iNews Friday, 3/20/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Seattle Post-Intelligencer to go Web only
Translation: Misanthropes celebrate – P-I’s online ‘Sound-Off’ forums will live on

Headline: Iowa Senator Says AIG Executives Should ‘Resign or Commit Suicide’
Translation: “Buy American” lobby outraged – AIG executives purchased seppuku blades from Japan

Headline: Actor Ron Silver Dead At 62
Translation: Will host ‘Extremely Hot-Talk’ radio show—in Hell

Headline: Guantanamo inmates no longer “enemy combatants”
Translation: Now termed “guests” – Pentagon predicts favorable scores on comment cards

Headline: Dem ‘Centrists’ Plot To Push Back On Obama Agenda
Translation: New ‘ConDems’ will be lubricated with insurance industry contributions
Translation (Turbo mode): ConDems are going to be ribbed for our amusement

Headline: AIG CEO asks employees to repay some bonus money
Translation: ConDems report AIG execs are big tippers

Headline: NKorea reportedly detains 2 US journalists
Translation: “You WILL interview me exclusively for Parade Magazine”

Headline: Presidential chat is late-night coup for Leno
Translation: Leno seizes power in late-night coup – Pledges to quickly turn over power to Conan O’Brien – Obama confined to far end of sofa

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