iNews Friday, 3/6/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator —

Translation (Photo Mode): Impossible Mission Forces’s Jim Phelps (L) called in to help revive GOP

Headline: Radio Legend Paul Harvey Dies
Translation: Last words – “I’m Paul Harvey, and that’s the end of the story”

Headline: Kirk owes taxes, too
Translation: “But we don’t use money in the 23rd century”

Headline: Arrest Warrant Issued in Chandra Levy Case
Translation: FOX News identifies suspect as “Ingmar Guandique (D-El Salvador)”

Headline: GOP Seeks Balance With Conservative Icon Limbaugh
Translation: Steele advertises on Craigslist for 5 ton weight to balance Limbaugh

Headline: Obama wants Congress to help him reduce spending
Translation: “Is this is some kind of trick?” asks Boehner

Headline: Barbara Bush recovering from heart surgery
Translation: Well she was Undead already, so this is working very well for her

Headline: Rove Warns of ‘Show Trial’
Translation: Larry Craig volunteers to direct Rove in “Best Political Whorehouse in Texas”

Headline: GM Auditors Wary About Future
Translation: Formula PV*(1+rt) won’t calculate past t=3

Headline: Spending Bill Stalls in Senate, 1 Vote Shy of Breaking Filibuster
Translation: Norm Coleman declares Mission Accomplished

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