iNews Friday, 5/22/2009

This week the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator will alpha test an experimental new feature: pattern matching. Instead of a translation, a headline will be paired with ANOTHER headline, as identified by our proprietary punchline algorithms.

Headline: Scientists hail stunning fossil
Pattern Match: The star of NBC’s hottest new show is… Chevy Chase?

Headline: Crying Baby Interrupts Obama as He Speaks on Abortion at Notre Dame
Pattern Match: Michael Steele Offically Announces GOP Opposition to Obama – “The Honeymoon is Over”

Headline: Who will sign Michael Vick?
Pattern Match: AIG unveils candidates to revamp board

Headline: ‘Limbaugh Hasn’t Had a Natural Erection Since the Nixon Administration’
Pattern Match: Climate Change Poses Threat to Synchrony of Shrimp and Its Food

Headline: Rush Limbaugh Calls On Nancy Pelosi to Resign
Pattern Match: Green light for giant wind farm

Headline: Los Angeles vs. Seattle
Pattern Match: Share Your Terrible Trip to Work at My Commute Sucks

Headline: Viewers hand Idol crown to Kris Allen
Pattern Match: Will Norm Coleman Concede?

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