iNews Friday, 1/30/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator —

Headline: Bahamas senator accused in Travolta plot resigns
Translation: “Amateur,” sneers Blagojevich

Headline: US envoy to meet Palestinian head
Translation: Rest of body under yards of rubble, will miss meeting

Headline: Obama envoy meets Palestinian leaders in West Bank
Translation: “NOW you show up; everyone’s gone home”

Headline: Blagojevich asks to make argument at Senate trial
Translation: “This isn’t an argument, it’s just contradiction” “No it isn’t!” “Yes it is!”

Headline: Urine samples said to link Barry Bonds to steroids
Translation: True urine connoisseurs call it ‘ster-oir’

Headline: Fannie Mae Contractor Indicted For Logic Bomb
Translation: Wall Street becomes Gitmo of Banking – will house convicted mortgage Logic Bombers

Headline: Biden says stimulus bill to attract Republicans
Translation: Sen. Vitter wants stimulus bill to talk dirty to him first

Headline: Hundreds of thousands protest in France
Translation: French declare – Steve Martin as Inspector Clouseau “c’est la merde”

Headline: Mike Sweeney thrilled to join Mariners
Translation: Seattle will be a great place for him to recover from whatever undiagnosed season-ending injury he has

Headline: Candidate Linked to Obama Parody Song Leaves Race for GOP Chairman
Translation: As if by… Magic?

Headline: Republicans prepare to launch offensive against Democrats
Translation: Republicans… offensive… Ehhhh, I got nothin’

Headline: Alaskans brace for volcanic eruption
Translation: Gov. Palin treated for indigestion after judging chili cook-off

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