The public option was shot by the health insurance lobby today at the U.S. Capitol, in full view of shocked, shocked representatives and senators. Activity on the capitol campus was halted for hours, although no one noticed any difference.
The health reform proposal was rushed to the emergency room at the Executive Office Building, where it remains in critical condition.
Police arrested the health insurance lobby at the scene. “I’m just a corporate personhood activist trying to protect profits and the sanctity of corporate life,” he shouted as he was wrestled into a fundraiser for Rep. Mike Ross (D-Blue Cross).
A weapon believed used in the attack was recovered at the scene, said by police to be a $170 million double-barreled Influence Special.
Sen. Max Baucus (D-Schering-Plough) denounced the shooting as “abhorent,” but said he continues to support a pro-corporate life movement that seeks to achieve its goals peacefully. “Life begins at incorporation, everyone agrees on that,” Baucus said.
In other news, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell today announced his opposition to First Lady Michele Obama’s new shorter hairstyle. “This will put the government between Americans and their hair stylists,” warned McConnell.
“Only your hairdresser should know for sure,” McConnell added.