So All Airlines Will Suck Equally

Houston (f-A-ke. P.) –

Responding to the failure of recent merger negotiations between their two airlines, United and Continental have announced an agreement to share routes and combine some operations. Continental CEO, Larry Kellner, said of new partnership:

The next time we have to emerge from bankruptcy, we want to return as gritty and hard-nosed as United. Nobody squeezes that last scintilla of revenue from their passengers like our new partner, and with that in mind, we intend to adopt some of United’s more innovative operational procedures:

  • Checked baggage will be held by ramp personnel for 30 to 45 minutes to give passengers a chance to stretch their legs
  • 50% of automated check-in kiosks will be shut down to save electricity
  • For each 50 coach passengers that join our check-in lines, one reservations agent will be sent on break or told to go and handle first-class passengers
  • For the next three months, economy class passengers who use miles to upgrade to business class will be furnished with an economy-class meal
  • Starting in three months, economy class passengers who use miles to upgrade to business class will required to buy one of our nasty little snack boxes
  • Thereafter, economy class passengers who use miles to upgrade to business class will be subjected to public ridicule by flight attendants
  • Updated flight departure and arrival times will no longer be available through our web-site (just be at the airport when we tell you to be there)
  • Rather than making you pay a fee per checked bag, fares will be determined dynamically by weight, add your weight to the weight of your baggage and multiply by 4
  • Drinks will no longer be served on-board our aircraft. However, a ladle of water will be available for $5, cups will be extra

6 thoughts on “So All Airlines Will Suck Equally”

  1. And there’s even more good news. Those cramped seats, with the idiot in front of you reclining back into your lap: problem solved. By removing all seats, the airlines can cram twice as many passengers into each plane.

  2. Don’t forget their intention to fire 950 more pilots and still raise ticket prices. You want an extra pilot onboard, that’s gonna cost ya.

  3. >>Drinks will no longer be served on-board our aircraft. However, a ladle of water will be available for $5, cups will be extra
    <<

    And no, you will not be allowed to bring your own cup.

  4. Tom… Ironically, there was a proposal that I saw some years back (from Japan, I think) that discussed the possibility of flying short haul routes using aircraft configured with no seats. Give “standing room only” a whole new meaning.

    Frogette… Who needs pilots?

    Beauzeaux… Welcome to Ragebot. With the exception of those last two, every single thing on that list happens to United passengers flying to or from SFO.

  5. There is one solution: put paying passengers on the roof of each aircraft like they do on the trains in India. You could get hundreds up there.

    Each passenger could be allocated a hand grip with Business Class getting leather-lined ones. Oxygen masks could be an optional extra in Tourist Class as would defrosting upon arrival.

  6. Here is a true story:

    I was flying from Chicago to Los Angeles (on United) to connect to an international flight to Australia. The plane was packed – an oversold 747, packed to the gills. And the flight was delayed. And delayed, and delayed.

    Finally this twerp of a gate agent who looked a little like Napolean but not as elegant said “One of the ovens in our First Class section is broken, and we can’t depart until it is fixed. You wouldn’t want our first class passengers to go without a hot meal, would you?” He was dead serious.

    So I offered to purchase McDonald’s Happy Meals for everyone in first class, because I was quite certain that United didn’t want their first class passengers to miss their connections, would they? This was before 9/11, so there was a little more wiggle room, and I STILL nearly got bumped from the flight.

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