Continuing to assert his relevancy in national affairs, former Vice President Dick Cheney today called on President Obama to appoint him to head the government’s response to the swine flu pandemic.
As swine flu czar, Cheney will use the knowledge he gained in keeping America safe in seven of the eight years of the Bush administration.
“Let’s be frank here. The homeland is under threat,” warned Cheney.
“The swine flu threat is invisible, and fortunately I have lots of experience with invisible threats. Based on my experience, the only way to nip this swine flu threat in the bud is to round up as many pigs as possible and start interrogating them,” Cheney said.
Cheney went on to describe the threat as a ticking bomb-type scenario. “So we need to do whatever it takes to get information about where the pigs intend to launch their next flu attack.”
Cheney maintained that enhanced interrogation, also known as grilling, “is pretty well confirmed to get results from hogs. They always squeal.”
According to Cheney, legal opinions from Bush Justice Department officials authorizes the use of liquid in interrogation, a method known as marinating. Slamming them into walls, a procedure known as tenderizing, can also be used.
Then suspects are questioned while rotating over hot coals until their skin is crispy and golden.
Other enhanced interrogation methods include braising, deep frying, and being wrapped in ti leaves and buried in a mesquite-fired pit for about three hours.
Cheney also called on the National Archives to unclassify two secret documents that describe how CIA contractors prepare marinades and spice rubs.
In related news, conservative radio talker Rush Limbaugh paused between mouthfuls to celebrate a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announcement that swine flu is not transmitted by food. “Mmmphllf slurf grrrnd,” Limbaugh said.