iNews Friday, 3/27/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: GOP predicts doomsday if Obama budget passed
Translation: GOP members add 666 earmarks – funds studies of locust plagues, toad-rain monitoring, support for four equestrian programs

Headline: NASA halts test of space station urine recycler
Translation: System damaged by Tang

Headline: Kroft to Obama – Are you punch-drunk?
Translation: Better to have a President who chuckles than having a President Chuckles

Headline: Sen. Gregg Criticizes ‘Banana Republic’ Budget Proposal
Translation: L.L. Bean just happens to be located next to New Hampshire

Headline: AIG ditches its tainted name
Translation: Paid marketing firm $200 million to come up with “AIU”

Headline: From jobless to topless – More women give strip clubs, adult films a try
Translation: “A 73-part series, starting tonight on the Factor”

Headline: Ex-madam confirms a link to A-Rod
Translation: “We were only experimenting with radium,” Yankee claims

Headline: Geithner seeks new powers over companies
Translation: Treasury issues RFQ seeking financial hypnotists

Headline: Florida finds strontium sulfide in Chinese drywall
Translation: Biased media ignore fact that no MSG was found

Headline: At 48, Valerie Bertinelli drops more than 40 pounds
Translation: Bertinelli value no longer pegged to the dollar

Headline: Obama Honeymoon is Over After Press Conference
Translation: Ed Henry locks himself in bathroom, sobbing on phone all night to Major Garrett

Headline: Nurse says octomom doesn’t care about kids
Translation: Babies covered with ink, suction cup marks

Headline: Jim Carrey, Sean Penn And Benicio Del Toro Cast As Three Stooges
Translation: Boehner, McConnell and Bachmann demand do-over audition

Headline: Israel disputes Gaza death rates
Translation: Israel uses 3/5 of a person standard

Headline: Microsoft Word Developer Blasts Into Space
Translation: Cosmonauts wonder what Simony has done with their old tools

Headline: States want to drug test Government Assistence recipients
Translation: Luckily, AIU stands for American International Urinalysis

You will also chuckle at:

Bachmann urges revolution – Has personally reached 25 RPM (video)

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