Supreme Court won’t review Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – “Works fine for us,” justices say

The U.S. Supreme Court dealt a setback today to a constitutional challenge to the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy banning gay people from openly serving in the U.S. military.

In upholding the decision of the U.S. Court of Appeals 1st Circuit, Associate Justice Antonin Scalia found precedent in the policies governing the high court itself. “The policy of ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ will not be reviewed because it works. This court is covered by such a policy, and it works fine for us,” wrote Scalia.

“The Supreme Court’s unit cohesion would suffer greatly if we were to introduce the factor of sexual preference. When we’re in the heat of judicial deliberations, the last thing I want to have to worry about is what another justice is doing under his robe,” Scalia stated.

“In fact, the reason we wear shapeless robes to begin with is to detract from the rampant sensuality that would otherwise distract this court from its constitutional duties,” he noted.

“It’s also the reason we don’t wear those irresistible, come-hither powdered wigs, like the British,” added Associate Justice Samuel Alito.

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas concurred with Scalia and Alito, writing: “I always shower at home because I don’t want other justices ogling me in the Supreme Court Shower.”

However, Thomas said “don’t ask, don’t tell” should only apply to male homosexuals serving on the Supreme Court.

“When I say homosexuals endanger unit cohesion in the shower, I don’t mean the ladies,” Thomas wrote.

Observing that retiring Justice David H. Souter is a confirmed bachelor who lives in a rustic cabin in New Hampshire, Thomas’ law clerk said Thomas hopes the Senate votes to confirm Souter’s replacement, Sonia Sotomayor, as soon as possible.

“Justice Thomas welcomes the prospect of observing much late-night jurisprudence between Judge Sotomayor and Justice Ginsburg,” the clerk said.

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