterparts.)
So, in honor of the masters of our congressional plantation, I suggest:
Now that the Brits have voted to exit the European Union, secessionist fools in the Great State of Texass have decided to revive the notion of Texas’ exit from The Union. But there’s a big difference between the UK’s departure from the EU and Texas’ exit from the United States…
For starters, if Texans are stupid enough to try and secede the response from their fellow citizens in the other 49 will be, “Take your backwater, racist, gerrymandered, federal-dollar-sucking asses and GET THE FUCK OUT! Good riddance!” No US citizen should give a damn that these arrogant assholes want to isolate themselves in their parched little corner of North America. Let them snuggle up close to Mexico, who may be their only source of commerce and…well…water! (Because, let’s face it, not a single river that allows Texans to frack-the-crap out of their state originates in their state, and when New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas decide turn off the spigot, Texas will dry up and blow away.)
And for those of us who remain in the good ‘ol US-of-A: How wonderful will it be to never again have to listen to a barely literate, white, ethically challenged, Texas governor lecture us? How wonderful to never again have to some piece-of-shit Texan disdainfully refer to one of us as a “Yankee” despite the fact that we come from Louisiana, or Florida, or wherever.
Keep your guns and your poverty-level ‘jobs miracle’. Never again saddle us with an idiot for president, and please, please, please don’t just play at leaving the Union. Put your money where your loud Texan mouths are…GO and be done.
It’s tourist season again in the nation’s capitol, and as the hundreds of thousands of our fellow citizens flock to Washington to spend some days contemplating our national treasures, some of us residents will invariably be asked for directions, for restaurant recommendation, or told with wide-eyed wonder how lucky we are to live amid such bounty.
I would humbly suggest to my fellow DC residents, that this is the opportune time to inform these naive vacationers of how we really feel about living on the congressional plantation. I suggest looking them straight in the eye and saying:
Fuck you and fuck your family!
It’s your representatives, your senators, that keep us in chains—unable to make our own laws, spend our own taxes, and exercise the most fundamental obligation of any American, the right to vote for our own representation.
If your concept of democracy is so exclusive that it doesn’t extend to the citizens of your nation’s capital, then GO-THE-FUCK-BACK where you came from and leave us in peace.
I guarantee that this will get Congress’ attention. Americans love to write their representatives when they feel they’ve been slighted.