iNews Friday, 6/19/2009

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From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Food taster tested Obamas’ Paris meal
Translation: All in a day’s work for the U.S. Secret Sauce Service

Headline: Television go blank? Maybe you weren’t ready for DTV switch
Translation: Blank screen debuts on NBC to huge ratings

Headline: Ahmadinejad’s victory greeted by Tehran protests
Translation: Satirists protest- Norm Coleman jokes only work if Ahmadinejad loses

Headline: Netanyahu Agrees to Palestinian State With Conditions
Translation: “I’m thinking of a number between 1 and infinity”

Headline: Koogle Kosher Search Engine To Rival Google
Translation: System goes down every Friday at sunset

Headline: Ensign Placed Son of Mistress On NRSC Payroll
Translation: “Thanks, but don’t expect me to call you ‘dad'”

Headline: Dungeons & Dragons maker sues 8 over handbooks
Translation: Calligraphed on non-standard parchment, nerds allege

Headline: Obama Swats Fly During Interview
Translation: “Obama is a frog” – Grabbed fly with his tongue, patriots claim (Read the blog!)

Headline: Ensign’s admission blurs conservative image
Translation: Now conservatives’ faces on TV have to be pixelated

Headline: AG Holder – 50 or more Gitmo trials possible
Translation: “I’m a Detainee, Get Me Out of Here!”

Headline: Kremlin Names Panel to Repair Russia’s Image
Translation: Say hello to “The Happiest Plutocracy on Earth”

Headline: PETA wishes Obama hadn’t swatted that fly
Translation: “If you kill the flies, who will eat the dog turds? See, life’s a circle-“

Headline: Kate Gosselin defends spanking her kids
Translation: “Eight kids! Eight! EIGHT! Twenty-four seven!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”

Headline: Senate OKs bill to keep detainee photos private
Translation: Carrie Prejean wants to know how she can get that deal

Headline: Daschle comes out publicly against public option
Translation: Public option would not provide free car with driver

Headline: Is the Fed wearing so many hats it can’t do its main job?
Translation: Fed phones up Condoleezza Rice to talk shoes.

Headline: Robert Pattinson struck by car, escapes injury
Translation: Taxi with Pattinson-shaped dent appears on Ebay

Headline: No Constitutional Right to DNA Evidence, Supreme Court Rules
Translation: Now we’ll never know whose pubic hair was on the Coke can

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