Opposition to bringing detainees to U.S. – Domestic terrorists against cheap imports

A leading interest group today announced its opposition to President Obama’s plan to bring suspected terrorists housed at Guantanamo Bay to the U.S. for trial.

The group, Theocracy Economics for America – Buy A Gun (T.E.A.-B.A.G.), said bringing detainees to U.S. soil threatens the livelihoods of domestic terrorists.

Riley C. O’Yote, spokesperson for T.E.A.-B.A.G. charged that the White House wants to import cheap, knock off terrorists purchased in the mideast for only $500 each.

“If imported terrorists are allowed to come in and take those jobs, homegrown terrorists might have to leave the non-conspiracy sector and resort to getting educations in dead-end fields like engineering, teaching and software development,” said O’Yote.

O’Yote said he can’t understand why the Obama Administration is bringing foreign insurgents to the U.S., when the focus of economic recovery should be on protecting existing jobs in careers such as militiamen, anti-choice snipers, Klan wannabes, and FOX News commentators.

“If American abortion doctors, women’s clinics, government facilities and infrastructure are going to be threatened, those threats should be issued by American terrorists, earning a living wage,” he said.

Some conservative economists agree with the T.E.A.-B.A.G. argument against imported terrorists. Wayne L. Saltpeter, who studies the ammunition futures market, says the homegrown terror sector needs protection. “This is the one growth industry we have, since the demise of the securitized mortgage bundle.”

“I think people forget that for every Planned Parenthood office, there’s a picket line struggling to meet basic expenses. Full-color posters of aborted fetuses aren’t cheap at Kinko’s,” Saltpeter added.

Saltpeter also touted the enormous economic ripple effect of terror, in sales of ammunition, freeze dried food, and teabags.

However, other conservative experts counter that it is difficult to design a pro-nutjob policy, because the value of the sector is hard to quantify.

“No one really know how much domestic whackos earn, as they don’t file tax returns with the IRS,” says Dr. Hilton Graybar, Endowed Fellow of Penal Studies at the Richard B. Cheney Institute for Penitentary Entrepreneurship.

“It’s probably more than $500, but how much more? Who can say,” Graybar said.

Graybar says the U.S. prison industry would benefit from the Obama policy, due to a high vacancy rate in private prisons. “There was a lot of overconstruction during 2001 through 2008, resulting in the current high vacancy rate,” he said, therefore imported detainees would be an immediate shot in the arm for the prison investment market.

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