Barack Hussein Obama took the oath of office today to become the 44th President of the United States, making history by becoming the first Hawaiian to hold the office.
Obama’s words, “so help me god,” rang out in the crisp morning air, his hand on the same Bible used for the inauguration of Abraham Lincoln.
The controversial invocation delivered by controversial pastor Rick Warren, controversially invited by Obama to participate in the inauguration ceremony, turned out to be controversial — but for unexpected reasons.
Warren called upon god to give the new president the wisdom to lead the country in these difficult times.
He said America would maintain its greatness by continuing to embrace the values of god, country, and love for all it has adhered to through its history.
The pastor of the Saddleback Church then shocked the audience and dignitaries by demonstrating the value of love with his wife, Elizabeth. The couple made out — with tongue — until driven from the dais by boos and catcalls. “Jeez, why the uproar? Haven’t you people seen second base before?” Warren yelled to the crowd.
“It’s OK, we’re married,” Warren chided them. Aretha Franklin quickly stepped in and performed My Country Tis of Thee.
Then Obama was sworn in, with Chief Justice John Roberts administering the oath.
For his inaugural address the new president returned to his message of hope, starting with the economy. “I am full of hope today. Hope for the health of the commercial credit market. Hope that other countries will continue to patronize U.S. Treasury bond auctions, and view our bonds as safe investments,” said Obama.
On foreign policy and the environment: “I have hope that Israel won’t blow up the world before we can halt the rise in its greenhouse gases.”
On the concerns of average Americans: “I hope, along with you, my fellow Americans, that there are enough portable toilets provided for all of you here today.”
Obama also voiced his hopes for outgoing President George W. Bush. “I hope President Bush has not concealed a tunafish sandwich somewhere in the Oval Office,” said Obama.
“About President Bush, there can be no doubt that, of all the presidents, he was one of them.”
“I know you share these hopes with me, and I know that you join with me in asking not what your government can do for you, but what Harry Reid can do to break a filibuster,” Obama said, evoking President John F. Kennedy.
After concluding his speech, Obama turned and embraced new First Lady Michele Obama, and then Vice President Joe Biden and his wife Jill.
Then the new president shook hands with President Bush and Laura Bush.
But when Obama attempted to shake Dick Cheney’s hand, the ex-Vice President — wheelchair-bound after injuring his back while moving out of his official residence — pivoted and made a break for a nearby romanesque column. Flipping open a hidden panel, Cheney pushed a red button concealed there. A hidden door slid open momentarily, and Cheney and his white Persian cat rolled inside before anyone could think to hold it open.
Seconds later, the estimated 2 million in attendance saw an anti-gravity escape pod rising silently from a copse of trees. It assumed an eastward trajectory, and accelerated. Then it was gone.
U.S. Air Force F-22 fighters based in Europe tracked the pod, but the pilots lost it near a Cheney-shaped island in the Aegean Sea.
This afternoon, Fox News Channel representatives filed a Freedom of Information Act request on the Bible used in today’s ceremony. “Just to make sure,” explained Hannity & Hannity host Sean Hannity.