Former Vice President Dick Cheney is resting comfortably in a Washington D.C. hospital this afternoon, hours after undergoing emergency treatment for being an asshole.
Cheney was delivering a televised rebuttal of President Obama’s speech on policy toward terror detainees at Guantanamo Bay, when onlookers noticed Cheney was experiencing swelling.
Sandra Betacam, a camera operator for C-SPAN, credited training in first aid for helping her recognize the early warning signs of an asshole attack.
“Cheney had just called for creation of an untruth commission, when his upper lip started curling, followed by hyperventilation and exhibiting ignorance of the Constitution,” said Betacam.
Betacam said that when she and others realized what was happening, they donned filter masks to avoid being overcome by gasses, then administered aid to Cheney. Betacam tightened Cheney’s necktie, while others tried to make sure he swallowed his own tongue.
Cheney was transported to Georgetown University Hospital, where medical staff immersed Cheney in a bath of Preparation H. After an hour he was shrunken enough to permit him to make a threatening phone call to Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT).
GU Hospital spokesman Bill Able said regular treatment can make assholes like Cheney bearable.
“It’s usually an incurable condition. But, Preparation H can control the condition to the extent that Cheney can probably live a normal life,” said Bill Able.
“But even then, I wouldn’t let him operate any heavy machinery, death squads or prison camps,” he said.