Saying environmental damage by the human race is too big to overcome, our alien overlords from Xerkon VI have made the decision to declare Earth a total loss, the Xerkonian Embassy In Orbit announced today.
A $100 trillion environmental bailout package that had been expected to be rolled out today has instead been canceled, along with the human “Earth Month” ecosystem cleanup and restoration events planned for April.
But the energy cloud-beings from Xerkon have vowed not to abandon humanity, said spokesbeing Zan-Tor, who said the funding will be redirected to lifeform relocation.
“I was a Science Corps Observer living among you for decades, posing as a clerk for the Washington Department of Licensing,” said Zan-Tor, who spoke to a press gaggle aboard the Xerkonian driveship Monsan-To.
“I saw generations of humanity up close, and know how caring, selfless, and nutritious humans can be toward energy cloud-beings,” he said, adding that he is sorry Earth must be abandoned.
“Greenhouse gas production continues to rise, at a rate that the depleted oceans and forests can no longer compensate for. Galactic Mutual will no longer write policies for Earth, therefore rendering our continued presence here unsustainable in terms of risk management, as well environmentally.”
However, Zan-Tor said human environmentalists should not give up hope. “Xerkon can’t afford to save Earth, but there is still time to save my world. Xerkon needs your help,” he said.
Zan-Tor went on to explain that the physical nature of energy cloud-beings has led to serious environmental problems on Xerkon VI.
“Imagine a race of intelligent energy clouds who can change shape, size and opacity, even split into multiple parts. Obviously, it would be impossible to tell one entity from another, much less assign costs for the use of resources.”
“Basically, my homeworld is one big commons, where no one stewards the planet,” said Zan-Tor.
“Our once mighty silicon forests have been melted for data disks, the Plains of Ror no longer yield harvests of large-thumbed smartmice, and the scenic mercury lakes have all been drained to make bubbly party drinks,” he said.
Zan-Tor went on to say that all he has seen indicates human eco-warriors will adapt well to conserve the biosphere of Xerkon VI. “Xerkon VI offers humans food pellets, air to breathe, and your pick of spacious barracks. All we ask is that you labor 20 of your hours per planetary rotation, breed regularly, and continue to produce reality TV programs.”
Zan-Tor called reports of slave workforces laboring in unsafe conditions nothing more than rumors started by disgruntled lifeforms. He said chains stopped being part of guest-worker uniforms over a century ago. “Why use chains when we have television?” he said.
“We have confidence in you and hope you will accept our offer. I mean, what are the odds humans will fail to save two planets. In a row.”