Nicholas Hussein Claus, abu Santa, is less than his jolly old self today, checking into an Icelandic clinic for what his publicist calls “dehydration and overwork.” However, well-placed sources tell Wiseline Institute NW that Claus is seeking treatment for clinical depression.
Angelina Claus — Santa’s wife of 370 years as well as CFO of Northex, the North Pole’s Oslo-based holding company — agreed to speak exclusively with Wiseline.
WINW: Thank you for speaking with us at this difficult time. Please tell our readers who ruined Christmas for everyone.
AC: Nick had been looking forward to his annual international mission, when he made the mistake of checking the Seattle Post-Intelligencer website for regional weather information. He then did what many P-I readers do: he started reading the comments that readers post in response to the news stories.
What he read appalled him, that’s putting it mildly.
I could hear him at the Mac in his study, clicking the mouse and muttering to himself. ‘Click – naughty. Click – naughty. Click – naughty.’ All night long.
WINW: But hasn’t Claus’s centuries of experience inured him to liars, cheaters, politicians and other disreputable types?
AC: For the most part Nick’s exposure to the goodness-challenged has been in the form of field action reports. Seeing it in their own words was overwhelming for him. The government haters, the racists, the sexists, the environmentalist-haters, the single-issue obsessives, the one-world conspiracy tin hatters, the concern trolls. The more he read, the more depressed he became.
I think the breaking point for him were all the anonymous paleoliths who delight in heaping abuse on whatever poor unfortunates happen to have been so unlucky as to be homeless, sick, or hit by a car.
The next morning he said he wasn’t going into the factory, and stayed home and watched the Game Show Network all day.
The following day he leased the reindeer to Lufthansa and sent the elves home with pay, telling them to spend some quality time with their families. I called our doctor.
On word of Claus’ medical status, Congress launched efforts today to save Christmas. The House Oversight of Holiday Observances Committee (HOHO Committee) met in emergency session, with members agreeing 7-6 to a proposal to include Northex in any auto industry assistance, since the North Pole produces Huffys, Big Wheels and Hot Wheels.
A complication is Republicans from southern states. Similar to their position regarding the auto industry, the bloc — led by Rep. Spencer Bachus of Alabama — is insisting that North Pole elves must agree to contract concessions to bring their pay in line with Chinese toy factory workers.
Wiseline Institute NW wishes everyone joyous holidays and a Happy New Year.